i slapped ds

[MadEyeMoodyBitch]

Feeling absolutely sick. Was changing ds, he is 2 and 3 months, he was wriggling, but nothing even that bad, I suddenly snapped and shouted at him to stop moving and slapped the inside of his thigh so hard it left a red mark.

No idea where that came from, i have been a bit cranky all day but no reason to be.

I am terrified I'm an abusive parent. Every few days I shout. I have pushed him before. This is the worst thing I have ever done, I am terrified of normalizing it and starting to hit etc all the time.

Please help, is there anyone who has been through this and made changes and become a better parent.

It's nothing like the uk from what I've seen, giving a toddler a smack is nothing to get excited sbout, I know two who regularly smack theirs with a wooden spoon, nobody bats an eyelid.
If the child is dressed and fed I suspect it'll be a case of get a grip and get on with it.

We all have our limits, but hurting a child is never ok. On the plus side, you recognise that your actions were wrong. My mum sometimes hit me when she was stressed but never seemed to feel bad about it.

2-3 hours at a time is still not a lot when you are getting interrupted sleep ike that night after night. When my dd was little I got myself to the same stage as you. I would shout or (very rarely, but i did it) push or smack her, and afterwards feel huge guilt and promise myself I would never do it again. I even shouted at her that I hated her once. My beautiful, sweet, engaging dd whom I loved with a passion.

That was the point when I did what you are doing, I stopped and looked at myself and realised it wasn't right or fair to be like this with her' and that most of all it wasnt ME.

I was very isolated, couldn't drive, had no friends, saw no one but DH when he got home from work. I changed this, I got out for a walk every day, I read some anger management books, I looked at my own childhood to see where any of this had come from ( both oarents have hige anger management issues and arevery explosive in temper and shildish when angry) I learned to recognise my triggers and remove myself from the situation when I could feel the rage start. I also told DH and my long distance friend what was happening and they were wonderful and supportive and helped me gain control of myself.

I pretended that every move I made could be seen by someone else, if I went to do something that I knew someone else would see was wrong, I stopped myself. Sometimes it was easy. Sometimes I had to physically remove myself from the room for a minute and scream into or punch a pillow.

I have never ever touched ds in anger, or dd subsequent to the day I shouted that I hated her. Don't get me wrong, they still get told off and very occasionally shouted at if they are very naughty, but they will never ever again feel the lash of that uncontrolled and unexplainable anger, because it doesn't belong in their world. It belongs in mine and is mine to handle.

You CAN do this. Parenthood is hard and thankless and boring at time and I think feeling trapped by that lead me to be like I was. So I now make a point of having a weekend away from the kids, once every 3 months or so, even if just to visit a friend, doesn't have to be expensive, keeps me sane, makes them all appreciate me a lot more.

Realise my bad typing makes me sound drunk! Am in fact sober but in a hurry! Sorry. :)

Mosman - people, including children, need more than to be dressed and fed to thrive, or even just to survive in a healthy fashion, and I can't imagine anyone not thinking its horrible to regularly smack someone with a wooden spoon.

MadEye - I agree with others that getting help from a medical professional who is there to help you would be a good step for you, but I also know that step is difficult. While you are working towards that, I will recommend The Orange Rhino which is more about stopping yelling, but I've found it useful is helping to break other anger patterns as well. It includes a lot of alternative actions that can be practiced until they become habit as well as ideas for how to improve your environment and life habits to change your anger habits - such as sleep, remembering to eat and drink well, the importance of movement and stretching and getting outside, and looking at what is really triggering you to be more angry and working on that. Keeping an anger trigger journal can be highly useful (the author of the Orange Rhino found any disagreement with her partner would result in her getting more angry with the kids, I personally find mess in certain places makes it easier for me to feel angry and lack of mess makes it easier for me to remain calm).

Some find making an anger area to put themselves in quite helpful (decorated with things to help calm down as well as reminders of why it is important to calm down like baby pictures) or post it note reminders around the house. Some people find it helpful to remember that they do keep control outside/in front of an audience when they do not want to look bad and that they can keep control in front of their most important audience which needs to be your child rather than all of them.

Journaling both through painful issues as well as positive things to remind you can be helpful as can working on painful issues in the past. I found this game to be amazingly cathartic on this.

Knowing it's wrong is the first step, which sadly not everyone gets past which is why the cycle of violence tends to carry on. Working on breaking your own anger and violence will be of great benefit to you and your child, it will take effort but it will be worth it

When I went to see my gp I hadn't met her before so had no relationship at all. It was a very hard thing to do but I felt I had to ask for support because clearly I wasn't coping. I don't feel sad either, I was more frustrated and cross, depression doesn't always mean feeling sad.

I know it's hard but I really think you should see the gp, they are in the best place to help you and your children.

Spork many thanks for those links.

Mosman what do you mean? It sounds like you're saying people in Australia don't think it's a big deal to hit children. I can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth.

Okay plan of action here.

Going to read and research as much as I can about anger management, starting with the links Spork posted.

Starting a journal tonight.

I am still in touch with a nonprofit organization that helped me through pnd, I will contact them and tell them what's going on and ask for support.

I will think about going to see a gp. just not sure how they could help. Haven't had good experiences in the past... For example one gp told me that she didn't think I was depressed because my eyes "didn't look sad," this prevented me from seeking help for some time and I felt like a complete sham.

I will apologize to my son and tell him that I am going to try very hard to be gentle and patient from now on.

I'll let you know how things go. It has helped to share here.

I'm in Australia, been through similar feelings though shouting at DS1 but v horribly - felt awful. Had newborn too. Went to GP, went through how I felt and she said the flash anger alone can mean it is PND. Antidepressants here too, made a big difference and made the anger manageable. Counseling helped me too. The sleep deprivation also must not be under estimated.
I suspect Mosman was being tongue in cheek

Your Aussie GP will understand, not be surprised (its not uncommon) and will help. Please consider it, from those of us who have been through it.
you're not a bad mummy because of this, you've recognised it and will get help.

That GP sounds dreadful, what an awful experience. Many are very good. To be honest I am sceptical about GPs (!) but I was pleasantly surprised.

I actually wasn't being tongue in cheek at all, I've never seem so much smacking in broad daylight even within sight of the teachers as goes in here in my little corner of Perth, an angst educated professionals too (who you'd expect to know better).
I'm glad you have an action plan OP who wants to be that type of parent.

Mosman that's terrible.... How sad! It's not like that where I live.

People who have been on ADs, do you mind sharing your experiences? I have a knee jerk reaction to the idea. Worried about dependency etc.

Hi op, you action plan sounds positive. I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences with GPs in the past, it can feel like a lottery. I had one gp tell me I wasn't depressed because I didn't tick enough boxes on their questionnaire so I went back with a pnd specific questionnaire and had ticked almost every box. I didn't see that gp again.

Anyway, my experience with ADs has been positive. I was worried about dependence too so put off going on them but after a full weekend of anxiety and crossness I really felt like I had to do something, I was already seeing a counsellor at that time and she was great but I felt I needed something extra. I am on the safest ADs for breast feeding and they make me a little more tired than normal but otherwise I feel so much better, it's like a fog has lifted. I can cope with one thing at a time and focus, I am not as frightened to try things or cope any to any but the most important thing is that DS and I get on great again and I lost my temper with him. This feels like a holiday from my self destructive ways.

The do and therapist said that part of what the ADs do is retrain my brain to be more positive and to cope better so as long as I'm on them for at least 6 months the positive effects will continue won't I've stopped taking them because I will be in the habit of more productive, positive thinking. But at the moment I'm not thinking that far ahead, I'm just enjoying where I am now.

Sorry that's so long, I hope it makes sense. Good luck op, you're doing something great for yourself and your kids by addressing this now. Xx

MadEye let me take a moment to point something out to you that I think is significant. You did this, yes, but you were immediately horrified and took steps towards self-improvement.

STBXH did this exact same thing as well. He lied to me about it - even though our 3yo was sitting there sobbing saying "Daddy hurt me." He lied 3 times, until I saw the red handprint and confronted him with it. He then said it was our 3yo's fault as he wouldn't settle down to be changed. He then minimised it as much as he possibly could. Then, when a day or two later I said to him that I was still upset over it and not comfortable leaving the children alone with him, he said "God, this again? So I hit DS2, so what?" And berated me for trusting my 3yo over him. (with good reason IMO)

THAT is why we are separated. The big difference between you and him? You see that the behaviour is wrong and are taking steps to fix it. Best of luck to you.

I was on ADs for a year. I went back to the GP frequently for a check up. We always completed the questionnaire each time to see how/ if I was improving and then I came off them slowly after a year with her guidance. It was absolutely fine. It made me a much better parent whilst on them. I didn't over react or get that rage with them I had before. So sad thinking back but they were a life saver for me. I felt so much better.

I hope you can find a GP who is kind to you.

I would like to thank you OP for
Posting this because I recognise
Myself in a lot of your post.

I have been feeling quite bad for a while and want to cry one minute and then have flash anger the next, I have smacked both DD2 and DS, (although not hard enough to leave a mark ) and I am not that type of parent. DD1 is 11 and I have never smacked her or shouted when she was younger, I was patient and happy with her, i don't feel that way now I feel like I'm on edge all the time, almost like flight or fight mode and in longed for my babies we tried for years and all I do is shout or moan. I have really been hating myself for it.

Sorry for hijack but your OP has made me call the docs I have an appointment for this afternoon and I am going to get help so thank you xx

Hi op, sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

I've started reading 'Buddhism for mothers' (I'm not a
Buddhist) but it has a lot on how to raise children calmly. There's an excellent section on anger management too.

I think when you start getting more sleep, you will feel better. Look after yourself

What has your husband/partner said about what you have done ?

RaRaRay I am so glad you are going to get help and that my post resonated with you. I would love to know how it goes with your gp. I am surprised that most people are so calm about seeing a doctor, I think you are all very brave, I think I always assumed that everyone was as pathetic as I am about seeking help!

Dfanjo I have a copy. Will start reading tonight or tomorrow.

Trigglesx thank you for sharing that. I feel much better because I am realizing that for me the challenge is to align my actions with my beliefs, which I think must be a lot easier than having to change one's beliefs completely.

I haven't mentioned this incident to dp, but he knows I have struggled with losing it and with shouting. When he has been home he has stepped in and taken over. I have done the same for him when he was being shouty dad. I am more likely than him to get physical though.

My mother yelled at me quite a lot, it was like walking on eggshells around her as I never knew when the rules would suddenly change. I don't remember her ever hitting me but my older sister says that she was but all the time and that our mother now denies it.

I don't think that yo can start to make such a monumental change in your behaviour towards your child without telling your husband. And I.think that you are trying to minimise what has happened by alluding to your husband being 'shouty' as well. Just how much shouting and pushung does your 2 year old have to endure on a weekly basis ? Because I'm not convinced that a few self help books and a desire to improve things are enough without support from your husband AND professional help is going to be enough.

MadEye - this has been going on for quite some time with me and I think just reading your post has helped me see that actually it's not normal and its not 'me'. I don't want to be that shouty mum that loses her temper and smacks I want to be the fun mum I once was with DD1.
I've realised it not normal to feel rage because DD2 and DS are being children, or to want to stab DH because he's done something small , for example not pick up a toy or put his plate in the dishwasher.

I spoke to my sister this morning to ask her to watch the DCs whilst I go to docs and she asked what was wrong, I promptly cried and explained and she even said I haven't been myself and I usually have loads more patience etc and I haven't seemed happy for a while.

I am going to the doctors because I don't think I can do this myself I really do need help, I would normally muddle through but this is my childrens childhood an I don't want to be the one to ruin it by being like I am I want them to have happy memories of me.
I have also have alittle bit of OCD with being clean an I have to Hoover /wash floors and bathrooms everyday and I can see I've been worse since I've been feeling like this, I don't want to be that mum that cleans all the time and don't get to enjoy my children I don't feel like a 'see' them and when I look back the last 3 yrs feel like a blur.

I need help and I am going to get it.

Be brave go to your doctor, they won't judge you they are there to help I think if it is depression you will need more support then just self help books, tell you DP I plan to have a frank discussion with DH tonight and hope he can help me too.

Sorry for the essay I will post once I've seen the doctor and let you know what they say.

I found any temper losing was due to me not getting enough sleep, not engaging with the children properly, ie letting things escalate by not managing their time, drinks and snacks. if I had been out and was slightly hungover it was much worse, so no drinking now, plus structured exercise.

You have to learn to recognise in yourself the rage rising and stop. This is hard if you were raised by temper as I was. You have the reactions you parents taught you. Its very hard to change.

I found thinking about what I would do in such and such a situation very helpful, so I thought of a different response. I read lots of books and I am careful now to ensure when I have had enough, I say " right, mummy needs ten minutes" and I use it as an example of how to manage yourself and your temper.

We have a list of things we do if feeling tired and short fused, and I encourage the dc to recognise it in themselves and others. No one is perfect, but we can help ourselves. They are 6 and 4.

MadEye - I saw the doctor this afternoon and she confirmed hat I am infant depressed and since I haven't felt quite 'right' since DS was born it is most likely PND.

She has given me ADs and has given me ones that are not addictive so i don't have to worry about that. They can take up to 3 weeks to take effect I am hoping it will be sooner. I would like to be ME again.

I burst my bubble and spoke to DH and also confided in my sisters who were great and have offered support and an ear if I need one. I am now on the road to recovery.

Please seek help I feel better because I know I am going to get better and enjoy my children again

Okay you have all convinced me. I can't do this by myself. I will talk to my partner today and make an appointment to see the gp.