Would he really be that stupid?

[WheelWatcher]

I think I might be sick. I have worried about a colleague of DH who works in another country and I thought he was talking about her a lot. I told in I felt insecure because she is very successful and younger than me and really attractive but he said I was inventing things and she is married with two small children.
We are on put way home after leave in the UK and he's just told me that our eldest DD is going to au pair for her at half term.
I just feel really weird about this. My DD and I just argue a lot and she and DH have for t the journey getting excited about the trip and Sauk v how great and cool this woman is, how cute the kids are, what fun she will have. He didn't really discuss it with me but he says she's going yo ring me to talk about it this week.
I don't want her to go but I don't think they'll listen because I'm just bring jealous.
I hate this feeling. I think he really likes her.

It's actually quite sinister that he's recruited your DD to collude in what is emotional abuse. Your husband was grooming her to witness her own mother being cheated on, while she looked after his mistress's children.

DD shouldn't have any part in your discussions about his OW or any role in this power struggle.

It will damage her.

I was thinking about you this pm and how I need you're come and try out your new home decorating business on my house :-)

You can do anything you want to do :-)

And me please. I really need ssome interior design/ home organisational advice!....

think about doing something you are good at, that would make you happy

If he gets angry the slimy fucker then I would look him in the eye and say, very calmly and icily: If I find out you have been using our daughter to aid you in one of your dalliances, I will never forgive you

And hurrah for refusing to talk to Y while leaving him gawping and holding the phone Well bloody done!

Well done for standing your ground .

Tell him , he will not wipe the floor with your life .

Good for you

You rock, Wheely

Have NC for this as my parents issues were long ago and actually long resolved, but yes, he could collude with your DD on this.

My DF can be a nippy drunk. My DM is generally confrontational & exacting. When all sober, we had a loud, confrontational but actually very loving household.

When I was very young and DF got too drunk, he would get into altercations with DM. I could see she was entirely unreasonable (she was) and she would push, shove and goad him. What I couldn't see as a child, was that his response (shoving her, being aggressive and intimidating her) wasn't. So he recruited me - she was wrong. In reality, they were both behaving like arseholes to be frank and needed to lay off the wine when stressed. DF's behaviour as the physically stronger partner was worse.

Actually now they are fine, which is really unusual I know. I guess what I'm saying is, don't assume your DC will apply adult reasoning to a situation. I was really bright, but as a kid didn't recognise the reality of the situation (we're all equal, so if mum shoves dad, why can't he shove her back?).

I find this hard to share because it was a blip & my family life was otherwise really very happy, but I think it's important to recognise that DC might not have the perspective that you have with years.

Thank you all.

Anon, that must have been very painful to post, I am grateful for the point you make and it's a valuable one. She was very quiet for the rest of supper and has gone straight to bed, usually she would be down here arguing and refusing bedtime.

When we were alone, I said exactly what you suggested, Scarlett. He blustered a bit and shook his head like I was mad but I came into the study and left him to it.

I've been researching on the pc since we got home and looking at decorating courses I could do here. He came in with tea a little while ago and tried to discuss dates and locations. I told him that I also had private areas of my life and this was none of his business.

He has been back twice since, once to ask about dates for our next UK family visit as his mum is having an operation. He had already volunteered me to sort out his dad and stay there and he was checking whether he should book flights. I said I wasn't sure now if I was free and he should maybe get on to an agency as I couldn't commit. That annoyed him but I was icy cold and I think he's worrying. The next time he asked if I wanted to talk, all cuddling me and doing the 'I'm worried about you' faces.

That just made me more determined not to fall for this stuff. 24 hours ago I was crying on a ferry, now he is worrying and I know which I prefer.

He said 'I know you're tired.' I said 'you don't know what I'm tired of though do you?'' Then I came up for a bath because I don't know whether to cry or not.

I need to make time to reconnect with DD. I think I might take her away somewhere at half term and DH can take time off and see to the DTSs.

I wiped my history afterwards, just like he does. I bloody hope he's in there now panicking at the thought he's not in control.

doha good question. I don't hear much about him.

misalien and Boomba it's funny, the organising and decorating business is HUGE!!! We have lots of expats here, I'm whirling with ideas.

Thank you for your amazing support everyone. I honestly feel like I've flipped into another life tonight.

You're playing this a treat. The worm has turned.

This is just to say your instincts are probably right. My dad was just like this - he'd get obsessive about a different younger (always female) colleague and that obsession would last a couple of months or so. Then he'd move on to the next. Whether or not he actually had affairs with them I don't know (he has the ability to miss the bleeding obvious so he may not have) but the effect was depressing. My mother, like you was a SAHM who did everything for us. These were all young, pretty, successful city types. There was an implied criticism of mum. She didn't deserve this and it constantly knocked her confidence. If she ever objected she just looked ridiculous because there was 'nothing going on' so she just ended up looking like the mad 'fish wife'. But it is not acceptable behaviour. It has happened in my marriage - my husband has the same tendency. The difference is that I am aware of it and have pulled him up on it.

Also remember there is more than one way to have an affair. Whether or not it is acknowledged or acted upon doesn't matter if your DH has emotionally invested in the other woman to the point that he thinks or acts as if she is 'better' than you, a 'better' example to your children then he has been unfaithful. He has been unfaithful to your marriage and his responsibilities as a father.

You are a fantastic example to your daughter - a SAHM, is a project manager, people manager, PA for more than 1 person (and the diary management of that is a juggling feat), housekeeper (in all the positive meanings of that term), primary caregiver to children, cook. A sahm is skilled in budgeting, financial management, negotiation, politics (school gates - make the commons look easy) and she does it all whilst making it look as if she does very little as it is always just there as background activity. This is not to mention that she probably also has hobbies, cleaning duties, chauffering duties, laundry etc. He should be acknowledging and applauding that!

I am in total awe of you Wheels you have found a part of you l think you forgot existed.
What an amazing transformation in 24 hours
keep it up.

Just want to say, you're a brave and sensible lady, Wheels. More power to to you.

Yes this is all brilliant stuff, but take care not to get so wrapped up in your new plans and being gung-ho that it all becomes a distraction and an avoidance tactic.

This man has treated you really badly and has got your DD involved in it.

You seemed shocked when I raised the possibility of dumping him. For a lot of women, finding evidence of an affair (even if it's only emotional) and trying to recruit children into the web of deceit and lies, not to mention bullying of the other parent, would be over and above their tolerance thresh-hold.

You seem to be avoiding a difficult conversation right now with him and instead, dropping hints.

It is okay to end a marriage for this sort of treachery you know.

OP, she may be young, successful, Oxbridge-educated and whatever, but you are worth a million of her (and of your H). I wish I had been as resolute as you when my H started deceiving me.

Do you want to stay with him?

I don't get the impression that this is separation territory for the OP. it seems fairly familiar behaviour from the husband.

LMFAO here I believe the expression is I started reading this and almost cheered by page 3.

Your H is a warped spoilt individual OP and I think you've turned a corner, all the best x

You're all so very kind, I can't tell you what strength I have taken from your words.

Leaven, it was the clinical neatness if the solution that made me smile!

On a serious note, I do hear what you are saying. I feel like a torrent has burst and I have realised that I don't HAVE to feel this way all the time.

I think I need to get myself some counselling because I have allowed myself to be walked over and I want to learn more about that.

We have had a very unsettled life with lots of postings and we just settled the twins at boarding school and DD at day school here. She has been falling behind and I need to get her back on track academically. I also feel that we have drifted apart; she doesn't really notice me and I worry about upsetting her and those are not good ways for a mum and DD to feel.

Yes, this is a long pattern from my DH. I have always worried and felt sad about it but right now I can see a time when I no longer care.

He needs me to keep his lovely house and entertain for his job and all the other support I give.

I need to think about whether that's even an option.

Today, I think that concentrating on me and DD for the next few months will be enough.

He will do what he wants, he always has. The real difference is that it won't get any reaction at all from me. No tears, pleading, short-term promises.

He can show ME that I'm valued. I have asked him to come for a long walk this weekend because I have some things to tell him. It's not going to be a discussion because his words are empty.

It might be a start though.

I was in a similar position and can totally emphasise with you. My ex used my dd's especially dd1 when he was having an affair with a woman who had a daughter of similar age.

Finding out about the affair hurt a lot less than knowing how he was using dd1 and conspiring behind my back. DD2 eventually told me how theyd been meeting a lady etc..... I divorced him and rebuilt my relationship with dd1 as he had tried to alienate her from me. You have handled it really well so far... Good luck x

Ok OP.

I just hope you don't drag this out too long though.

I get that it's not always possible to end a marriage swiftly.

But I'm a bit concerned that you're going to carve out a new life for yourself within this marriage, rather than getting out and removing yourself and your kids from something that's damaging at least one of them.

You might be okay ploughing your own furrow and having no expectations of your marriage.

The kids might not though.

Hi op just a thought re counselling - maybe speak to a life coach? (One who comes with recommendations - there are some shysters out there!) but a life coach could make sense of what you do next and how you prepare for it. - and how to keep this momentum going. At the moment you are fired by adrenaline, but it may catch up with you. Speaking to a supportive outsider will help keep perspective and action going.

V excited to hear what you do next!

cahu, that's just awful, I've only gone to the brink of that, it must have hurt so so much. How is your relationship with DD1 now? How did you rebuild?

Leaven yes, I see what you are saying. It feels like I have just realised all the doors in front of me when before I only saw nothing.

I hope that it's possible to do both things at once, but if I have to make a priority it will be DD at this point. She has suffered socially with all the upheaval and being spoiled rather by DH. I have been looking at counselling for her too and have today met a great lady who socialises in family and teen issues.

I would like her to enjoy her last couple of years at home with me; DH travels a lot and has been telling me how's by trips he needs to make this year.

I think he needs to listen to me and then either make the running or do the decent thing.

A huge bunch of flowers arrived from
DH this morning. I have given them to the friend who just moved house!

Ehhn, sorry I missed your lovely post, yes that's exactly what I was thinking too! All those skills I didn't know I had! I had coffee today with a friend who asked if I would consider giving etiquette lessons to US wives; it made me [sceptical] and

Honestly, whatever next! But it's certainly a thought. And apparently very well paid (build little nest egg...)