Thanks to MN, intimate advice requested re gentleman's "thing"

[ShyerHasBoyfriend]

Thanks to the massive courage MNetters on here gave me I have a lovely boyfriend.

Despite all appearances to the contrary, my slip of a paramour has the biggest thing I have ever seen. Like a 500ml bottle of coke (well, not exactly bottle-shaped but you get the idea.) Has anyone got any tips on how to a) play with it b) take it for hours?

I can't get my hand around it at all, and get lockjaw in seconds, so at the moment I am left patting it hopefully.

Not the height of erotica. I am out of practice with sex, let alone dealing with a beast like that, and hoping MNetters can sort me out again.

[BalloonSlayer]

'Take it' where for hours?
I have visions of you pulling it along on a lead.



She could take it to the pub but leave it outside with a glass of lemonade and a packet of crisps.

[NutritiousAndDelicious]

Shyer, just use both hands?

[Onesleeptillwembley]

I don't know many well, any, actually, women in real life that would want to go on for 'hours'.

[SirRaymondClench]

My advice is simple:
hit it in between two bricks. It will squash it down a bit. Honest.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

Lalalonglegs has been here since 2007 so probably not a sock puppet.

[Gingerstrumpet]

I had a friend with this problem.

She found a good book worked wonders.

Either to read at bedtime or to whack it with.

HTH

[meditrina]

If you're planning on going n for hours, it does all sound a bit tantric.

And you might like to read Fanny Hill - especially the bit where she gets to grips with the well-endowed manservant.

[Gingerstrumpet]

Good x-post, meditrina.

Two birds, one stone. Tidy.

[LittleMissGerardButlerfan]

You could always practice with a bottle of coke?

Have you had kids? Cos I know mine is more like a wizards sleeve now anyway

[ScrambledSmegs]

Take it for hours?

Hope that's a typo. Otherwise you're going to get friction burns where you really don't want to.

[KatyDidItAgain]

Maybe that is the problem but the OP is too embarrassed to admit it; she is also like a wizard's sleeve and it keeps falling out?

[ArtisanLentilWeaver]

I would ignore Cokecock and find out what he could do for you instead.

[GobblersKnob]

Aw, I don't think this is a wind up folks, lala has been around for eons and I'm sure I have seen Shyer on the relationships board recently.

[mignonette]

Durex play gel.

Found it in my sons bedroom sitting by his bed nearly all gone too. (He is 19.) I might ask to borrow it - evil

You can apparently buy menthol versions. If you are into smelling like a Polo mint factory. Apparently if you rinse your mouth w/ toothpaste before a BJ that can be quite thrilling too.

[mignonette]

In all seriousness, get on top. Then you can control the depth and rate of descent so to speak. And don't let him grab you by the waist because he might enthusiastically get it up there a bit faster than you'd like. And you don't want the neighbours reporting a woman sounding like she's being reamed out w/ a hoe handle do you

[FrankSpenser]

I have visions of you pulling it along on a lead.



But.. It'll stretch it further to gigantic proportions!

[FrankSpenser]

An in seriousness - Spooning would be better, non?

I'm actually a tad I can still remember one particular past fling many years ago, over everyone else. Why? Because of his err, girth dare I say. Not had one like that since, that's for sure.

[KatyDidItAgain]

Either way, the OP has gone all quiet, maybe she is doing a spot of lady gardening.

[IslaValargeone]

Can they really be that big?
I really haven't lived.
I wish I could help, but I've been woefully shortchanged.
I did laugh at patting it hopefully.

[Justshabbynochic]

LTB.

[KatyDidItAgain]

Maybe the OP has one of those leads that extends when you pull on it.

[pushmepullyou]

He's not from Sheffield is he OP? I had a brief fling with a wee slip of a climber in my uni days and he had a coke bottle cock . I was never quite sure what to do with it either!