i slapped ds

[MadEyeMoodyBitch]

Feeling absolutely sick. Was changing ds, he is 2 and 3 months, he was wriggling, but nothing even that bad, I suddenly snapped and shouted at him to stop moving and slapped the inside of his thigh so hard it left a red mark.

No idea where that came from, i have been a bit cranky all day but no reason to be.

I am terrified I'm an abusive parent. Every few days I shout. I have pushed him before. This is the worst thing I have ever done, I am terrified of normalizing it and starting to hit etc all the time.

Please help, is there anyone who has been through this and made changes and become a better parent.

I don't have answers but am writing to say I hope you're ok, you sound like a loving mother and as a one off this is not so terrible.

Also marking my place because DM, while absolutely loving, also had a hell of a temper and tendency to slap in anger that I definitely don't want to replicate, so am keen to see tips from others.

I have done this once, to my son ie. L leaving a red mark.

I decided I didn't want to be that sort of parent, and haven't done it to any of my children since. You can do the same, I'm sure. You need to be proactive though: lean to recognise when you are near snapping point, and decide ahead of things what better strategies you could use. Don't just try and use willpower!

Then, forgive yourself. We are all human and make mistakes. The best humans learn from them, and become better people and parents! You are on this path, because you posted about this and don't want it to happen again.

Abusive parents don't feel bad, so that you aren't.
Just don't do it again is all any of us can say.

I disagree. I'm sure some abusive parents feel bad afterwards every time. I think the important thing is to take steps to stop the escalation.

Take five minutes when you need to calm down. Ask for help when you are struggling. Practice techniques to calm and ground yourself, such as focusing on your breathing.

I hope someone comes along with better advice soon.

Thank you for the responses so far. I will be back to say more after the dcs are in bed (we are in oz BTW)

You slapped a 2 yr old, at the moment you are an abusive parent. You have also pushed him. You need to get some professional help to deal with your anger towards a baby. When you feel like this you need to step away from your child.

What 2468 said.

All in all it's a bad combination and not an isolated act.

A quick slap on tighs might work and not be that bad, but not in anger nor leaving red marks.
The pushing... Why???

You should talk to your gp and HV if you are feeling this angry.

Hi op, I wanted to say that I have been in a similar situation where my temper with lovely DS got out of control and I was worried about where it was leading.

I don't think it's helpful to use labels like abusive parent at this stage but I feel you are right not to minimise this as it could escalate into something long lasting and damaging. That was my fear with my DS so I went to the doctor and asked for both anti depressants and counselling which so far have worked wonders and I have had no incidents of flash rage since.

I hadn't hit my DS but had shouted, screamed and pushed him. I hated myself and was really low. The gp was very supportive though and things between DS and I are great again.

You can sort this out and change but it is unlikely to be as simple as just not doing it anymore, if there is an underlying reason you need to address that. Please get some support. Xx

Yes it is escalating. I cannot just" make sure it doesn't happen again".... every time something happens I feel awful and think it will never happen again. Then this. I feel physically sick.

I cannot see my gp about this, I don't have that kind of relationship,I feel too embarrassed.

Thank you for saying this is abusive, it's hard for me to hear this as I love my children more than anything but maybe it is the wake up call I need.

Thank you also for the messages of support.

What are you going to do MadEye?

I did this with my DS, I had undiagnosed depression at the time, I was also very very tired and stressed and I hated myself for it after. I did go and see my GP, I wouldn't say I have that type of relationship with them I'm not sure what you mean there? I just explained how low I felt, how tired etc, the more we talked the more I realised I had a problem and she prescribed a course of anti depressants. I also looked into counselling and had some. It completely changed my attitude and how I felt within myself. I still regret that time in my life and sometimes relive it in my head. The guilt is still there for how I treated my DCs.

How much sleep are you getting? How much help/ rest are you getting? Because my patience is very low when I am tired.

How do you feel within yourself right now? Have you attended any parenting courses?

I found age 2-3 very tough but you have to get the tools now to help you not lose it again with your son. Please get some help.

OK so you know you need to do something. IMO you should go to the doctor and ask for ADs; they can help you cope. You are massively overreacting to normal everyday problems.

Do not think you can do nothing and everything will be OK. It will not.

Great post Dontstep. I think you've hit the nail on the head that the OP's behaviour is a symptom of underlying problems that need addressing. And can be addressed with help from a GP.

When my son was two I told the doctor that she had three choices:

a) have him adopted as he was driving me mad
b) give him medication so that I could cope with him
c) give me medication so that I could cope with him.

She was lovely. She said, "Well, let's start with giving you something..." She did, I took it, I never needed options a) or b) again.

Vivacia I don't know what I'm going to do. That's why I posted. Firstly to confirm that I am correct in thinking this is a big deal and I'm right to be concerned. Secondly to get some ideas about how I can change my behaviour.

This happened to me also I slapped my ds once when he was a toddler I had diagnosed pnd although i'm not excusing it.
It was enough for me to know that I wasn't going to be this type of parent. (my dp slapped my siblings and myself).
I agree with others that if you were a bad parent you wouldn't be feeling bad about what happened. And there is most likely underlying reasons for why your feeling this stressed with your ds.
Please go to your Dr and ask for some help for yourself that is what they are there for..
((((hug))))

The main advice seems to be to speak to your GP. What do you think about making an appointment tomorrow?

I don't think I an depressed. I had pnd for the first year at least of my son's life. This feels different. I don't feel sad and desperate all the time. More bored, frustrated and angry.

I have a newborn also.

I am getting sleep, 2 to 3 hours at a time, I thought I was coping pretty well.

What i said about not having that kind of relationship, I meant I don't have a gp I feel comfortable with, who I can confide in.

The fact you recognise you did wrong and you feel guilt shows it was a bad judgement but probably nothing more.

I lost it with my dd when she was around 2 and slapped her for not letting me put her shoes on. She is 10 and ds is 7, neither child was ever hit again. I'm a great mum and I'm sure you are too.

Btw I did have an abusive mother so I know what I'm talking about.

I need to go to sleep now, will be back later.

I thought I was coping pretty well

You're not coping well enough for the sake of your child's safety.

I don't have a gp I feel comfortable with, who I can confide in

Does it help to think of the doctor as a professional giving you a service you need, rather than a confidante to trust with a shameful secret?

2-3 hours of sleep is not good. Depression can manifest itself in anger and two sets of depression don't always feel the same.

Could you change doctor? It's vital that you have one that you feel you can talk to.

What's your relationship like with your partner?

I had a similar issue when ds was 2-3 he was very hard to deal with and I found anger management techniques helped

I was bottling up anger about something else and bad tantrums from him just used up make me snap

Look that up as a priority if you don't like your gp and try to find out what the underlying stress is ?

Hope it makes you feel better reading about others

I agree that you are not that bad if you feel guilty, but the fact is that you are still doing it, even though you are promising yourself that you won't, and your children will end up suffering if it doesn't stop.

Hopefully this will be your wake up call, yes.

You need to get more sleep.
Sleep deprivation is horrible and can mess with your mind. It is important.
Do you have a partner or family, even friends, who could have the children for a few hours regularly, so that you can sleep?

A friend told me about how her son wouldn't sleep, and he was sent to grandparents at weekends to enable her and her DH to sleep.

Take care of yourself.
Even if you don't have that kind of relationship with the gp, you can still ask for help on how to cope with the children. No need for details, but do say you are not coping and you are worried it will get worse.

I don't know how it works in Australia but you need to get some help. Perhaps you are just very tired? Broken sleep with a newborn can be debilitating.

Do you have health visitors there? It can feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable to admit you're struggling but you need to talk to your HV or GP and seek help. I do not feel close to any of the doctors at my surgery tbh. I just trusted that they had the training and experience and would have seen many Mothers before who felt like me and I was right, she was very understanding and supportive.

Did you have ADs for the PND last time?

Depression can feel different each time as Imperial said.

The HV may know of a good parenting course nearby you can attend, so it is well worth speaking to them. Some more tools and having a plan of action as insomniac said will help.

Sleep well MadEye.