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Original poster

Dp has just given me a complete bombshell

144 replies

jellyjelly · 17/06/2006 00:24

We have been together for almost 5 yrs and have a lovely 3.5 yr onld, we are due to be married in a couple of weeks and it has always been both of our intentions to try for another on honeymoon as carry on having kids. Have wanted another one since ds was a baby but was always told to wait till the honeymoon. He has now come out with 'i dont want any more and never have' I have always wanted lots since i met him. He said a week ago that we couldnt afford another one because of my work.

I have asked him lots of questions and he has done nothing to comfort me at all asn i am sitting here writting with tears streaming down my face as i am so upset. He has kept me waiting for yrs and now this. He said it isnt due to the wedding being so close but that he wanted to keep me happy so went along with this.

He was happy for me to start taking vits and come off the coil but now feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
Toothache · 17/06/2006 00:30

jellyjelly - thats just the wedding/committment/money jitters!!!!!

You could be pg already if you've had the coil removed so he can't be THAT against it if he's had sex with you since then????

Call his bluff.... tell him you want him to have a vasectomy if he's serious!

Don't get upset and don't let it spoil your wedding. Honestly men are theeeeee single most tactless things on the planet! Smile Maybe just put off the trying bit for a wee while after the wedding.

Original poster
jellyjelly · 17/06/2006 00:32

We have been having rows for ages about lack of respect on his part, it isnt the jitters he has said he has always felt like it. We have been very careful since.

OP posts:
Original poster
jellyjelly · 17/06/2006 00:32

by what he has said he never wants anymore.

OP posts:
threebob · 17/06/2006 00:37

Do you want to marry this man with these conditions, or is it a deal breaker?

Toothache · 17/06/2006 00:40

But you do. How old are you both? I'm 28 and have 2 kids, H and I are in the process of splitting.... but not about kids.

However, I ALWAYS said that I wanted another baby, he said he didn't. If he knows how important it is to you then he must realise that it isn't something that will just go away. Is there any reason why it has to be a honeymoon baby?

He is HIGHLY likely to change his mind when things have settled down after the wedding. If you haven't been getting along for a while he's probably just scared another baby will be the final nail in the coffin. When the relationship is stronger then thats the time to think about another baby...... unless time is running out for you age-wise to have another.

Honestly, don't let this spoil your wedding. It is one of THEEEEE most stressful things ever!

Original poster
jellyjelly · 17/06/2006 00:46

I think it might be the deal breaker i cant imagine not having more and he says he ownt change his mind.

I am 28 next week and he is 36 so no not very old but we always discussed that we would try after the wedding and not before because of the wedding which was why it was going to be after and now that time has come.

Cant stop crying, have to get up for a dress fitting in a few hours and really unsure now what to do.

OP posts:
Toothache · 17/06/2006 00:50

He's says right now he won't change his mind though!

Wedding/marriage/money = MASSIVE STRESS! especially for men who think they can't provide. Is this really enough for you to NOT marry him? And if it is.... is he happy for you not to marry him because of this?

Toothache · 17/06/2006 00:52

Might I just add that I KNEW I could/can never rule out having another baby.... and H knew that.... It was nothing to do with out split (my decision).
If he had said categorically that he didn't want any more and he was having a vasectomy.... I probably would have left him sooner!

Original poster
jellyjelly · 17/06/2006 00:56

Havent discussed not marrying him because of it because we only spoke of this tonight and i was so upset that i had to come downstairs as i ws lying there crying and he was doing nothing.

We have always rowed abotu him coming in very late from the pub ie expecting him at 7 and he rolls in at 3am (the other night) tonight he went to the pub and got back at 1115 he doesnt seem to tell me when he will be back he just expects me to know where he is or i have to call so our boy can say goodnoight 0 tonight he said 'daddy you are late home' if the weddign wasnt so close i would maybe cancel, I adore him so much and love the arse off but not sure if he respects/shows considerations and thinks of us. Big lier about lots of little things.

OP posts:
Original poster
jellyjelly · 17/06/2006 01:07

Just heard movement so not sure if he is going to come down or even that i am not in the bed.

OP posts:
chubbleigh · 17/06/2006 01:11

I think this could be serious, you agreed to marry him on the promise of a future that is not now going to be delivered. What is all this lack of respect stuff? Do you think that you could be marrying someone who could ride rough over your opinions and feeling on other issues? Money, jobs, where you live, your choice of friends? Sorry to be on a downer but have just come out of a relationship with a someone who was fine as long as I did what he wanted and the longer we were together the worse it got.

I feel so sad for you that you have to go and have a fitting for a wedding dress with all of this swirling around in your head? Why did he wait so long to tell you all of this?
Again, sorry to be on a downer but this one has got warning lights on it for me.

Original poster
jellyjelly · 17/06/2006 01:11

no joy, any other thoughts from anyone? Really dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
jellyjelly · 17/06/2006 01:20

I apprecaite all thought so please dont apologise on the outside there is no doubt he loves both of us but just doesnt show it.

The lack of respect stuff is thati never know where he is )always the pub expect him ata certain time but never comes in, dont know where i stand half the time.

I dont have many friends to discuss this with.

OP posts:
chubbleigh · 17/06/2006 01:24

Just read you latest post about the pub etc. More warning signs... He sounds to me like a man who is relying on getting his own way.

Original poster
jellyjelly · 17/06/2006 01:27

I didnt know if he was trying to get told off so he could say i dont want to marry you.

I never get to go out but he pisses all the money up the wall, starting to feel bitter now.

OP posts:
chubbleigh · 17/06/2006 01:46

Only you can decide what is the best path for you to follow. It just gives me a chill reading about someone potentially on the same road I took, 10 years into a relationship with a man with a drink problem and a stinking attitude and temper... oh but I did love him and it started so well but the signs were always there... if I knew then what I know now and all those other cliches. If you are going to marry a man like that you have got to know you can really stand up to him and not make one compromise after another.

God, I can't believe I am saying this to a soon to be bride, I sound so jaded... I am not really, I still believe in love, just definately not with the wrong person.

threebob · 17/06/2006 02:06

Why would you want to have another child with a man who goes to the pub and rolls in when he feels like it.

Come to think of it - why would you want to marry him.

vickiyumyum · 17/06/2006 02:45

tb- i was thinking the same thing! i would have abig sit down chat with him and find out all that is going on his head, men never just come out with it, it has to be forced out of them.
my dh said he didn't want anymore kids after ds2 but never used contraception, and i told him as i wanted another one i wasn't going to take the pill/coil fitted etc, but he still carried on, and now we have dd who is 13 weeks old! we had huge rows about it to begin with but after a while he was fine, accepted that i ddin't do it 'on purpose' and never tricked him as i had always been upfront about not using anything , and obviously he realised if he didn't want anymore then he should have been more proactive on that front, and he now adores dd and says he wouldn't change anything for the world!
i really do think that they don't know what it is that they want until it is right there in front of them (not all men i have to admit), but i would def sit down and have abig chat about teh wedding, babies, feelings. is it really that important to be married? i only ask because for some men that commitment can be one step too far (and for some women too)and just ebcause they don't want to get married doesn't mean they love you any less.

Original poster
jellyjelly · 17/06/2006 02:50

hE HAS BEEN having an affair i saw a message on a open phone and it confirmed i, woke him up and its true. Weddign over just left to tell people.

Text said

I do too baby and will make upo for it when i get back. You dont have to go through with it.

Or something like that and another out message that said
lumunuwu
whihc was our code for loveyoumissuneeduwantu.

Feel sick now.

OP posts:
vickiyumyum · 17/06/2006 02:55

omg! dump him!!!

pepperpots · 17/06/2006 02:59

Oh hun just been reading and couldnt not posr. You need to find yourself first then think think about men. Believe me i have been in your position and self respect is worth a lot

Original poster
jellyjelly · 17/06/2006 03:47

I feel shitty i really do dont know what to do know wedding is 2 weeks today he said he tried to finish it but didnt, he doesnt know how they got together they just did, not sure ho long and nothing below the belt. Have to tell people tomoorrow not to come to the wedding which will be hard, not wanting to be single and he is not saying much only that he wasnt going to leaveme and not tell me but he was stupid know that he was calling her at 704 when i was in bed so must have called her from the station.. Feel sick not sure what else to feel he know the grass isnt greener but text from her implies thathe was going to leave but cant get that from him. cant belive that i am not goin to wear my dress or him see me in it or that he isnt saying much at all. Guess i can stop taking the vits.

OP posts:
heavenis · 17/06/2006 04:59

Poor you,what a horrible thing to happen just before the wedding.
How is your relationship with your mum and dad ?
What do you mean nothing below the belt ?

intergalacticwalrus · 17/06/2006 07:23

Oh shit jellyjelly. Have you got someone that you can call? Can you not get someone to help you with the ringing round etc? Is there someone you can get to come and sty with you for a couple of nights? You really need some support right now.

Mytwopenceworth · 17/06/2006 07:28

I am so so sorry for you. I know thisprobably isn't what you want to hear right now, but you will look back on this and say thank GOD I discovered this before we married, and thank god we never brought a second child into this. Obviously this now fully explains why he didnt want another child with you.

He's a coward. Plainly he wanted to back out (text from woman saying to him you don't have to go thru with it makes that clear) but wasn't man enough to be straight with you.

You deserve so much better than that. Whereabouts are you? Can anyone help with anything?