Thanks to MN, intimate advice requested re gentleman's "thing"

[ShyerHasBoyfriend]

Thanks to the massive courage MNetters on here gave me I have a lovely boyfriend.

Despite all appearances to the contrary, my slip of a paramour has the biggest thing I have ever seen. Like a 500ml bottle of coke (well, not exactly bottle-shaped but you get the idea.) Has anyone got any tips on how to a) play with it b) take it for hours?

I can't get my hand around it at all, and get lockjaw in seconds, so at the moment I am left patting it hopefully.

Not the height of erotica. I am out of practice with sex, let alone dealing with a beast like that, and hoping MNetters can sort me out again.

You must come immediately

though for me to offer any of my mumsnet wisdom on this matter.

I am not a troll. Honest. I don't know how to prove it. It's cringeing enough posting in the first place.

aww I'm all [sadface] now that no one else can help you with this.

Pmsl at "patting it hopefully", i'm envisioning the ol' Ketchup pat here... Ouchz :o

Not sure what to make of this thread, but love the image of "patting it hopefully"

Hang on, I am going to ask my BF, a stalwart MNetter, to post on here.

Well if Samantha from SATC couldn't cope maybe you'd be better off with a cat?

Well if you are for real then for what it is worth here is my advice- Loads of lube, loads of time and a few Hail Mary's.

Patting it hopefully

Is your boyfriend from Hull?

Is your BF the owner of this behemoth of an appendage OP?

Pleeeeeease bring him here, speshully as he's a stalwart and all.

Oh yes that's it Katy.

It must be Yoni-mans new partner

OP - have you tried tantric??

No BF is best friend. She is longtime MNetter. So am I, but I namechanged. It is cringeing asking for advice when you are in your 40s.

I can't get my hand around it at all.

Forgive me for asking, but how do you manage to pick up a 500ml bottle of coke then? Do you have to leave it on the table and ask the waiter for a straw?

I will never see the 'share a coke with....' bottles in the same way again.

Arf arf balloon.

I like how you have got straight to the crux of the problem on this thread

Well, you don't have to do the same things to a coke bottle. And you can pick it up at the top.

Whatever you do, don't shake it. It'll go EVERYWHERE.

Take it for hours [hmmm]

:o Mignonette

Sorry in all seriousness:

A) How to play with it... Well it sounds very similar to an old stylee Sega Joystick so I'd go with jiggling it about, randomly bashing it a bit and of course dropping it at the crucial moment.

B)Take it for hours... cut a strategic hole in your mattress and stuff with mince, apparently this is most convenient for the army lads :o