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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH never apologises, its ALWAYS someone else's fault, now becoming unbearable but don't know how to move on.please help

172 replies

ilovelilos · 31/08/2013 12:46

DH and I are in a terrible place. Been together 10 years, had a long period of secondary infertility in which he was extremely unsupportive, even though the problem was his, now we have moved on from that.
But now he is never able to see when he is at fault. And never apologises. It is always someone else's fault to the point of very cleverly imagining scenarios to twist it round so he is innocent.

I am by no means perfect but am definitely able to say sorry and move on.
He on the other hand calls me controlling if I ask for an apology, or says people are too sensitive if they have been upset by him. It's always me that need counselling, he says he is fine.

If it was the occasional episode I would ignore and move on without getting an apology, its just not worth the grief from him, but now its constant. I don't know how to carry on, every day brings new problems.

In front of our DD he has just told me to leave, get away from him, he doesn't want me around. That upsets me so much. I've told him in the past to stop talking like this in front of DD but his temper flares and you cant stop him.
Ive tried talking calmly and reasonably to him, suggesting marriage counselling but its always turned round to the fact that I need help, I've had a difficult childhood ( not true at all, we are a very close family). Its actually him with family issues.

Totally frustrated and unhappy, any ideas.

Thank you for reading x

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 07/09/2013 12:02

I was just wondering lilos, if it had been you that caused the hurt to your dd, would he be showing more concern for her now?

It seems odd that he is not worried about her.

PoppyField · 07/09/2013 13:10

I'm wondering why you try to coax presents out of him? How does this make you feel better?

What does such a present, given under those circumstances mean? It obviously doesn't mean what an unsolicited present would mean - which is a show of spontaneous affection or a burst of 'ooh lilos would really love this, I must get it for her!'. You may wish that were true, and maybe you wish to have 'the goods' as a way of pretending to yourself that he got you something off his own bat. But in reality, he didn't get you a present. He got something else to go on about. He is obnoxious.

Yes he should have remorse, but he doesn't have any. Yes he should want to please you and maybe buy you a present, but he doesn't want to. He is definitely not feeling it. Please don't pretend to yourself that he is. He is abusive and controlling. It feels as if you are minimising this by thinking he will prove he loves you by buying you a present. Sorry to be so harsh, but you seem to be papering over the cracks.

LemonDrizzled · 07/09/2013 13:32

Hi Lilo I lived with a man like your DH for 24 years and eventually realised he was EA and would never change. He turned me into an angry resentful and deranged madwoman.

Over on the EA Support thread there are some lovely women who have been through what you are struggling with. Some are still in, some are out and some are planning to get away. You will find useful links and much handholding there.

I finally realised I would never get any acknowledgement my H was wrong because he needed to be perfect to keep up his very shaky self image. I had to take the blame so he didn't. My place was in the wrong.
I actually feel sorry for him now. I am happy without him and have recovered my calm sunny personality while he is still wracked with self doubt and looking for someone to blame for everything that goes wrong.

Oh and we went for separate and joint counselling and Relate nearly destroyed me! Don't do it!

Jux · 07/09/2013 13:34

So was he affected by anything the doctor said? Is he bothered that your dd now has to have a blood test?

Original poster

ilovelilos · 07/09/2013 13:40

He tells me he is very upset and frightened about the results. He doesnt show any emotion where as I got a bit hysterical I must say.
He tells me he is practical and just needs to get on with life in order to cope.

OP posts:

OxfordBags · 07/09/2013 16:31

You demean yourself by wanting a present for being upset, or in lieu of any sort of real apology or remorse. You teach him that he can get away with not feeling responsible for having done wrong. You are enabling that lack of remorse. The fact that he said he felt fined just further re-iterates that he doesn't understand that he should feel remorse, is resentful about being made to show it, and above all, DOES NOT FEEL REMORSE.

Also, why are you wanting a gift to compensate for your hurt feelings when he endangered the life of your child?!?!?!?! Forgive me, but your feelings are the most important thing here, the safety if your child is. You are just not focusing on the right priorities here! I know you are hurt and shocked for her, and love her, but his actions and lack of remorse (which means lack of empathy too) are the danger to her. He won't learn to not endanger her next time by getting you a trinket.

Of course, he won't learn to not endanger her again, full stop. If he was capable of learning or even wanted to learn, he would never have done wht he did to endanger her in the first place. His obvious MH issues mean that he will continue to endanger her, oerhaos in other ways, but there it is. The best indicator of future outcomes is oast behaviour: he has never felt or shown remorse, and he has no interest in her safety. Why are you outting her life at risk in the vain hope that he will miraculously change?!

And him not showing emotion and being practical are all parts of this sociopathic personality he is demonstrating - he doesn't feel normal emotions or care about stuff, but luckily for him, we live in a society were the milder aspects of sociopathy, like this, mirror some lesser but socially-normal characteristics ascribed to males.

OxfordBags · 07/09/2013 16:35

Feelings are not the most important, not are, sorry.

LittleMissMarker · 07/09/2013 17:18

OxfordBags? question about whether he has an interest in your DD?s safety is a critical one. And this isn?t about anything he says, it?s more important to look very hard at what he does. OK, he may be right about being a practical person. So does he show an interest in DD?s safety in practical ways, does he make a big effort to keep her safe whether anyone is watching him or not, does he try to protect her whether anyone is going to blame him or not? If so, then whatever his emotional limits may be he is at least not a physical danger to her. But if he does not take a practical interest in her safety, if he is careless or negligent unless someone catches him at it, then he is a real physical danger to her.

(And I am sorry even to ask you about it, these must be such hard things to think about someone you have committed yourself to and been with for so long.)

yellowballoons · 07/09/2013 17:53

ilovelilos. Your post on thurs at 20.49pm confuses me.

you say he has "never admitted any wrongs never mind apologies", yet in that same post you say
"He has admitted he did wrong gave me an unconvincing apology".

yellowballoons · 07/09/2013 17:54

OxfordBags, am I right in thinking you said somewhere on MN that you are a Christian?

yellowballoons · 07/09/2013 17:58

ilovelilos. He is sorry. He just cant say it. You need to teach him to say it, without getting any backlash from yourself. Any at all. Then he may feel safe to say it.
I hope you ordered or borrowed the book I recommended.

OxfordBags · 07/09/2013 18:33

yellowballoons, quite the opposite, I am a miltant Atheist. Do you ask for reasons relevant to helping the OP?

yellowballoons · 07/09/2013 18:44

I did yes. But questions I was going to ask are definitely not relevant now.

Fairenuff · 07/09/2013 19:15

You need to teach him to say it

How would you suggest she goes about that then yellow?

yellowballoons · 07/09/2013 19:18

As per my post of 17.58pm

Fairenuff · 07/09/2013 19:21

yellowballoons Sat 07-Sep-13 17:58:02

This post? Sorry, where does it say what to do?

yellowballoons · 07/09/2013 19:23

Think of him as a scared emotionally wounded puppy that you got from a rescue centre.

He is emotionally speaking, cowering under the table and doing a poop or two.

He wants to come out and wag his tale and join in, but he is much too scared.

He has to be coaxed, encouraged and taught that all is safe for him to say things and apologise without repercussions.

This all assumes that you have the patience and will to do it.

It is worth a try in my opinion.

And I came back onto the thread because you do seem like you are not going to leave him anytime soon.

Fairenuff · 07/09/2013 19:25

Or, if the puppy puts your dd's life in danger, have it put to sleep.

OxfordBags · 07/09/2013 19:40

Yellow, he's had over a decade f the OP bending over backwards to understand and tolerate this shit, never mind try to encourage himand make him feel emotionally safe to start to show remorse, etc., and it's not happened now. Even when he has almost accidentally killed their child, he is not showing remorse, and, moreover, he is resentful at even being expected to do so. This is not a naughty puppy, this is a grown man incapable of caring about anyone else.

The focus should not be on helping him. The OP is not responsible for his feelings, actions and reactions. This man could've let his daughter DIE and still doesn't appear to inderstand why he might need to apologise. The emphasis here needs to be on protecting a small child from a man incapable of not only behaving normslly, but incapable of wanting to behave normally.

Too much 'poor misunderstood ickle menz, so useless like puppies and babies' and not enough expecting grown adults to have some level of normal human decency and emotion.

I'd still like to know what your questions were, Btw.

yellowballoons · 07/09/2013 19:41

The op has to work out what she thinks about him and her dds health issue.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2013 19:50

YB your recent responses on this thread are some of the most unhelpful (and potentially dangerous) ones I have ever seen on MN.

This abusive man is a "scared puppy cowering under the table" and Op has it within her power to coax him out ?

What absolute shite.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2013 19:52

OP I am utterly shocked that you would angle for presents from a man like this. Please wake up. How did you think him buying you some trinket would make up for endangering your daughter ?

OxfordBags · 07/09/2013 19:56

And whilst she takes her sweet time, he accidentally kills her Dd next time... ?

AnyFucker · 07/09/2013 20:01

I haven't scrolled to see how old your dd is, but having blood tests is a traumatic procedure for a small child. Perhaps she has them regularly as part of her condition, I don't know you haven't said

But if I was the direct cause of it, or stood by while my partner was, I would be having a very strong word with myself.

yellowballoons · 07/09/2013 20:05

"scared emotionally wounded puppy" was what I wrote.
and "emotionally speaking, cowering under the table.

You misquoted me.

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