DH never apologises, its ALWAYS someone else's fault, now becoming unbearable but don't know how to move on.please help

[ilovelilos]

DH and I are in a terrible place. Been together 10 years, had a long period of secondary infertility in which he was extremely unsupportive, even though the problem was his, now we have moved on from that.
But now he is never able to see when he is at fault. And never apologises. It is always someone else's fault to the point of very cleverly imagining scenarios to twist it round so he is innocent.

I am by no means perfect but am definitely able to say sorry and move on.
He on the other hand calls me controlling if I ask for an apology, or says people are too sensitive if they have been upset by him. It's always me that need counselling, he says he is fine.

If it was the occasional episode I would ignore and move on without getting an apology, its just not worth the grief from him, but now its constant. I don't know how to carry on, every day brings new problems.

In front of our DD he has just told me to leave, get away from him, he doesn't want me around. That upsets me so much. I've told him in the past to stop talking like this in front of DD but his temper flares and you cant stop him.
Ive tried talking calmly and reasonably to him, suggesting marriage counselling but its always turned round to the fact that I need help, I've had a difficult childhood ( not true at all, we are a very close family). Its actually him with family issues.

Totally frustrated and unhappy, any ideas.

Thank you for reading x

:(
take him at his word.
Leave.
even if it's only the weekend, even if it's only to your mum's.

He does need to think about what he wants from you and from life - he can't keep blaming and dismissing.

and it sounds like he would benefit from counselling. but maybe on his own first.

Seriously OP what are you getting out of the relationship? He sounds awful and (with no experience) it sounds like emotional abuse to me.

I think your fourth paragraph is the real issue.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Leaving to go to family isn't an option unfortunately as we are overseas and our DD has school.
Haven't talked to any friends about how bad things are at home, Im ashamed, I guess.

I would love him to get counselling, he is carrying so much baggage from childhood and a very bad relationship with his brother. But he won't see it at all.

Was your DD born overseas? If not, then you do have the option to go home. You'll never get him to change because he doesn't think he needs to. You only get one life - is this how you want to spend the rest of it?

Yes to the emotional abuse, he is an expert at ignoring me, or making out he hasn't heard me.
but then it will be my fault for asking him a question as he walks in to a room to go somewhere else. I should have waited until he is staying put in a room to engage in a conversation with him.
Cant cope with it much more.

Cross posts Madlizzy,
No DD born here. I can't bear another day of this,
I really want us too work it through and be happy but I cant see that happening without help, which he adamantly refuses too.

He knows he is at fault. That is his problem. he knows all to well. He feels ashamed and guilty and upset.
Like you say, he has childhood issues and brother issues, and feels belittled. So hates hates saying sorry.
You need the book, Why men walk and women talk.

I think a solicitor would be more helpful in this situation, than a book.

You can't work things through with someone who is abusive. Not in counselling, because a good one wouldn't touch a couple where one is abusive and not by reasoning, because this feeds the need to abuse.

He sounds like my ex. never ever was anything his fault, other people were too sensitive. if i was quiet then he would be badgering me as to what my problem was until i was in a mood, then he would be the injured party. im now with a man who absolutely treats me with respect, love and consideration. i didnt know how bad my previous relationship was until i met my dp. (and read mumsnet and realised he was a controlling, emotionally abusive fuckwit who didnt deserve me). Good luck op, knowing how good life can be away from a man like that, even single, i would leave him.

You may feel trapped where you are, but you might not be as trapped as you think - I know less than nothing about the legalities of leaving with a child who was born overseas, but it might be worth posting on Legal. Or do you have earning capacity where you live, meaning that you and DD could leave and live independently? Start exploring possibilities as a precursor to making a plan - and start developing as thick a skin as you can to protect yourself from 'D'H's nastiness, not feed it, etc.. Good luck!

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
It would certainly be a relief to be away from him but I really do want it to work, particularly for DD.
But when I think about his behaviour I just don't know how its possible.

Just had a close family member who I am very fond of and spent a lot of time with in my childhood, come and stay with us.
DH told me he despised him being here and was rude to him on several occasions and very cold and frosty with him. When I spoke to him about how this is really upsetting me, well its all my fault for inviting him.
Then his family come and stay and I was told in no uncertain terms" don't ruin this for me and my family" really it was only the week after my family had gone.

How can such an intelligent middle aged person not see what he is saying.
I find it utterly frustarating.

It won't work because he's abusive.

Exposing your daughter to that isn't a good thing, it's a bad thing.

You're not doing her any favours by staying, so it's better to frame this as you're leaving for her sake as much as your own.

But isnt every relationship "abusive" in some way?
By both parties.

And saying dont go to counselling because someone is abusive. That really rules out everyone doesnt it.

No, not in my experience.

I don't think that most relationships feature a person being rude to houseguests, ignoring, stonewalling, gaslighting, belittling the fellow parent in front of children, refusing to say sorry for bad behaviour or projecting that the other person has issues because of her childhood.

It is a rule of couples counselling that they will not see couples together when abuse either physical or emotional, is suspected.

Fortunately not every relationship is abusive and not every person is abusive, so this very sensible rule does not preclude non-abusive people seeing a counsellor with their non-abusive partners.

I am talking about emotional abuse.
Is shouting counted as emotional abuse for example?

Where is this counselling rule?

Blimey, yellowballoons you must have had some really SHIT relationships if you think they all involve shouting and emotional abuse? :)

No. Not at all.
But how much shouting means emotional abuse?

Been happily married for 25 years.

Why the obsession with shouting?

The OP hasn't once used this term.

Maybe if you want to know how much shouting means emotional abuse, it ought to be asked on a thread of your own, as it doesn't seem to be the OP's issue.

Instead, she has chronicled a series of behaviour that is IMO much worse than 'shouting'. She also says herself she recognises it as abuse.

AFAIK it is in the BACP code of practice that couples counselling in abuse situations is a breach of their ethics. I also know Relate won't counsel in domestic violence cases.

Sorry, that smiley looks really PA, it was supposed to be a sad face.

Can you give me a link please. Had a brief google and nothing has come up about that BACP code of practice.

I just see it all the time on here about people canot have counselling in abuse situations.

So I wanted the evidence, and also what actually is considered abuse.

Otherwise, there have been thousands of MNetters who may have been misled on this important issue.

I don't have a link. Maybe PM someone who's a counsellor or E mail BACP?

Not really appropriate for this thread though is it?

I dont know who is a counsellor!
Will find out from BACP though if no one on MN can answer. [makes me wonder whether the advice is right tbh]. Or whether it is just heresay.
And yes it is very relevant if people on this thread are saying the op is in an abusive relationship, but they couldnt have counselling. Very relevant indeed.

But isnt every relationship "abusive" in some way?

No, absolutely not! Well, at least not in my experience. I haven't been in any abusive relationship. I would consider shouting could be abusive but dh and I don't shout at each other or at our children.

How can such an intelligent middle aged person not see what he is saying

The thing is OP, he can see it, he is choosing to behave like this. Probably because his self esteem is so low that he can't take any criticism at all.

However, he's perfectly happy to dish it out.

You can't fix this. He might be able to address his issues if he went to counselling but, as you say, he doesn't want to do that.

He is in denial. By staying with him and putting up with this you are helping him to continue living like this. Nothing will change unless he changes it. And he's not going to do that unless or until his life is uncomfortable enough for him.

The best shot at making this relationship work is for you to leave him, as he suggests. If he wants you back you can tell him not until he sorts himself out and proves by his actions that he has changed.

That would take at least two years, so you would be looking at a long term separation.

My guess is he would decide it's not worth the effort and look for another unsuspecting woman to attach himself to.