Update on husband engaging in online grooming

[StillWaitingForMotherhood]

Hello everyone.

He has been arrested, he has been in a police cell since yesterday and the police have both his computers, his phone, camera, iPad, everything.

I am truly ashamed of myself and those of you who are furious with me and sickened by my original post are absolutely justified. Having read it back this morning I am genuinely appalled at myself.

I would just like to ask that you please try and understand that I was in utter, utter shock when I wrote it. You always imagine that you know how you would behave in a given situation, but when overnight your world changes and everything you thought you knew comes crashing down around your ears, I guess it makes you do and think strange things.

I would also like to clarify that when I referred to pubescent girls and their curves, I was attempting to articulate (very badly) that these were pictures that the girls were posting of themselves, not pictures that others had made them pose for. The way I phrased this was absolutely inappropriate and offensive and I am very, very sorry for this. All of the girls in the pictures, pubescent or pre-pubescent regardless, are CHILDREN, I would never look at it any other way and it is sickening.

I am not a troll, I am a real person who this time two days ago had a (as far as I was concerned) troubled but basically normal marriage with a troubled but basically normal man.

Anyway I have read every single one of your posts this morning and felt you deserved an update and some reassurance that this man is no longer free to talk to children.

Thank you.

OP,
He is very highly likely to minimise and to a large extent deny any bad intent. He will also, I suspect, even try to blame you for a lack of a sex life which has driven him to do this. You must know that this is rubbish and his sexual attraction/choices toward young girls us all about him and utterly nothing to do with you.

He is probably going to get police bail whilst they pore over his stuff ( poss delayed by BH weekend.) DO phone the cop shop and tell them he cannot use your address as a bail address. Also tell them to inform CPS that the court cannot use your address for bail purposes.

There will be much more than you have seen and that may lead to a charge of grooming children for sexual purposes. It all depends on what he was said.

is all about him.

Of course you were in shock yesterday. I didn't read your post as someone minimising what you had found. It was mmore that you hoped you were over reacting bbecause the alternative was too awful to contemplate.

Well done for reporting and I hope you have some real life support.

Well done OP. please do not post anything that could identify you or him though - it could be contempt of court.

And to others - please do not post stories of your own grooming incidents unless you can fudge the details slightly. You could so easily identify the victims and that is not on. In fact it could get you put on the sex offenders register.

Best of luck OP. please do get some real life support. No matter how brilliant the support on here it's no match for a real physical hand holding.

imasurvivortoo, i admire you for coming and helping the op by sharing your story.
It will give her hope.

I hope you continue to move forwards. x

Well done op that took a lot of courage to do but you have done the right thing. I hope that one day you can put it all behind you and find a man who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and have that family you have always wanted.
Good luck.

Well done OP.
I wish I would've done this straight away like yourself and am completely heartwarmed by your bravery.
You don't have to be sorry for anything; you haven't done anything wrong.
I think people should also think 'innocent until proven guilty' as far as threads on Mumsnet are concerned.
I have seen troll posts, but I don't automatically jump to them. I know sometimes we all get really invested in them though and put our heart and soul into giving advice.
I wish you the best of luck.
I really hope you have a friend, family member or even a police liason officer or such like to talk through your worries, fears and emotions as it's bound to really be emotionally staggering for you.
I am thinking of you and wishing you the best in staying strong and knowing that you did the right thing.

Because you did do the right thing and for all you know, you could've saved some poor child being groomed by this man.
Be comforted by your actions there.

I also echo what Pan said.

A lot of blaming may occur and aimed in your direction.

Also, you may find that he'll say something in the realms of, 'I wouldn't have had to do it if you gave me a proper sex life'.

So just be warned.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

This is a genuine question - why would posting details of grooming incidents run a risk of that poster being put on the sex offenders' register?

My thoughts exactly Lois

OP I am massively impressed - well done and my thoughts are with you

Lois - identifying the victim of sexual abuse is a criminal offence. If you do it, you can be put on the sex offenders register.

Well done StillWaiting, so glad to hear you did the right thing. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must all be for you, you have been terribly brave.

Blimey, I didn't know that.

Well done.

You know, even had he not been this disturbed, you would have found that your description 'troubled' would have brought YOU a ton of trouble.

Now you have time to grieve, let go, really look hard at what 'hooks' (vulnerabilities) he had for you that you fell for him, so you can deal with those and move on to a more healthy man who really will be a good Dad to the children you will have in the future.

File OP, don't try and rescue him or understand him just get him out of your life.

Oh stillwaiting, I read your thread yesterday but didn't have much time to post.

Well done on making the right decision but I recognise that this must have been absolutely horrific for you.

Thinking of you xxx

You have done a very brave and difficult thing. {{{hugs}}}

Well done OP.
You should not feel ashamed. You have done the right thing.
Whatever comes out what he has done, you put a stop to it.

I hardly ever post on relationships but as someone who was groomed and abused as a young teenager I wanted to say well done and thank you!

I cannot imagine how shocking and hard it must have been to find out and to report the person you love/loved to the police.

However, in your dark times (which I'm sure there will be) you must remember that your actions have saved young girls from the hell I have been through, which ruined my life for many years. You have been immensely strong.

I didn't see the previous post but my heart goes out to you. And how brave to come back on here and say what you said...that takes courage. I hope you have lots of support in real life, well done.

Another one congratulating you. I never doubted you - when posters discover their DH's are having affairs they are often in shock. When you discover he has been grooming DC on line the shock must be quadruple and your instincts were spot on: seeking confirmation from third parties is completely normal and, to do so, you need to play a bit of devil's advocate (in this case minimising what your H was doing) to be sure that posters are not just agreeing with you to be polite.

Will your H get bail? Can you see a solicitor urgently to get him kept away from the house? Are you getting advice from somewhere about immediate practical steps to take? Perhaps Women's Aid would be able to help. I am sure other posters are better prepared than I am.

Were you relying on your partner's salary to pay mortgage/rent? If so, what are your plans? Do you have a salary of your own? Do you have enough savings?

Sorry to be so practical but you need to eat and have somewhere to live.

But most of all, I understand you must be feeling like your whole life has caved in - all your certainties gone. I DO know how you feel but will not share as, when I have in the past, I have been accused of trolling as it is so unusual. I even had MNHQ delete my account with no explanation!! (I just set up a new one with a different email and name). That is why I know how isolating it feels when, faced with the worst thing in your life, people start accusing you of being a troll instead of helping. Anyway, hopefully you now have a good support community here. Today is the first day of the rest of your brilliant life away from that man :-) It will only get better, I promise. It's lucky you found out now and not after children.

With many, many hugs xxxxxx

Well done Op I hope you have some real life support to get you through a very dark time.

Listen to Pan OP!