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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

413 replies

Fireplaces · 25/08/2013 20:54

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/08/2013 20:16

TBH I think you need to see that e-mail as a declaration of war.

A war he thinks he can win with fake contrition, but one that he intends to win at all costs.

I think you should go back to your solicitor and get something drawn up.

Then tell him whatever it takes (short of washing his knickers) to make him agree to a decent settlement.

Then tell him to fuck the fuck off.

MadAboutHotChoc · 28/08/2013 20:16

Just read this. What a twat he is and he has the cheek to ask about his laundry - not your problem at all.

Ignore all emails/texts unless it relates to child contact and then it is only to make arrangements - dates/times.

skyeskyeskye · 28/08/2013 20:17

What a stupid prick, Words fail me...

but PAs comment is very good , to the point, and non confrontational

IE - I suggest you find a launderette for your washing. The children will be told the truth, in an age appropriate way. I won't tolerate any more lies.

He seriously needs to understand, that his life as he knew it, is over. You are not there to run around after him any more.

Wellwobbly · 28/08/2013 20:22

Oh, Fireplace. That really says it all doesn't it, quite HOW MUCH these men take wives/their home/the SUPPORT THEY GET so that they can go out there and be Big Swinging Dicks .... completely for granted.

It is also telling you how much he is minimising what he has done. In the Linda J Macdonald book I recommended you, she devotes nearly the entire first chapter explaining to the cheater, how much he needs to understand what he has done.

'The most important quality that an unfaithful spouse needs in order to successfully regain their offended partner's trust, is that the betrayer 'gets it'.

'Getting it' means that straying spouses understand the wrongness of their behaviour and the depth of the pain they have caused their spouses. Rebuilders need to effectively renounce their old behaviour and develop a keen sense of what it must be like to be in their partner's shoes".

Regarding his email, do not reply. With this level of entitlement, all it does is pull you into a slinging match, where you try and get him to get it and he dodges. please believe me on this.

Erm, being a lady wot lunches, aren't you able to find a qualified psychotherapist? Relate people tend to be -ladies of a certain age not very qualified, and there is more to this stuff than a counselling certificate. They might start going on about needs you didn't meet in the marriage, in which case you are in your rights to get up and lamp them-- which is old fashioned and victimises somebody who is already struggling with betrayal.

Original poster
Fireplaces · 28/08/2013 20:24

We are having to have contact about access to the children.

I have just sent an email about finalising times for contact this weekend.

I have added "I suggest you find a launderette for your washing" to the end.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 28/08/2013 20:29

Dear STBXH

No, that doesnt work for me.

You may not still use this house to do your washing, those things you took for granted are unavailable to you now. I am frankly astounded at your cheek of asking me to do your laundry, do you have any self awareness at all?

As for telling the boys that we had an argument and you got "sent away", I am disgusted that you would try in infer that I am in someway to blame for Daddy not being at home. You are not at home because you cheated and lied to us, not just me but them too. They deserve the truth just as much as I do. So the children will be told the truth, in an age appropriate way. I won't tolerate any more lies.

I would like to take this opportunity to explain to you what "no contact" means. It means that other than emails to discuss contact with the children or any real emergencies, you do not contact me. I will contact you when I am ready to talk, and not before. The fact you are ignoring my request to keep away for a while speaks volumes about the amount of respect, love or compassion you have for me.

REgards

e·mer·gen·cy

/iˈmərjənsē/
Noun A serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action. Dirty pants do not come under this definition.

Wellwobbly · 28/08/2013 20:30

His email also shows, sadly, that affairs are not about love. All that guff about love and a future together? A fantasy. Ultimately it was to keep her legs open keep the feelgood coming. Mr Wobbly said clearly: I was not looking for someone to replace you.

What affairs are about, is keeping the benefits of marriage by maintaining a position of advantage over the unknowing wife. Pretending to be monogamous, whilst having a side dish of feelgood. They don't want you to find out and get divorced! The point of affairs IS the secret. The point of affairs IS having your cake and eating it.

So what Mr F needs to experience is a complete LOSS of marriage. No wife, no bedtime stories, no bath unless it is in his own bedsit, no cup of coffee in his favourite chair, no spag bol and sorry Mr F, no clean boxers.

Bogeyface · 28/08/2013 20:30

Too late! Lets hope he gets the message!

Wellwobbly · 28/08/2013 20:31

Bogey, arf!

Original poster
Fireplaces · 28/08/2013 20:33

Erm, being a lady wot lunches, aren't you able to find a qualified psychotherapist? Relate people tend to be -ladies of a certain age-- not very qualified, and there is more to this stuff than a counselling certificate. They might start going on about needs you didn't meet in the marriage, in which case you are in your rights to get up and lamp them which is old fashioned and victimises somebody who is already struggling with betrayal.

Really? I had no idea.I honestly thought they were qualified counsellors who could help me through my grief, and to get my thoughts in some order so that I can see what decisions I need to make?

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/08/2013 20:35

He needs to. Understand the importance of the boys finding out the (age appropriate) truth about what has happened from the two of you in a way you can control for them, rather than the risk they could find out from somewhere else (friends, family, over hearing an argument, seeing a solicitor's letter)

Original poster
Fireplaces · 28/08/2013 20:35

Bogeyface - " Emergency Noun A serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action. Dirty pants do not come under this definition."

You have just made me smile for the first time this whole week.

OP posts:
SweetSeraphim · 28/08/2013 20:35

He's asked you to do his washing??? Tell him to get fucked. What a prick.

Original poster
Fireplaces · 28/08/2013 20:37

I am not doing very well at all this, am I?

He has sort of sucked me back in today. 24 hours ago I was sat on this sofa sobbing very hard and hating the bastard. Now I defending the tone of his emails as quite good for him.

It is so fucking DIFFICULT.

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/08/2013 20:37

Personally, I wouldn't write off 'relate' quite so harshly. Personally didn't find them useful but I would suggest you go along and find out for yourself. If it works, great. If not, don't go back

Original poster
Fireplaces · 28/08/2013 20:38

Should have read, "Now I am defending the tone of his emails as being quite good,for him."

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/08/2013 20:40

I am not doing very well at all this, am I?

Oh my godness, you have no idea just how brilliantly you are doing!!

We've been where you are and know just exactly what you are going through.

Vivacia · 28/08/2013 20:40

The website describes them as "trained professionals".

Scarletohello · 28/08/2013 20:42

I think people are being unfair about Relate, I went there for 3 months this year and my counsellor was supportive, experienced and insightful. However, as with anything, it may depend on the person you get as to helpful you find it.

I would like to reiterate the advice you have been given. Don't give in to demands. The only thing that motivates cheaters is loss. He has lost the right to come and go as he pleases and to ask if he can still use the washing machine is a sign that he hasn't yet realised what he has lost and that, since HE broke the contract of trust between you, that he no longer has the rights and privileges he once had.

Keep setting the boundaries with him. It's the only way for him to come to his senses ( and for you to decide if you really want him back...)

Vivacia · 28/08/2013 20:42

It is so fucking DIFFICULT.

Absolutely. To be honest though, his request for you to sort out his dirty underwear would keep me angry for a fair few days alone.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/08/2013 20:43

The tone of his e-mails is good because it suits him for you to think well of him now.

But despite the contrite TONE, that e-mail he sent you was really about putting you in your place.

Strip out the bullshit about being sorry and you're left with:

Dear Hurt Wife,

Despite the pain I have caused you, you need to be in no doubt at all that I still conceive of you primarily as my maid.

I work hard and earn the money, and while I indulge this little strop of yours about my mistress, I still expect you to service me domestically.

Please also note that I will make sure our children hate you if you don't come around and let me back home very quickly.

Yours in agreement that I am the boss around here,

Unfaithful Husband

Vivacia · 28/08/2013 20:43

Does anyone else get the impression that he thinks a week in the doghouse and it's all back to normal?

comingintomyown · 28/08/2013 20:44

Really ???

The washing thing. I can honestly say in the 3 years I have spent on Relationships I consider that to be the most offensive thing a DH has done in his position. I imagine as only a day or so ago you were doing his laundry this doesnt seem so monumentally bad to you but to me ? I've said it.

I am so so sorry you are going through this I remember my experiences along these lines as the worst in my life

MadAboutHotChoc · 28/08/2013 20:51

I am still gobsmacked - he has massively fucked up by betraying you, his wife and the mother of his DC in the worse possible way by shagging a 23 years old and he still expects YOU to wash his bloody skiddy pants?

There is nothing contrite about this.

Remember its ACTIONS not words that you need to be looking at for signs of true remorse.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/08/2013 20:51

Yes,Vivacia...I don't think he gets how serious this is at all.