Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

[Fireplaces]

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

Just delurking to say you are amazing, Fireplaces! So strong and articulate despite your evdent shock and grief.

Morning fireplaces how are you doing this morning? Are you managing to eat?

Balia that has to be the best message of support I have read thus far on this - and believe you me there is some brilliant advice already posted.

Yes it's amazing how the basic things like eating just don't happen anymore at such moments.

ok must return to lurking... I can't articulate in words or advice what I am feeling reading your thread Fireplaces. wish you the best whatever decisions you take.

Fireplace how awful for you. This was clearly nothing to do with mutual mature intellectual attraction. This looks to have all clearly been an ego boosting affair with a girl young enough to be his daughter. What a total egotistical arse!

You are not a fool, you trusted him and he betrayed that trust. That does not make you a fool. I am not advocating you LB at the moment because I think you need time to think about what's right for you and your children. But I do think you need to start positioning yourself in case you decide this is the end of your marriage. Getting the right legal advice to understand how you protect yourself and your children's assets is very important. I know you have already seen someone however in case you need a second opinion. My friend used Marilyn Stowe (one of the toughest divorce layers in the country. She is also dubbed "the barracuda" for the aggressive way she acts in divorce proceedings - she is good) when she divorced her husband (who is himself a corporate lawyer). Put it this way and how does the phrase go "She took him to the cleaners". Her grounds for divorce were similar to yours, affair with a younger colleague etc.

www.marilynstowe.co.uk/

Not sure if this helps in any way.
But I watched my DMum go from a alpha wonder woman to a shadow of herself after my Fathers affair(s). No Facebook or texts those days but good old fashioned letters I discovered and stupidly handed to her (love letters under blankets in the airing cupboard don't make sense to a child).

She forgave and swallowed the pain and he got away with it.

She won the booby prize -Now he's in his 60's not so high flying (he was a footballer) and probably doesn't cheat because no one wants a shrivelled old thing that lost it all (penniless now - No surprise there).

What he wanted was security a place to come home to - not someone to cherish and love. He knew the lovers would never be there in the end, and so Mum was his future carer, he would have a meal waiting for him, and she would accept the scraps waiting in the wings.

So now she takes care of him, he's penniless, but she works and he lives in her home. My mum never recovered, life for her has few joys.

and non of her children recovered - we all went on to develop co dependency and choose inappropriate partners. I went on to a marriage where I tried to fix someone, tried to be the perfect dad etc.

The decision now is what do YOU want your future to be. your H is no longer in your thinking IMHO.
I know this is hard, but you've gotta find happiness for you and your DC

This is now about YOU.

Morning. Last night was so awful. I didn't get to sleep til 4am and even then it was very fitful.
I am not managing to eat when there are bad revelations as I feel physically sick but know I need to go and try breakfast. I have a stomach upset which I think is related to the stress.
I cannot find this thread when I look in 'relationships'....is it my tired eyes not seeing it or has it been moved?

Fireplaces the thread is still in Relationships. Try and get a little food to keep your energy up. Have you spoken to any of your family/friends? It's not a good time to be one your own.

You can find it by going Threads I'm On

Fireplaces I went through the same, I lost half a stone in a week without even noticing. It was actually the PT instructor at the gym who noticed, and it is largely thanks to him I turned it around. He offered to do some personal training sessions to give me something else to focus on. I had so much fun, boxing is a great stress reliever. He also had me keep a food diary, which sounds tedious, but actually meant I ate properly. I didn't want him reading that my total food intake for the day consisted of chocolate and tea!

So, if you can fit it round the dcs perhaps do something similar. Something you'll enjoy that is just for you. You deserve it.

FWIW I think you are one tough cookie and you'll come out of this happy and sorted. You're not clinging on, which is great. Your DH must be absolutely floored by your reaction. Underestimated you didn't he

I found 'forcing' myself to sit down in front of food and eat impossible. Smoothies are your friend. Or a supplement type drink like Complan. Just carry a bottle around with you and swig when you can. Or a food that you can eat almost mindlessly, like popcorn in front of the telly, so you almost don't notice you're eating it.

How are the DC's?

Fireplaces, I think you are being really strong.

I was once in a long term relationship and DP had an affair, as there were no children involved my situation was far simpler than yours. Incidentally, he went away to think things over and decided to go to OW. in our position that was right as we had grown apart. They are now married with 2 DC and I am linked to them both on linked in, but we are not friends. I am also married and have 3DC.

The only piece of advice I have for you, is listen to what people (here and in RL) have to say, then do what feels right for you and your DC.

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/
legal aid and CAB have suffered from cuts

Yes, I remember thinking I had a stomach upset too. It wasn't't though. I realised I couldn't eat through stress.

Do keep trying, even if it is little and often. It will help you stay strong in an avalanche of emotions

Fireplaces I have sadly experienced this pain too and remember how dark and dreadful I felt when it first happened, I remember going shopping and seeing all of these happy people about, I felt like screaming ?do you know what has just happened to me, my heart is broken?. It came as a total shock, it had been going on for about 18 months, I felt so stupid as I did have suspicions but just dismissed them believing that he wouldn?t do that to me, the pain was indescribable, it felt like my whole life was a lie and as you have said my memories then seemed all false. The rug was literally pulled from underneath me, I didn?t know who I was anymore. I lost lots of weight and actually became quite poorly, so please do as the others have said and force yourself to eat, your DC need to see you eating alongside them. It is very similar to grief what you?re now going through and you will go through all the 5 main stages ? denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then finally acceptance. You will come out of the other side and you will be a much happier and stronger person because of it, I can now honestly say I am glad it all happened, it has taught me a lot and life is much better now than it was before.

Things that I found helped me were having a very strong support network of friends and family to listen to me and to also keep me busy, my main focus was to keep my dignity, so I didn?t get involved in slanging matches, I didn?t contact the OW and I also made the decision very early on not to ask about the ins and outs of their relationship, yes I had lots of questions but in reality knowing the answers to how often they met, where etc. would have only hurt me more, the answers certainly wouldn?t have made me feel better. I did the usual things like have a haircut, buy a new wardrobe, started exercising which all really helped, I need to get my self-worth back. I also had a House of Colours image and colour consultation done, was great to have a bit of pampering and helped to build my confidence back up.

Sorry, I?ve gone on a bit, I just wanted you to know that you?re not alone and you will come out the other side.

Fireplaces can I really confirm that now is not the time to get details.

I remember H's IC said that I would just get re-traumatised which he then used as an excuse to clam up

but she was right. I know stuff about them that only now I am getting to the state of 'meh' that I am finally letting go of.

So just take one thing at a time. Now, it is the trauma of knowing about the betrayal and (ramped up) that she is an idiot 23 year old office junior and (ramped up) they went to hers and hotels.

PLEASE JUST STAY WITH THIS or you will blow your mind. Please believe me on this.

Calmly stay in this moment for this time, ask for the receipts for the hotels and tell him that you want to be paid back, and that little 23 year old needs to send you a cheque for half of it or you will make her life a complete misery. (sorry that is me being evil)

Just caught up with this and I am so sorry.
I too have been there!
I didn't find out properly for 8 months.
It will hurt like mad for a while yet.
I cried buckets and buckets for hours and hours.
But as each day goes by, the pain lessens a little bit more.
I can promise you right now - it will get better. You will be fine.
It won't feel like it right now or next week or next month.
But you will get there.
Keep strong and try to look after yourself.
The only things I could really keep down were sugary tea and soup.
As PP also advised - smoothies.
We are here for you and there are many of us who can tell you that it will get better!
Life without them can be so much better as well.
Take each day at a time.
for you!

Fireplaces - I lost 3 stone in a matter of weeks. I existed on gallons of water, a multivitamin and half a banana or sandwich a day. That wasn't by choice, I simply couldn't eat. I did make myself ill and ended up on antidepressants because I couldn't stop crying and had a 4yo DD to look after.

For the moment, look after yourself and your DC. Try and eat something, just little and often, a biscuit, a jaffa cake, a banana.

The pain is indescribable and I never ever thought that the man I loved, could simply walk out on me with no warning. I never thought he would betray me with EA with OW. The shock, confusion and grief all hit at once and just have to be worked through.

Surround yourself with as much real life support as you can and just take things easy, a day at a time.

I echo those saying that this isn't the end of the world, this won't destroy you. You will be happier one day in the future and have opportunities presented to you that weren't possible whilst in this kind of a relationship.

Right now I think it's absolutely vital to look after yourself with whatever nurture you can provide yourself, no matter how small. Treat yourself as you would treat your adult daughter or best friend in the same situation.
I would also try not to dwell on the other woman or paint her blacker than black. She should be an irrelevance as you deal with your partner.

I also second the advice to see a solicitor, not to make any decisions, but to gather information and facts for when you do come to decision-making.

Vivacia, have you ever experienced the betrayal of an affair? (I so hope you haven't and never do, it is being a member of the club that no one wanted to join).

But you have just sort looked down on someone writhing on the pavement having taken a hand grenade to the gut, and whilst she is writhing on the ground trying to hold everything in and not expire, said 'don't worry, it's only a little scratch!'

Kind of.

So are you just super cool, if so teach me how!

Funny, I didn't read it that way...at all!

WW I have to say I didn't read Vivacia note in the way you may have done. I think she was trying to tell the Op to be kind to herself and remember that in the future things will get better doesn't mean Op will ever forget the pain Maybe I have miss read the note..

Vivacia is right...it does get better, eventually.

I think it depends on how long ago you experienced it? Mine was over 10 years ago, I'm very happy now (as I imagine Vivacia is) so although I remember the pain, it's much duller. I think maybe the phrase 'it's not the end of the world' is the one that could be interpreted as unsympathetic, but I don't think it was meant that way.

Whatever - lets not have a bunfight on fireplace's thread, please.

I'd suggest a day of peace if you possibly can, FP - don't open any email, texts or answer any calls from him. Every time something stressful appears in your brain, just repeat - I'll deal with that after today.

Wobbly, Vivacia's advice is valid. I think you read it wrong.