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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

413 replies

Fireplaces · 25/08/2013 20:54

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

OP posts:
GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 27/08/2013 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fireplaces · 27/08/2013 21:10

OK, I am going to answer some questions:

Vivacia stuff he didn't need from when I churned everything in his cupboard into a suitcase at the weekend.I imagine he's fed up of turfing it around.

Jammee I know he is looking for a new job but not as a result of my discovery. I looked at the computer history and found lots of recent job searches in there.

Vivacia I think he means marriage guidance counsellor. I am not sure.

jammee This is the most contrite sort of emails I have EVER seen from him. I think this is honestly the best he can do. I am astonished they are so contrite and that he is now doing as I ask. I thought he would go bonkers when I said I had told joint friends, but he just said 'ok'.

Chippin I like your replies. Just imagining writing them has given me strength and empowerement.

Wobbly I am interested to see that you can see that he is a high powered executive in the City from his tone,who is used to being in charge. Spot on.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 27/08/2013 21:15

How are you feeling tonight? How are you doing?

Original poster
Fireplaces · 27/08/2013 21:18

While he was actually in such a contrite mood (for him), I decided to ask him some questions about the OW. This is because the "Not Just Friends" book I am reading says it's important at this stage to know some basic truths. So I said in my email that I wanted to know the answers to some basic questions about the OW, and how important it was, and that it was the truth.

Well you could knock me down with a feather, because ten minutes later, through on the email comes a full admission. (in writing, of adultery = happy solicitor Wink).

She is 23 fucking years old. (He is late 40s). She is his junior at work. He has been to her place, or they went to a hotel. But here's the one that has completely floored me. I am soooo fucking mad about this one. IT'S BEEN GOING ON SINCE NOVEMBER.

I am so cross. And I am thinking HOW CAN I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID?WHY DIDN'T I FIND OUT BEFORE? (sorry to shout; I want to get across how these are going through my head so loudly).

aaarrrgggghhhh.

And Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

OP posts:
Cluffyflump · 27/08/2013 21:22

So sorry Fireplaces Sad

No words of wisdom here, just sorry for you.

Jammee · 27/08/2013 21:23

That is terrible, Fire. November! Does this change how you feel; more or less confused about your future now?

Hugs x

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/08/2013 21:25

23!! wow!! that's actually nauseating.

you didn't find out because you trusted your husband and why would you not? After all, that's what he promised in his wedding vows!!!

Jammee · 27/08/2013 21:28

That is such a long time. I feel terrible for you, Fire.

And he spent your family income on hotels? I'd start selling some of his stuff and pocket the proceeds.

Scarletohello · 27/08/2013 21:28

The fact it's been going on so long would really make me doubt his words of contrition. It would still be going on if you hadn't found out and confronted him about it ( as he didn't confess it to you). It sounds like a classic mud life crisis, cake eating affair. So sorry, this must be devastating for you. Am glad you have had such great support on here. Stay strong. X

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/08/2013 21:31

exactly Scarlet... he's into damage limitation. This isn't some one off that he couldn't help ({hmm]). Its systematic, long term planning.

so sorry.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 27/08/2013 21:34

I'm not sending you a hug because I want you to stay ANGRY.

Sadly, it's no suprise. Good to have it all in an email though - mind you, that's only what he's admitting to, there will be more.

What did you reply?

Has he been with the car seats? Did he knock on the door?

(Sometimes writing the emails is catharic and you can leave it until the next day to see if you want to send them or not.)

balia · 27/08/2013 21:42

Oh God, so sorry, fireplaces. Ouch ouch ouch - I remember this as being one of the worst bits - that shifting sands feeling. Suddenly all your memories are not real because the DH that was in them was not the real DH (if that makes sense). And sudden memories will resuface for ages after, when you realise why things happened, or what was really going on. And feeling like a total fool, God yes. Because you trusted someone. Lots of us have been there - at least you were smart enough to work it out. Some woman texted mine on new year's eve, very romantic even graphic stuff - and I STILL believed his BS excuse.

How many people know at his work, do you think?

And you will get through, fireplaces, it gets better.

(And has anyone mentioned STD clinic?)

Ahhhcrap · 27/08/2013 21:49

Been reading through this thread and just wanted to say WOW !! I'm in awe of you Fireplaces.. Well done for remaining the adult in this...

What I will say is he's been a complete twat! But (and I may get slated for this) and whilst it hurts like a fucker (I know I've been there too Hmm ) but him admitting it, and being honest with his answers and not blaming you, even though him telling you may mean you divorce him, is the best way he can be. It will help you even if you decide to call it a day in your marriage.

Original poster
Fireplaces · 27/08/2013 21:49

Chippin Yes car seats are here. He did not knock on the door

balia that shifting sands feeling. Suddenly all your memories are not real because the DH that was in them was not the real DH (if that makes sense). And sudden memories will resuface for ages after, when you realise why things happened, or what was really going on. And feeling like a total fool, God yes

Exactly. I am sitting here sobbing my heart out.Since last NOVEMBER FOR FUCK'S SAKE. How could I be so stupid?How did I not notice? The marriage was bad over that time.Now I know why.

How the fuck he thinks he can make this one alright at the wave of his executive wand I don't know.

I am so upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fireplaces · 27/08/2013 21:51

I have given 13 years of my life to this man and he could do this to me. Since last fucking November. I hate him so much right now. I am crying so hard . How is it possible to hurt like this?

OP posts:
InTheRedCorner · 27/08/2013 21:54

November? All over Christmas Sad and no doubt birthdays and or anniversaries.

I wish I had read that book before I went through it all, there are still things I wish I had done differently.

You must be steaming angry fire.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 27/08/2013 22:02

I wish I had had MN at the time, though, I'm not sure I would have listened Hmm Because 'he was different, he wasn't like that, he wouldn't do that'. Except he wasn't, he was & he did.

He checked out of your marriage a long time ago, that creates a lot of problems. Women often think that marriage problems >>> affair. It's far more often affair >>> marriage problems - no suprise.

It hurts, it hurts so so so much. It makes you feel so shit about them, your relationship and worst of all, yourself.

PedantMarina · 27/08/2013 22:47

If she's a junior, I can almost guarantee his looking for another job has everything to do with this. City firms differ, but overall the industry (finance or legal, btw?) are cracking down on sexual harrassment, which this could well be. Sorry, fireplaces, you already don't know so much about this; I worry that there's more to be discovered.

And to those who would argue that she was saying she loves him, let's all remember how things work on the EA freds. 23 is almost nothing in age and experience. We're already familiar with DH's 'communicaton', it is entirely possible this didn't start out a iwilling mistress.

Not trying to get OW entirely off the hook, just want you to prepare to hear more.(&/or actively go looking for it).

worsestershiresauce · 27/08/2013 23:06

I'm so so sorry Fireplaces. I understand the hurt all too well. It gets better though. It does. You have to believe me on this. It really really does.

What worked for me was to think what the young single me would have done over a shit boyfriend. She would have kicked him into touch and moved on. Once I started thinking like that, I started being happy about my future, stopped pining after him, and felt my confidence and personality returning. I bet you've suppressed those aspects of yourself. It's a great opportunity to be you again. Be you, be free, and let him be miserable. Because he will be right now.

Speak to a lawyer, knowing your options will help you feel calm and safe. You won't be left high and dry, you will get a significant chunk of the assets and maintenance.

Others seem to think it is better not to communicate and perhaps they are right. In my case communication solved a lot of problems, BUT I am also an ex City exec type and my DH has never been able to control me through argument, so he didn't try.

Original poster
Fireplaces · 27/08/2013 23:13

worcestershiresauce I have seen a solicitor and you are bang on saying that it would make me feel calmer and safer. He said I would get a good chunk of the assets too. Which helps ease that worry.

OP posts:
Quiltcover · 27/08/2013 23:17

Bloody hell. I couldn't get over that level of deceit. Sometimes there is just no going back.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 27/08/2013 23:32

So sorry Fire, wishing you continued strength Flowers

antimatter · 27/08/2013 23:34

well done Fireplaces, I am in awe how how eloquently you are dealing with your ex (stbexh?).

I think being able to think straight when you are under such stress shows your strength.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/08/2013 07:31

Hope you are doing ok today. Thanks

FriedSprout · 28/08/2013 08:20

Hi Fireplace, please don't beat yourself up over not noticing! Why should you be on the look out for this kind of behaviour in what you thought was a secure loving marriage. The whole point of marriage is to expect a certain level of trust, not to have to look for/find his kind of behaviour. He broke the rules not you.

Stay strong,