Thanks to MN, intimate advice requested re gentleman's "thing"

[ShyerHasBoyfriend]

Thanks to the massive courage MNetters on here gave me I have a lovely boyfriend.

Despite all appearances to the contrary, my slip of a paramour has the biggest thing I have ever seen. Like a 500ml bottle of coke (well, not exactly bottle-shaped but you get the idea.) Has anyone got any tips on how to a) play with it b) take it for hours?

I can't get my hand around it at all, and get lockjaw in seconds, so at the moment I am left patting it hopefully.

Not the height of erotica. I am out of practice with sex, let alone dealing with a beast like that, and hoping MNetters can sort me out again.

[Afrodizzywonders]

Yes, do what peanut says with the mince!

[missbopeep]

Does it like being patted?

What are you hoping for as you pat?
It won't make it shrink you know- well, not unless you pat if for a long time.

[thornrose]

"My slip of a paramour" made me guffaw and the "it'll go everywhere" comment has finished me off (so to speak)

[BalloonSlayer]

You need to steady the base and use a circular movement on the redder part at the top.

You could try moving your hand up and down rapidly but this might cause quite a bit of frothing, and you could end up with hiccups.

I have been drinking coke for years so I have quite a lot of experience to impart. HTH.

[ShyerHasBoyfriend]

I am off. I was hoping for a bit of advice as I am inexperienced and nervous. You prefer to jeer. It's not helping.

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

LOLZ.

Am ashamed of myself for not realising he is called PAT.

I assumed incorrectly it was Trevor posting this

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

Aww OP don't be a spoilsport We are desperately trying to help you here.

I'll be serious now if you like.

Jeering will most certainly help. It will become smaller and much more manageable vair quickly if we all jeer together, I'm sure of that.

[KatyDidItAgain]

If there is any spillage you could always just lick it off the top, I'm sure you'd both enjoy that.

[mignonette]

Just tell it that it's not as big as your last BF's, watch it shrink a little then quickly slip it in.

Troll or not t'is a bit of fun.

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

OP, are we helping you yet????

[KatyDidItAgain]

Maybe hydraulics questions would be useful, no?

[lalalonglegs]

Hi - I'm Shyer's friend and a long time MNer (although I tend to stick to Property board). She is a genuine poster and would like advice - if you dont feel you can help, fair enough but this thread isn't some sort of wind-up - at least not on her part.

Thanks

llll x

[peanutMD]

Am I the only one who wants the OP to go back to their original name and for it to be someone well known :o

[HotDogWater]

Tell him his cock is too big, he will have to exchange it for a new one.

[KatyDidItAgain]

Maths.

If a man's 'thing' is the size of a coke bottle, how big will the cave have to be to be to keep it in? Show working out, with illustrations if it helps.

lalalonglegs maybe you would be better suited to Shyer's boyfriend as he seems to be familiar with long things.

[ShyerHasBoyfriend]

Thanks a million Lala. I might try fig compote on it, hehheheh.

[KatyDidItAgain]

Hmm, which side are you batting for then Shyer?

[lilithtime]

Ah come on folks, this seems like a genuine issue to me, if you have a problem with it, report, stop trollhunting!

OP, you need lots of lube, foreplay and patience. Take it very slow and use shallower positions (no doggy!) and have fun!

[missbopeep]

'Take it' where for hours?
I have visions of you pulling it along on a lead.

I'm wondering if it's as long as a coke bottle or 'only' as wide.
You see length really doesn't matter. What fits you nicely will do the job ( for each of you) and any excess won't matter.

If it's girth that's the issue well......

If the man who is the owner of this 'thing' has had other ladies apart from you, he must have some ideas as you can't my dear be the only one to be so surprised by the beast.

[Chibbs]

teehee!