DH never apologises, its ALWAYS someone else's fault, now becoming unbearable but don't know how to move on.please help

[ilovelilos]

DH and I are in a terrible place. Been together 10 years, had a long period of secondary infertility in which he was extremely unsupportive, even though the problem was his, now we have moved on from that.
But now he is never able to see when he is at fault. And never apologises. It is always someone else's fault to the point of very cleverly imagining scenarios to twist it round so he is innocent.

I am by no means perfect but am definitely able to say sorry and move on.
He on the other hand calls me controlling if I ask for an apology, or says people are too sensitive if they have been upset by him. It's always me that need counselling, he says he is fine.

If it was the occasional episode I would ignore and move on without getting an apology, its just not worth the grief from him, but now its constant. I don't know how to carry on, every day brings new problems.

In front of our DD he has just told me to leave, get away from him, he doesn't want me around. That upsets me so much. I've told him in the past to stop talking like this in front of DD but his temper flares and you cant stop him.
Ive tried talking calmly and reasonably to him, suggesting marriage counselling but its always turned round to the fact that I need help, I've had a difficult childhood ( not true at all, we are a very close family). Its actually him with family issues.

Totally frustrated and unhappy, any ideas.

Thank you for reading x

[ilovelilos]

Thank you to everyone for your help, advice and support.
I will reread all the thread, some very useful info.
I will see what today brings, Im out at lunchtime but will repost later.
X

[StickyProblem]

We don't all know anything of the sort yellowballoons. If all anyone needed was a national regulated body, why would anyone post on a forum? People post here for advice from people who have been through what they are going through. From individuals, who generously share their personal stories to help others.

Best of luck OP.

[yellowballoons]

Glad the thread has been useful op.

A national regulated body should be a reliable source of information.

If people rely on one internet website, that someone has posted up, or one book, then that at best, is suspect.

[WhiteandGreen]

yellow you just seemed very hostile and angry about mumsnet - calling good advice a 'myth' and saying that thousands of people were being defrauded.

[yellowballoons]

When I questioned the advice, as surely people should from time to time, I was informed that it may have been from 1 book. And I wasnt being given more reliable links.

So wrong important advice may have been repeated over and over on MN. So it needed checking out.

Checking out sources in life is important.

[itsonlysubterfuge]

Maybe you could step-up a secret video camera and leave it recording, then when he starts acting unreasonable, you can show it back to him, maybe that will open up his eyes to his behavior? Maybe it will be enough to convince he needs to open up to someone and talk to them about his feelings.

[bunchoffives]

YB I think it is sensible to question accepted wisdom sometimes, but not perhaps on someone else's thread. As another poster said, it would have been more considerate to start a thread of your own and let the OP's thread be about what she wanted it to be about.

Some of us have been through couple counselling with an emotional abuser and know first-hand what a destructive and upsetting experience that can be. We don't need a 'regulated body' to tell us that's it's never a good idea although would have been useful at the time !

[OxfordBags]

YB, your posts are not contributing anything to supporting the OP. You are derailing things. If all anyone needed to help them in horrible situations was a national regulated body, then most online forums, most phone helplines, many charities, many self-help groups, etc., would be totally unnecessary. MN has helped many women leave horibbly abusive and dangerous relationships when the police and other bodies have failed to. Think about that.

[ilovelilos]

Been out most of the day, just returned.
Oh dear, a serious incident for me involving Dh putting DD at risk with a potentially very serious health issue, ( sorry it sounds a bit vague but I dont want to go in to details).
I was terriblly upset he had done this and obviously wanted to talk to him about it.
He said everything should be ok and I should realise that he wouldnt hurt DD deliberately. It has left me in a complete state of worry and upset which I told him. I said it would be helpful if he apologised to me for causing such worry. But no, no chance. He apparently doesnt need to apologise, And no remorse what so ever for me now feeling terrible.
What an awful trait it is not to be able to apologise, not at all attractive. And Im sure he is getting worse.
And this incident regarding my daughter feels like the worst of them all for me.
Where tomgo from here??

[PoppyField]

YB - I was one of the thousands of MNers given the advice of not getting joint counselling with an abusive partner. However, I still went ahead with Relate because I wanted to feel sure that I had tried everything to save my relationship - and because I felt that there must be something positive that could come out of it. So, like you, I often question commonly-held tropes or 'advice'. Like bunchoffives attests though, it was the most upsetting experience: destructive, vitriolic and vicious. The counsellor really should have stopped it in its tracks as my STBXH launched one vile diatribe after another. It was another form of EA. He was on a roll, week after week. It was not a safe place for me - which, surely, is the bare minimum that counselling should provide.

Please don't come on here and launch hand-grenades masquerading as innocent-sounding questions. I am sure all 'British Counsellors' would prefer not to exacerbate abuse meted out to vulnerable women. Just because advice is advocated by Mumsnetters, does not make it a myth. Makes it tried, tested and highly credible in my book.

[yellowballoons]

Do you think that he is becoming ill in some way, ilovelilos?

[ilovelilos]

Um, good question. i am totally amazed by his behaviour, in fact can't believe its not obvious to him also, its that bad.

But I can't leave without trying everything. But I don't know how. Never felt so frustrated in my life. A simple heartfelt apology could make everything easier. Why is that so hard for him.
Thank you all.

[Ieattoomuchcake]

Hi lilo just wanted to say I'm thinking if you. We've had a fairly rubbish day too.

From an outsider point of view I'm thinking the issue with your daughters health may be the straw that broke the camels back. But I am chickening out of thoughts of leaving my DH so I completely understand its not as easy as that

[yellowballoons]

You can go to a GP, with or without him, and discuss things about him. Though the GP wouldnt be able to discuss his confidential medical records.

[ilovelilos]

Thank you ieatcake.
For me it has definitely been the worst thing, the incident involving my daughter. I can't bear him next to me to be honest, how dear he not apologise for upsetting and worrying me so much.
And the minute my daughter does anything wrong, well he says she needs to apologise. I can't bear it.

Hope you are ok too ieat cake, its not easy is it.

[Ieattoomuchcake]

I am thinking of going for some individual counselling.

But anxious about telling DH about it, what he would think/say. What an idiot I can be!

Hand holding for you. Hope tomorrow is a better day

[ilovelilos]

Are you in a country where you fluently speak the language ieatcake?

[OxfordBags]

OP, how do you think that is going to affect your DD, being made to apologise for the slightest little thing, whilst her own father refuses to ever apologise, even for potentially risking her life?! You better start saving up for the lifestime of therapy she'll require for the mental health problems that scenario will give her.

Him not apologising over risking her health would be a deal breaker for me (actually, him risking it full stop would be my deal breaker). That he doesn't want toos disgusting enough, but that he doesn't think he needs to is sociopathic. And it's also very troubling because he knows that social convention expects someone to apologise (even if they don't mean it) in situations like that, and yet he still thinks that he shouldn't - he is superior to mere mortals who should apologise, and you and your daughter are so beneath him that you don't merit basic common decency.

Anyone who could be so blasé about his own child's health and safety, even life, is abnormal and in need of help. Not your help, professional help. He is not safe for your Dd to be around, it would seem.

He was clearly messed up by his own upbringing, don't let him make that a legacy for your own child.

[Ieattoomuchcake]

lilo I have a friend / acquaintance who has the most dysfunctional relationship with her child's father (they aren't together but he nips in and out etc). And I forever telling her to think about her daughter. About what she's showing her - how relationships should be, how a man is entitled to treat a woman.

It's very pot calling kettle though. I'm doing similar to my dd so I can hardly talk.

I know it's hard. But I am finding it useful to focus on that. Is this what I want to teach dd. and how would I feel if he grew up and had the same marriage / husband as I have.

I'd be gutted for her.

[Fairenuff]

ilovelilos be very careful.

He is escalating his behaviour.

He has put your child at risk.

He is pushing to see how much you will take.

You did speak to him about it but were very quickly 'put in your place'. By staying with this man you allowing him to treat you and your dd like this.

You are giving him the message that you accept this behaviour.

The more you accept, the further it will escalate.

I think you should start to make plans to leave. Get all your important documents together, passports, bank statements, etc. Pack an emergency bag for yourself and dd and ask a friend or relative to look after it for you.

Your dd is at risk if you stay with him.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

I'm not sure what else you can try, given that he refuses to simply apologise for anything and that is the very thing you want.

I think you should tell him that this event with your DD has been the final straw, not because it happened - everyone makes mistakes - but because he would not accept that anything he did was wrong. And you can't go on living with someone who thinks you are always wrong and he is always right.

Don't bother looking for counsellors to justify this decision (they might be worth seeing but not for that) - you don't need that. Your feeling that this is unbearable is valid in itself. Take Oxford's advice about and start to get your stuff together.

[ilovelilos]

DH just in from work, Im still very shaken by the health incident yesterday. I showed him an article about it to highlight my concerns. He's not said a word to me since, even when I made him his dinner.
Oh dear here we go again

[Fairenuff]

Of course it's here we go again lilos, and it always will be.

What do you not understand?

He will always be like this. Always.

What are you going to do, put up with it?

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

Things aren't going to change. Do you want to be 'wrong' for the rest of your life? He will happily enforce that if you continue to take it.

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

The thing with "not leaving till you've tried everything" is that you are accepting responsibility for fixing the problem in your marriage. This problem (and it is a big one) is not yours to fix.

It is not your responsibility to change his behaviour where his behaviour is unacceptable. And he will not thank you for trying.

Which leaves you with one option: waiting till he sees sense. :(

I've been through this, too - it's totally frustrating, isn't it?