Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would he really be that stupid?

102 replies

WheelWatcher · 27/08/2013 21:32

I think I might be sick. I have worried about a colleague of DH who works in another country and I thought he was talking about her a lot. I told in I felt insecure because she is very successful and younger than me and really attractive but he said I was inventing things and she is married with two small children.
We are on put way home after leave in the UK and he's just told me that our eldest DD is going to au pair for her at half term.
I just feel really weird about this. My DD and I just argue a lot and she and DH have for t the journey getting excited about the trip and Sauk v how great and cool this woman is, how cute the kids are, what fun she will have. He didn't really discuss it with me but he says she's going yo ring me to talk about it this week.
I don't want her to go but I don't think they'll listen because I'm just bring jealous.
I hate this feeling. I think he really likes her.

OP posts:
Original poster
WheelWatcher · 27/08/2013 21:33

And saying how.

Sorry typing and shaking Sad

OP posts:
melanie58 · 27/08/2013 21:56

Surely he wouldn't want your DD to be working for her if there was anything going on? But he should definitely have discussed it with you and not presented it as already arranged so you don't have a say in it.

Original poster
WheelWatcher · 27/08/2013 22:04

I don't know what to think. He keeps talkiing about her and he's got that stupid excited look I've seen before. He's saying that he will have to drive DD over himself and maybe stay the night.

It sounds like they've discussed this a lot but he dropped it on me in front of the DC and now he's saying I'm unreasonable wanting to think about it.

He would by put his phone down all holiday. Even the PILs commented.

Please don't let this be another bloody thing o have to sit out.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 27/08/2013 22:19

All I can advise is to listen to your gut instinct.

Walkacrossthesand · 27/08/2013 22:22

Oh dear - sounds like this is a road you've travelled before? How did it pan out previously?

Viking1 · 27/08/2013 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WheelWatcher · 27/08/2013 22:30

Thanks for listening. My gut instinct says he fancies her (god he is nearly 50..) and I am do scared that she likes him too. He is often secretive (job related) but he was texting all the time we were at my ILs (5 days) and his mum asked was everything ok.

This whole au pairing thing is the only time he's really spoken to me and he's flattering me and trying to get me to say yes to DD going in October. Her report was crap and we decided she needed to knuckle down next term so what is going on.

I asked him but he's just being silly and looking at maps with DD. I haven't had z chance to discuss it and I feel railroaded.

Yes it's happened before but I can never ever prove anything and now I don't know if I'm mad and paranoid or if he really does just have an eye for other women.

OP posts:
Original poster
WheelWatcher · 27/08/2013 22:34

Viking, I suggested that I drive her but we have DCs at boarding school and they will be returning that week. He also says he has a business meeting in a nearby city to where she lives so it makes sense to take her himself.

I just suggested a hotel and he says he's been invited to stay so it would be rude.

He's making me feel unreasonable but I just don't want him to go. Or DD.

OP posts:
melanie58 · 27/08/2013 22:35

Given the excited look, the texting and furtiveness and the need for him to go over and stay the night I don't think you are being paranoid at all, unfortunately, and you are being railroaded. I don't know what to suggest you do, but your reaction is absolutely rational taking all those things into account.

littlebunnyfriend · 27/08/2013 22:38

It sounds like he fancies her.

Just remember that the chances of her fancying him back are very, very low. He's just a pathetic puppy with his tongue hanging out. She is happily married with children and successful - what would she want with him?!

Viking1 · 27/08/2013 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WheelWatcher · 27/08/2013 22:42

Melanie, thank you. I know it all too well but I never can prove it and sometimes I think it's all on his side and the women he gets these things for just think he's a bit over friendly or sleazy. I feel worried that its the only reason it never goes further, and that if he finds a woman that likes him back he might leave me.

He can be very charming.

My instinct is that she might like him back.

But DD?? He wouldn't use her would he?

I'm sorry I made lots of errors on my journey, hard to type in my phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
WheelWatcher · 27/08/2013 22:44

Little bunny, thank you. Why would she indeed? He just has I don't know a sort of shiny happy look when he is talking about her. A puppy indeed. That has something nice to think about.

OP posts:
melanie58 · 27/08/2013 23:07

She can't be finding him too sleazy if she's invited him to stay. But if he really is using DD to engineer an assignation that is unforgivable. What should she be doing instead of au pairing? How long is she supposed to go for? I think you may just have to put your foot down, though it will cause ructions with DD as well as DH by the sound of it. It really does sound dodgy though, and not properly thought through. And isn't the business meeting nearby too much of a coincidence? Poor you, this is horrible for you. Can you enlist parental support?

ageofgrandillusion · 27/08/2013 23:14

If it's happened before, it will in all likelyhood happen again. This all sounds very suspicious, he sounds like a dirty old randy dog. Maybe you're just going to have to put up or shut up as it doesnt sound like he is in any rush to change.

Original poster
WheelWatcher · 27/08/2013 23:16

She should be doing school work I guess. He's excited for her because he thinks this will be a great opportunity to spend time with a 'really clever successful woman.' That was like a knife in my side. I know he doesn't think homemaker is a good thing to do but it's all I have talent for.

It is for a week or so.

My parents aren't alive and his worship him. That's why I was surprised they noticed he was texting. He told then there was a work emergency but he was chatty and laughing and didn't seem worried at all.

I have told him we need to discuss it and he said wait until this woman, Y, calls me and I can address my concerns to her because domestic stuff is my dept.

I said in that case it's my decision and he was angry saying he was trying to help and I should be grateful he was interested.

She went to a top university and he keeps referring to it.

I just feel like a sad fat old failure.

OP posts:
Viking1 · 27/08/2013 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EBearhug · 27/08/2013 23:46

If it were me, the thing I'd be most concerned about is that Y, DH and DD seem to have all decided this without mentioning it to you at all until it's sorted. I would expect at least, "Hey, we were chatting, and we've had this great idea, what do you think?" and no final agreement until you'd also had the chance to discuss it and ask questions.

And because it hasn't happened that way, I'd find it difficult to trust the rest of it. But it sounds like you are going to have the opportunity to talk to Y, so I think I would try and think about it rationally, and consider practical questions, firstly around DD - what will she be expected to do, what hours, is there anything she might need to bring other than clothes and toiletries? And once you've got most of that out of the way, you can maybe mention that is it just DH who has been invited to stay, or can you both bring DD? If you're really unhappy, then you will have to say no.

Boomba · 27/08/2013 23:52

Gawd, when this woman phones just tell her that your dd cant do it. How old is your dd? Shouldn't she be at school in October?

it sounds like a stupid fucking arrangement anyhow. Au Pair for 1 week??? How old are this woman's kids? Has your dd stayed away before? Has she child care experience?

she shouldn't get to spend time with the amazing woman, as she will be working? And your dd will be minding her kids....

Boomba · 27/08/2013 23:54

Get the woman's number and phone her and tell her she needs to make other arrangements. Then go and do something fun with dd. And tell dh to fuck off and grow up

Quiltcover · 28/08/2013 05:50

Who normally l

Quiltcover · 28/08/2013 05:52

Who normally looks after the women's children? Very weird. He has definitely orchestrated this and she has too. They must have been talking about family stuff etc for this idea to pop up.
Trust your instincts. If he goes with your dd, you will be worrying about it. He is using your dd to justify a visit and stay. How old us your dd and this woman?

Original poster
WheelWatcher · 28/08/2013 08:37

Thanks for your kind replies.

My DD is 16, she has a weeks half term and DH says this will count towards her D of E as community experience. Her DC are about 3 and 4 I think so she would be taking them to school/ nursery and making them tea. I think Y's nanny is on holiday that week.

I picked up his phone this morning and asked for his passcode so I could get the number for Y. He was angry. I asked if he had something to hide and he said I was being stupid and I have an over active imagination. He said she will ring me tonight when he is there.

I reminded him that he said it was my department so he's going to come home at lunchtime so we can both speak to her.

I have that horrible heavy sick feeling. I can't let him do this to me I feel like a fool. I have to confront him don't I?

OP posts:
justgivemeareason · 28/08/2013 08:42

This all sounds so ridiculous. I would tell them all you think your dd is too young for all this responsibility and she will not be doing it. I would think that even if your dh and this woman didn't have an affair brewing. What a way to treat you!

Coconutty · 28/08/2013 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.