Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

[Fireplaces]

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

He gets how serious it is.

He's the boss. He will decide how serious it is and respond accordingly.

For now he's prepared to play the contrite husband game.

But I reckon the OP has at most another week of him continuing to play it this way.

Fireplaces you are amazing - you really are.

I have been where you are too but I was a complete and utter doormat. We went to counselling (when we shouldn't have) The lady was BACP registered (and very expensive) and my cheating XH promptly told her how awful our marriage was blah blah. I disagreed, as that was not my experience. She then said "if one partner in the marriage says it wasn't good - it wasn't good" I will never ever forget what she said. XH's smugness was nauseating and I felt so small.

Well 4 years later I am so happy. I love being single and my children are very happy too.

You are doing the right thing. He has to understand the enormity of what he has done.

Stay strong

I'm sorry, I can't get angry again tonight.I have literally run out of anger energy today.

But I have taken on board that it is a 100% agreement from you all that the laundry request is competely unacceptable.

And I have read with interest the several comments about him thinking he's just got to stay away for a coupleof weeks and then I will 'come round'. I think that's exactly what he thinks about this. He says how desperately sorry he is and how he wants to make it right, but I can imagine that if I took him back, it would only be a few weeks before he thought he had 'sorted it all out' and that I "should be ok by now". I can even clearly imagine him saying "I said I'm sorry didn't I? What more do you want?".

Hmmmmm.Food for thought.

That's exactly how I read him, Fire.

Yes this is why its crucial to look at his actions - these tell you what you need to know. Its far too easy to say pretty words - and remember that sorry is a verb.

It is fucking difficult. What you are going through now is like the most painful bereavement, don't underestimate it.

With that in mind YOU ARE DOING BLOODY AMAZING. You really are. I did a little airpunch at your laundrette response. Well done.

You will keep this ridiculous request for you to wash his dirty pants (FFS, no words...) in mind, while you go through all the other stuff. In a year, you will drink wine with a good friend and tell her about it and you will convulse with laughter and be not able to breathe, at his sheer fucking cheek, and you will feel better.

I know when people told me I was 'so strong' I had no idea how to respond, I didn't feel strong, but there was not the option of lying down in the road and 'not coping'. Looking back I was strong, but in it I felt like a wreck. I wish I had had mumsnet, take all of your strength from these lovely ladies that can see through his 'quite good for him' emails, which are frankly, rubbish - how DARE he think the children will be told YOU sent him away? HOW FUCKING DARE HE?

Keep posting, it will validate what you think and help you form the words to resist the nonsense that this man will feed you over the coming weeks.

I would like to offer you an unmumsnetty hug should you like one x

Yes he clearly thinks a week in the doghouse will ensure service resumes.

Telling too that whilst you are unable to eat or sleep, and caring for kids, he is having an underpants crisis.

My Relate counsellor is stunningly good, and highly experienced. They do vary, and I happen to know that their level of qualification varies too, so just ask when booking.

Just wanted to say, you are doing so brilliantly. I truly understand the pain you are in, the term 'heart break' actually means something now doesn't it?
I think it is so hard to reconcile the person you thought your husband was to the person who is capable of such utter betrayal.
Having recently been in your shoes (and yet to step out of them) I would say just take your time. I was so desperate not to lose my family I tried to rush back to a semblance of normality. I am now in the situation where I've uncovered more lies and feel humiliated and devastated all over again.
Keep in control and don't be scared of the confrontation - you sound like a wonderful person and are stronger than you think.
Wishing you lots of love xx

there is no way that the children should be told that he has been sent away, because you will be made to look like the bad person and can not have that put upon them by him. you could tell them that he is working away at the moment but will see them at the weekend.

when he collects them, have everything ready at the door and dont let him in and when he returns them dont let him in either. The children need to be kept away from all bad feelings and he should understand that they are the priority and your only concern at the moment.

If he turns up with a bag of washing, just give it back to him.

(Sorry is a verb? What does that mean?).

Well, I went to one session of Relate and poured out my tale of woe as to how my dearly loved husband had told me he didn't love me any more and was being cold and aloof to the point of cruelty.

She clocked him fairly well, and talked to me about how emotionally unavailable people kept people at arms length, chose workaholic (like the City, shift work) jobs, and hobbies to help facilitate this, lived behind unbreachable walls. So she was helpful.

But the real reason? HE WAS FUCKING SOMEONE and was infatuated with her and this was behind his strange disrespectful behaviour. And really, that was the reality I needed to get, in order to deal with my suddenly odd and strange life. So I am 50/50.

If she knew, she should have gently pointed me in the direction of thinking about it. If she didn't know, that rather supports the lack of training point. Look how quickly us jaded Mumsnetters sniff out cheating and have we ever been wrong? It is obvious, when you know the signs, and IMO counsellors should know the signs.

Here is someone else's experience: 'What have other people's experience been of RELATE? In the UK, that is always our first port of call for MC, they are the established experts.

I found them absolutely useless when it came to dealing with infidelity, it was dismissed and the focus was all on what was wrong with the marriage. That is all well and good, but when you have been side swiped and are reeling, you aren't ready for that.

All you can think about is the betrayal and hurt. That was dismissed as insignificant ( which made me feel insignificant) and I had to sit through hours of him telling me all the things I had done wrong, it was abusive and traumatic, it just compounded my trauma and I was completely unable to deal with it. All I did was apologise for my shortcomings, he never did and the counsellor never called him on it, not once.

I found RELATE a truly horrible and abusive experience. What a waste of money! Anyone agree? Or maybe have a different POV?

Have to say I have found many people who agree with me since, everyone I know who goes to RELATE ends up divorced. Kind of speaks for itself doesn't it?

I eventually found an independent counsellor who specialised in infidelity, needless to say WS only went once. Too uncomfortable for him, refused to go again, said he felt judged. It helped me.

RELATE gives them excuses, would not recommend them to anyone.'

If he turns up with a bag of washing, just give it back to him.

I just pictured myself accepting the bag on the doorstep with a "thank you" and then swapping it for the kids a couple of hours later, unopened.

Oh crikey, yes, I meant to add, don't let him in the house. If you are unsure how this will work, ask, please. But he does NOT get to come in. This is really important for your sanity, and for you feeling in control.

You have asked for time and sanctuary and you deserve it. Him tramping in with his big man feet wil not help you one bit, and there is no need for it.

or better still give him all of your washing to do, see how he likes that

Thank you Impulse. I don't feel strong at all, no. But there is no option of not coping, is there? I do find that posting on here is immensely helpful in so many different ways. That email you guys helped me to construct rocked.

I am reading a book called "Not just friends" which I am finding very interesting. It talks a lot about changing emotions etc. At the moment I guess I am actually missing my DH and even feeling sorry for him. The 'me' of last night would want to give the 'me' of tonight agood kick up the arse. But I guess this is all part of it, the changing pendulum of moods, sometimes within one day.

I know it's a terrible cliché, but it really is a roller-coaster. I repeat what I said this morning, just take care of yourself.

And don't cancel your Relate appointment. Give it a try. Don't cut off any source of support.

Impulse "Oh crikey, yes, I meant to add, don't let him in the house. If you are unsure how this will work, ask, please"

How will this work?! I have told him already, (you have seen the email), but his name is also on the deeds.

Wobbly and Vivacia. Two opposing points of view there.I have paid for it already so will go with an open mind.To be honest, it would help me a great deal just to cry and shout etc there, if that's what happens.
If I do not find it helpful, I will take up your suggestion of a private psychotherapist Wobbly. I feel I need someone trained to slowly take me through all of this.

Do you feel guilty about posting about him too? And bad that people think he's a total shit? Like you are betraying him? I felt like that every time I told someone we had split. That is because you are a loyal person, who believed in your marriage vows.

He wasn't so loyal while boffing the 23 year old though was he?

Have no guilt, say what you need to say. You are missing the man you thought you had, not the lying cheating bastard that you did have. Sorry lovely. Get angry again as soon as you can.

"How will this work?! I have told him already, (you have seen the email), but his name is also on the deeds."

Play along with his fake contrition.

Tell him that you can't cope with him being in the house right now and if he is truly sorry he will respect that.

From experience, you keep an eye out at the window, when you see him coming you get the kids shoes on, open the door, do a big 'Daddy is here!', quick kisses, they run out, shut the door.

I'm not saying that's easy. But it's necessary.

I thought the point about Relate and divorce was a bit unfair, as that is not the fault of the counsellor no matter how well trained, but rather the selfish entitlement of the betrayer, who think that they are so splendidly marvellous that a few words ought to do it and wifey should just pipe down, get over it, STFU and get back in the kitchen.

The wife then finds out to her anguish how selfish the person she thought she had a relationship really is, how little he understands and cares for her really, and in 75% of marriages touched by infidelity, it ends.

Well, that is how it has panned out for the Wobblys any way .

(vivacia - sorry is about taking full responsibility, making amends, taking remedial action, showing respect etc).

OP - you will feel angry again soon as well as many other emotions, such an exhausting and horrible rollercoaster ride be kind to yourself x

(I just got stuck thinking, "Sorry isn't a verb, it's an adjective". I get what you mean now).

(I knew what you mean! not grammatically correct but its something I tell the kids when they say sorry without meaning it)