Thanks to MN, intimate advice requested re gentleman's "thing"

[ShyerHasBoyfriend]

Thanks to the massive courage MNetters on here gave me I have a lovely boyfriend.

Despite all appearances to the contrary, my slip of a paramour has the biggest thing I have ever seen. Like a 500ml bottle of coke (well, not exactly bottle-shaped but you get the idea.) Has anyone got any tips on how to a) play with it b) take it for hours?

I can't get my hand around it at all, and get lockjaw in seconds, so at the moment I am left patting it hopefully.

Not the height of erotica. I am out of practice with sex, let alone dealing with a beast like that, and hoping MNetters can sort me out again.

As for playing, I've heard catnip can be good...

There's only one thing you can do and that is let him fuck your armpit.

Arf! Bona. You's diirrrty!

When OP mentions hours, one can only assume she means the total amount of time for the whole month.

I'm filth Frank :o

Oooo, does it have your name on it?

Why on earth would you want to take a large penis for hours? Have you not heard of cystitis?

Could you use both hands in a kind of clay-potting motion, with a small footpump for running water?

My partner is a bit on the large side. And he too liked to keep things going for a couple of hours.

I soon knocked that on the head. So to speak.

On the off chance that this is real you do need to be careful of cystitis.
I have had 2 relationships where they were very large and lube is your friend as is taking it easy (so to speak) Cystitis is no joke.
And forget the 'taking it for hours' this isn't a porn film ffs. You will get sore (and bored).

My hands are very small too, which doesn't help matters. Although he quite enjoys the visual, my tiny hands make him look even bigger.

Agree about the cystitis, and make sure you keep applying the lube. I am menopausal which doesn't help, but once we forgot to reapply and the resulting chafing was awful.

OP, you could get this for your boyfriend - thanks to another MN'er for the link.

I was thinking about this on the way home (because that's the sort of exciting life I lead) and I reckon you need some WD 40. That's proper industrial lube and you will be able to take it all weekend on that. While you watch a box set on telly over his shoulder.

I have come to apologise to Shyer and offer as a peace offering.

Shyer, I clearly got it wrong and I understand the reasoning behind not allowing troll huntery type posts to stand.

I hope you've managed to glean some helpful tips from posters who were not as twattish as I.

I started a random thread in chat about willies, and that my dh had a biggun, but I'm a bit goggle eyed at coke bottle width - dh's is more like a truncheon.

For oral I find it helpful to concentrate on the glans and wrap my hands on the shaft, one on top of the other.

For dtd lube is your friend. It can help to have an orgasm before penetration, experiment with different positions.

And be grateful he's not like the badly endowed bloke I shagged for a bit in my youth who had to shout 'supercock!' to come. shudder if your new man is thoughtful and considerate, you should be fine.

'Wrap my hands around the shaft, one on top of the other'

that sounds like your trying to climb up a flag pole.

Maybe OP should just hoist a Union Jack up it & sing God Save the Queen?

Roller [cough] [splutter] Anybody care to recommend a good screen cleaner?

I suppose it would make a change from 'lie back and think of England'

Liam Neeson apparently has one like a Evian bottle.

So has David Bowie. And Willem Dafoe.

linerunner -hahaha.

op.

expereinced this once in my life.

it was a shock, it was uncomfortable and i had no idea they made them like that.