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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would he really be that stupid?

102 replies

WheelWatcher · 27/08/2013 21:32

I think I might be sick. I have worried about a colleague of DH who works in another country and I thought he was talking about her a lot. I told in I felt insecure because she is very successful and younger than me and really attractive but he said I was inventing things and she is married with two small children.
We are on put way home after leave in the UK and he's just told me that our eldest DD is going to au pair for her at half term.
I just feel really weird about this. My DD and I just argue a lot and she and DH have for t the journey getting excited about the trip and Sauk v how great and cool this woman is, how cute the kids are, what fun she will have. He didn't really discuss it with me but he says she's going yo ring me to talk about it this week.
I don't want her to go but I don't think they'll listen because I'm just bring jealous.
I hate this feeling. I think he really likes her.

OP posts:
Boomba · 28/08/2013 08:45

DoE community experience????? Au Pair for rich successful business woman???! Would she be paid?

How far away does she live?

No way no how would i let her care for a 3 and 4 year old...what if something goes wrong? I also think Y is mad to think this is a good idea. The kids haven't even met your dd?

overmydeadbody · 28/08/2013 08:49

This sounds awful.

At the very least you should insist on driving DD there while your DP stays at home with the other DCs.

It does sound like your DP has a silly crush on this woman.

overmydeadbody · 28/08/2013 08:50

I agree, a 16 year old will struggle to look after two children that young for a whole week. Is she going to be paid?

Vivacia · 28/08/2013 08:50

I'm with Justgivemeareason. This is a ridiculous situation. I would be saying, "No, this isn't happening" and repeat it.

Can you plan some alternative activities for your daughter and you to share/enjoy/benefit from?

Quiltcover · 28/08/2013 08:53

Your dd is too young to care for pre schoolers in a foreign country. Ridiculous idea. Too much responsibility.
He is acting very suspiciously. Your instincts are spot on.

Texting her constantly, using his daughter to facilitate a visit. Nothing will prob happen, but he is allowing his ego to be stroked massively and enjoying the thrill. You are his dw and deserve respect.

Stand up for yourself. Why would he put the feelings of a colleague over his own dw.

If she was 50 snd ugly, he wouldn't be so keen would he?

Quiltcover · 28/08/2013 08:55

Really, put your foot down now.

What next? Every school holiday, he's nipping over there with dd? That is what will happen. This has been instigated with your dd as a weak disguise. Your dh needs a few home truths and you deserve better.

mamas12 · 28/08/2013 08:56

Oh sorry but I think he thinks that you are stupid to think he can get away with this
You know this is not right and I know how difficult this is to say that with all the gaslighting he is subjecting you to
If I was you I would write a list of questions for him
DofE get the contact number to double check that fact
You all go or just you and dd
Specific arrangements re housing feeding work conditions he has discussed with her already before you ring her
He has to explain to dd what a bad idea this is
When you ring her I mean when you decide you are ready you have the number and you say when
I will get back to you later have to run

Quiltcover · 28/08/2013 08:57

How old is the woman?

Rooners · 28/08/2013 09:00

Oh God yes he sounds a proper arsehole Sad

I'm so sorry.

Yes you are being treated with almost zero respect and your heavy feeling is anger that you are not allowed to express.

He knows you know

It's so fucking obvious what he is doing

He is a bastard Sad

I'm not sure what you can do though. He will throw it back at you whatever you do.

If dd really wants to do it, I'd say yes and then he could go and stay there and I'd tell him not to come back.

Or say, look, you can take her but I don't want to be with you any more, because it is obvious you fancy her and I can't even discuss it with you.

You are welcome to take dd, but I will be leaving you.

I think having come to this level of distrust and disrespect in a relationship it is pretty much the only option - he's a cunt.

You poor thing.

Rooners · 28/08/2013 09:01

I mean, to say, he isn't going to change. Unless you lay down the law - that is your only chance. It MIGHT make him go, Oh I am so sorry, let's discuss this, I have been a twat and will get my act together.

It might.

OTOH it might not.

I don't think you can stay with someone who treats you like this though - he doesn't give a shit does he. Only about himself.

Quiltcover · 28/08/2013 09:06

He's making my blood boil and he's not even my dh. I want to smack the smug, obsessed creep with a spade.

But to be so blatantly disrespectful to his dw and use his impressionable dd.

Your dd will come back full of it and full if how great the woman is (who will no doubt make your dd like her) and your dh will think 'yes isn't she just fantastic...' Vomit

gintastic · 28/08/2013 09:17

Not a chance in hell would I leave my 3 and 5 year old with a 16 year old for a week. Far too much scope for something to go wrong.

I pay large amounts of money for a professional experience childminder to ensure my kids are happy and safe. If she's a rich and successful as you say, then she can afford a temp nanny for a week!

Original poster
WheelWatcher · 28/08/2013 09:23

I was unpacking the suitcases and I found a book of love poems with a card inside thanking him for lunch, signed Y. He must have met up with her when we were on leave.

This is unreal. My heart is racing but I am calm, I bloody knew he was up to something. She's mid 30s I think.

He's coming home at lunchtime to call her, he's ignoring my calls and texted to say he's in a meeting all morning.

I could get her details from the company directory. I want to call her before he gets home.

He will go mad. But I am so cross.

We've only just moved schools and countries, how dare he throw it all in the air.

OP posts:
Quiltcover · 28/08/2013 09:35

Do not call her. You will look a fool. Speak to your dh.

Be calm, difficult I know. Spell it out to your dh, then sit back and listen without interruption to his response.

Quiltcover · 28/08/2013 09:36

She really gave your dh love poems with a thank you note for lunch?
Of so, this isn't about the au pair trip anymore, but your dh emotional affair with his colleague.

Rooners · 28/08/2013 09:42

No, do not call her. You have no relationship with her. Only engage with your DH - ignore her entirely. They are having an affair, even if it's just an emotional one at this stage.

Your contract, as it were, is with him. Not her - don't engage with her.

Do you want to remain in a marriage with him? You need to work out what you want. You can't make him behave a certain way - you can only enable your own needs and that means deciding what you'll put up with, or not, and standing by it.

Don't ring him again. Wait till he comes home and have it out - but you have all the power here. You don't have to stay with this fucknugget.

aftereight · 28/08/2013 10:06

How awful.

How did she get the card to him if he was with you at PIL's? Is it possible that it was from an earlier date? Is there a sales label on the book with a currency symbol on it i.e. could the mooning old fool have bought it himself overseas?

Agree that he is treating you disrepectfully, and that it's ultimatum time.

woozlebear · 28/08/2013 10:37

Oh gosh you poor poor thing. I remember that sick heavy feeling you're talking about. I had an ex like this - simultaneously made it really fecking obvious what he was up to, but also impossible to prove combined with so much gaslighting and making me like an irrational jealous madwoman. The sick heavy feeling is the anger and disappointment combined with the confusion and the horrible feeling that you'll never manage to get up enough momentum to actually go because you can't prove anything. I drove myself nearly mad trying to catch him out and kept telling myself that when I finally proved something I'd leave.

Don't think you need proof, or an admission before you can allow yourself to do anything. You might never get that. Give yourself permission to give him an ultimatum, or leave, whatever you want, whenever you want. Even ASIDE from the emotional affair issue his behaviour has been appalling and disrespectful. That's enough.

No one should make you feel like you're feeling now.

Trigglesx · 28/08/2013 10:59

I just wanted to point out that you don't actually have to have proof of cheating to leave him. If you are unhappy and he is treating you badly, that's well reason enough.

ageofgrandillusion · 28/08/2013 11:02

LTB. He done it once and you didnt learn your lesson. Dont make the same mistake again, unless you want to spend your life being one of those put upon her indoors types whose husband goes around making her look like a complete and utter monkey.

Vivacia · 28/08/2013 11:11

Part of me wonders if this is just the dynamic of your relationship? He cheats, or at least pushes his luck, you get suspicious and catch him out? It just sounds like such an exhausting level of drama I'm not sure why you've permitted it to get to this stage.

On the other hand, perhaps he is a clever, selfish man who has been expert at manipulating you and suddenly the scales are falling from your eyes and this is the start of big changes for you?

Original poster
WheelWatcher · 28/08/2013 11:16

He said the book was a present for my birthday and the card was an old one he was using as a bookmark. He was furious that I had snooped.

I remembered mooning old fool and fucknugget and other things you lovely people said and stood up for myself.

I told him I was emptying suitcases and that was part of my contract with him as a wife and that I have supported his career for decades, and I think he's breaking his contract.

He didn't like that so he was sulky. He called Y and I refused to speak to her and just said conversationally that nothing had been agreed at all, they were both jumping the gun, was there something going on I should know about.

He was holding the phone out to me with his haw hanging open.

It was one of the best moments of my year. I am so grateful for all your advice and that I finally found the courage to post.

He has gone back to work and I am full of adrenaline! I think I need to go for a bike ride.

I don't know what to do when he comes home, he's going to be really angry, he is used to being obeyed. His job is quite powerful, didn't mean that I was a total wimp all the time.

Actually, I think I am if I'm honest.

OP posts:
Trigglesx · 28/08/2013 11:19

He was furious that I had snooped.

Well, yes, they tend to be that way when they've been hiding things.

I don't know what to do when he comes home, he's going to be really angry, he is used to being obeyed.

Think about that. Really think about that. What would you say if one of your friends told you this about her partner? Or if your DD was in a relationship and she told you this about her boyfriend/partner?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 28/08/2013 11:24

WOW! you have done well so far OP. I'm watching with awe from the sidelines. Loved the bit where his jaw dropped open!

Rooners · 28/08/2013 11:36

You're no wimp Grin

I'm applauding here. Brilliant stuff. Keep at it.

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