Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

[Fireplaces]

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

I would like to avoid competitive misery and always try to avoid invading someone else's thread with my own experience. However, it would feel rude to ignore your question Wobbly. Yes, I have dealt with difficult experiences, including betrayal. I continue to deal with things that challenge me. Sometimes I lose my cool. Sometimes I make mistakes. I just aspire to calmness, dignity and kindness. (Emphasis on the aspire!).

From her reactions to what I write I get the impression that me and Wobbly have very different takes on things. That's ok and I'm comfortable with our differences but would like to thank those of you who defended me where my comments have been misinterpreted,

jeez, he thinks he can just write down this confession and that will make everything alright. When he has made you feel 10 times worse! And a 23 year old, what a twassock.

Can you support yourself financially? Is there much equity in the house?

Has he actually said he will never ever have anything to do with this person again? You don't just go from thinking of someone the minute you wake up and telling them you love them, to reverting all your feelings back to your wife in one easy step. So I suspect that he is shitting it about breaking off with her - if he works with her then he may well be frightened of her reaction. Its easy for a 23 year old to believe every word she is told about their future together - and god knows what he told her about YOU to make her think that he was in a relationship with her!

No,he will have followed the script and told her that things have just got a bit difficult and that they have to lay low for a while. In the meantime he looks for another job and and tries to smooth things over with you.

No, seriously Vivacia, I would like very much to get to the state of cool, honest.

Sorry if I misread your post.

I was ruminating a bit earlier about forks in the road. Our marriage/his depression started/ending in around 2004 now I look back. (There was definitely a work colleague EA then, but she had class). I will always wonder what was or was not, what I am responsible for and what he was. We will never be able to talk about it, because he is so defensive and I am to blame for everything anyway.

Anyway, thank you for letting me know a little about yourself.

[Imagining we are a group having coffee and supporting Fireplace, Wobbly having a little aside with Vivacia]

• humbly back to focussing on and supporting Fireplace ...

Evening all. What a wretched day. I am so tired. Feel very upset and very raw. Very much looking forward to getting some sleep (have bought some Nytol) tonight after last night's wretched attempt.

Have managed to eat cereal, sandwich and a cup of soup today. Not much but stomach and resulting toilet trips make it difficult.

I have made an appointment for me to attend an initial consultatioon at Relate. On my own. It will be on Monday. I am starting to get some RL help from friends, but need to talk this stuff through with someone who is trained to guide me etc.

In the meantime, I have the wonderful support of you guys, thank you.

I think going to a counsellor is a good idea, glad you've got in so soon.

It is a good idea.

You really are coping rather well.

Well done for eating and making the relate appt, it will be good for you to talk to someone on the outside. Nytol is great in these situations.

Ok, I have had along concilatory email from him just now.

But there are two things in it I am not happy about and I need your help to construct an assertive but non-confrontational reply please. Also, am I being unreasonable in objecting to these two things? My emotions are very raw and it is difficult to trust them.

"Would it be okay if i do or leave some washing when I am there as I will run out of boxers and shirts etc, by the weekend. Could I then pick this up on Tuesday?"

(I don't want to. I feel that this is the sort of home comforts he has thrown away and no I won't be doing his washing, he can find a launderette.).

"I was planning to tell the boys that you and I have had an argument and that I have been sent away for a while. If you would prefer me to say I am going away on business again, then I will do that."

(I feel this makes it sound like it is all my fault and that 'poor Daddy has been sent away by evil Mummy')

Hmm, he's really struggling with this "NO CONTACT" thing isn't he?

I wouldn't reply (sod his laundry logistics, not your problem) and would give your own explanation to the children. Either way, I woudln't reply.

If you feel you have to reply 1 word will do it

NO !!!

Don't reply. You have already stated - repeatedly! - that you don't want contact so stick to it. He is completely disrespecting you AGAIN by finding pathetic excuses to get your attention.

'Sent away' seriously!! This shows no understanding of what is going on here!!!

Definately no to the washing...he needs to sort his own stuff.

The boys should be told the truth rather than some bullshit version that basically seems to remove any responsibility from him.

Arse.

He expects you to do his laundry? Tell him to get missy perky tits to do it.

The effing cheek of this twat! You are soooooooooo NBU, he on the other hand IS being sooooooooo unreasonable that I could lamp him one!

Not only has he ignored YET AGAIN your perfectly reasonable request to leave you the hell alone whilst you begin process your feelings, he is also asking you to wash his dirty underpants for him to collect at a later date, whilst you do so.

On top of this he is also wanting to tell the boys that you have "sent him away" - aaawwww poor diddums.

I wish I could advise you on what to say or do next, but am so absolutely seething on your behalf that even I can't think straight! So just wanted to let you know that you are right to be annoyed by these two things.

I would also hazard a guess that when you re-read the email again with a cool and impartial head you may find it to be not nearly as conciliatory as you first thought it was. Just the two statements you have highlighted here show how little respect he has for you and that he is really not understanding the magnitude of the consequences of his actions. He things that you just need to calm yourself down dear, then go back to being the good wifey who cleans his pants and shirts.

Colossal twat!

Sorry, but I am flabbergasted!!! Is he fucking joking??!!! He wants you to do his washing??!!!!! Seriously, I cannot believe the gall of that man. Personally, I would tell him to go screw himself.

With regards to the children, I would tell the children yourself, and not leave it to him. He is the person that has let your family down. I cannot believe that he wants to tell them that he has been sent away. Again, he is not accepting that this is all his fault. I would decide what you want to tell the children, tell them yourself, and INFORM him what they have been told.

Why are you so worried about being confrontational???

He is being totally unreasonable.

Tell the boys what you want to tell them.

He really does not get it even remotely - he thinks he goes away for a couple of weeks, then he gets to come back to service as normal. He has not even the smallest grasp that this could be "the end of your relationship". If he can't grasp that then it really has to be, as he will in no way do what he needs to for a successful relationship.

and that is before you even think about whether there is any way you could forgive him.

Get your whore to do your laundry douchebag would be my reply.

And

The boys will be told that you have done something to break mummy's trust and make her very very sad and mummy needs time to forgive you and to try to mend her heart.

I take it all back, don't engage. Honest to god what planet is he on? No to laundry, and absolutely no to telling the dcs you sent him away. Actually, he walked out on you and them. Obviously don't tell them that either. Just grrrrrr on your behalf. He really doesn't get it does he. I actually want to slap him, and I don't even know him.

I need your help to construct an assertive but non-confrontational reply please.

My first answer would be this: "H, Which part of 'Leave Me Alone' did you not fucking well understand? The fact you are ignoring my request to keep away for a while speaks volumes about the amount of respect, love or compassion you have for me. And, no, you may not still use this house to do your washing, those things you took for granted home comforts are unavailable to you now"

But, bearing in mind that you have asked for assertive but non-confrontational reply suggestions, perhaps this: I'm afraid that you bringing your washing here would make me extremely uncomfortable, so I am going to have to say no to that. and I'm surprised you would ask such a thing

As to the other bit about what to tell the children, op, what would you like to tell them?

This e-mail tells you 2 very important things:

1 He is not sorry at all.

A repentant man wouldn't even dream of asking the wife he had betrayed and devastated to demean herself by washing his skiddy pants.

He thinks he is the big man and you belong to him. That it is your job to be his maid, even after what he has done to you.

He is playing the part of contrite husband because he understands this is what must be done when a man is caught out having a mistress.

But he doesn't believe that it is wrong to have a mistress.

He believes that you need to be mollified until you go back to how things were before.

2 He is not above threatening you

That's what the suggestion about what to tell the boys is.

As well as totally confirming what I said above, it is also a threat that if you keep playing hard ball he will tell the boys that the break up of their family home is all your fault.

This is a guy I would be pressing for a favourable settlement while he's still playing the part of the sorry adulterer.

It won't last long.

And it's skin deep.

De-lurking to say wow, the cheek of him asking to do his washing! Er, no.

PAs' reply is perfect, aside from a clear reminder that you have requested to be left alone several times now. You've warned him of the consequences of not doing as asked. This is the last time or divorce proceedings commence forthwith.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve makes a good suggestion.

bugger me he's got some front!