DH never apologises, its ALWAYS someone else's fault, now becoming unbearable but don't know how to move on.please help

[ilovelilos]

DH and I are in a terrible place. Been together 10 years, had a long period of secondary infertility in which he was extremely unsupportive, even though the problem was his, now we have moved on from that.
But now he is never able to see when he is at fault. And never apologises. It is always someone else's fault to the point of very cleverly imagining scenarios to twist it round so he is innocent.

I am by no means perfect but am definitely able to say sorry and move on.
He on the other hand calls me controlling if I ask for an apology, or says people are too sensitive if they have been upset by him. It's always me that need counselling, he says he is fine.

If it was the occasional episode I would ignore and move on without getting an apology, its just not worth the grief from him, but now its constant. I don't know how to carry on, every day brings new problems.

In front of our DD he has just told me to leave, get away from him, he doesn't want me around. That upsets me so much. I've told him in the past to stop talking like this in front of DD but his temper flares and you cant stop him.
Ive tried talking calmly and reasonably to him, suggesting marriage counselling but its always turned round to the fact that I need help, I've had a difficult childhood ( not true at all, we are a very close family). Its actually him with family issues.

Totally frustrated and unhappy, any ideas.

Thank you for reading x

[AnyFucker]

No, I didn't. I paraphrased you. And I was correct in my interpretation of what you said.

[yellowballoons]

When paraphrasing, you can only put exact words into inverted commas. Else it is misquoting.

[yellowballoons]

You were not correct in your interpretation either.
Everyone can see what you wrote and how you wrote it.

[YoniTime]

Why are you comparing a grown man who has endangered his child's health to a little scared puppy?

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Yeah, AF, you should've said, "scared [...] puppy [...] cowering under the table"



:o

[yellowballoons]

emotionally, he is puppy size.
emotionally, he is about a 5 year old.

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Then emotionally he is not capable of being an adult life-partner.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

I don't see how a man who refuses to ever apologise and accept he is wrong or has made a mistake is remotely like a scared puppy. He sounds more like an arrogant twit to me.

[PoppyField]

I think yellowballoons is really yellowbuffoons. Is she for real?

'Course she ain't helpin' even with all that fantastic lil' puppy poopin' under that table an'all.

Instead this is turning into a version of The Waltons crossed with Southern Comfort. Yip de yip eye ay!

[scallopsrgreat]

Why are you so invested in minimising this man's behaviour yellowballoons?

ilovelilos I am another one who can't understand why you'd want a present off this man given what he has done. However, I do think your perspective is skewed. This isn't your fault. This is what happens in an abusive relationship.

What do you actually get out of this relationship? What messages is your DD getting? If your DD were putting up with this behaviour from her partner would you want that for her? I think you need to stand back from your relationship and look at this as if you were seeing it through our eyes.

Have you thought if writing a diary if every time he makes you or your DD feel like shit or does something unacceptable? I bet it is more often than you think. It might help the process of digesting what this man is doing to you.

How supportive is your family back home? If you rang them and told them what was going on would they be on the first plane out to take you home or would they be telling you to put up and shut up (or something in between)? Because if they would be supportive then you may want their help at some point.

Please just listen to the wise women on here who have been where you are and can see him for what he is.

[yellowballoons]

Charlotte, not as he is, no. Hence the training one way or another is the only option for the op to be able to have a chance of happiness with him if she wants it.

[AnyFucker]

"training" a grown man

not to be recommended

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Even training a puppy only to be undertaken by someone with a good deal of expertise and a relationship with the puppy based on trust and obedience.

And the parallels with the grown man are....?

:( yellow, I'm not sure where your ideas have come from, but I don't think they're at all realistic.

[yellowballoons]

Some of us marrieds and I presume those with partners, do it all the time!
Seriously!

[yellowballoons]

Reply to AF, but I think Charlotte too.

[scallopsrgreat]

This man doesn't want her to be happy yellowballoons. If he did he wouldn't treat her like shit. It really is that simple. As a result this is never going to be a happy relationship for ilovelilos.

And 'training' a grown up to be nice to you, one who is supposed to be your equal and also cherish you, is flogging a dead horse.

[Fairenuff]

I don't train my dh.

He was already fully housetrained when I met him. Otherwise I wouldn't have been interested in marrying an emotionally stunted man who was not able to function as an adult male.

OP when you started this thread it was about you.

Now it's not. It's about your dd.

How much did he spend on the gift? What price did you put on your dd's life?

And are you satisfied with that?

[scallopsrgreat]

I have never 'trained' my partner in anything least of all to be nice to me and treat me with respect. That I take as the very basic requirements of me being in a relationship with them.

[AnyFucker]

I guess I "trained" my DH to put the toilet seat back down

Not really on a par with "don't abuse me" and "don't endanger our daughter's life" is it, really ?

[OxfordBags]

I didn't train my DH. A grown adult of either sex does not need training. Any one that does, should not be in an adult relationship until they have had sufficient therapy to make them fit to be in one without fucking with the lives of his partner and children, if they go on to have them.

How can anyone respect an adult that needs training?! If someone needs training, then they should remove themselves from the relationship/family, until they have received the help required to make them at least an adequate member of that family.

Moreover, how can anyone respect themself for being with someone who needs training?! How can you like and respect yourself so little to settle for such a crap twat?! Or do women who go for these men just have some dysfunctional urge to control, save and change?

And most importantly, HOW and WHY would someone - you, yellowballoons - be so invested in trying to minimise and excuse the behaviour of someone whose very disordered and selfish personality has made him a crappy partner, at best, and has led to him actually endangering the life of his DD?! This is not the first thread I have seen you on, trying to derail it with minimising, excusing, trying to make women responsible for the behaviour of men who are a danger (even if 'only' emotionally) to them or their family, even when that behaviour is very shocking and extreme.

As a final comment, it will be very damaging for a girl to grow up seeing her mother treated this way, learning the message that men are never wrong, never apologise, don't care about feelings, that her very life can be endangered and nothing will be done about it, that women must be responsible for men and train them. Disgusting.

[foolonthehill]

you can train \ puppy...yep been there done that

you can teach a child....in progress

you can ask a grown man/woman to do what is right (or indeed what is wrong), it is then up to that person to decide for themselves what they do. Yes you can make safe spaces for feelings to be explored, yes you can have agreements about how to talk to one another....but therapy and relearning is for therapists and can only happen if the person WANTS to change.

Lilos...I think you are hiding from what is going on in your life because it is scary. A present does not mean sorry, a present does not mean i realise what I did...it's just a present...given at your request because...what?

[foolonthehill]

in my experience....this some dysfunctional urge to control, save and change? is often true.

Lilo's you please realise that you cannot change him, only he can choose to change and even then it is difficult and hard work and best done alone a safe distance away from those who can be hurt emotionally or physically.

[Jux]

Scared puppy my arse.

[yellowballoons]

Women are not responsible for men.

[AnyFucker]

can anybody be bovvered to address that last comment ?

I am currently transfixed by the drying of paint on my skirting board