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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp has just given me a complete bombshell

144 replies

jellyjelly · 17/06/2006 00:24

We have been together for almost 5 yrs and have a lovely 3.5 yr onld, we are due to be married in a couple of weeks and it has always been both of our intentions to try for another on honeymoon as carry on having kids. Have wanted another one since ds was a baby but was always told to wait till the honeymoon. He has now come out with 'i dont want any more and never have' I have always wanted lots since i met him. He said a week ago that we couldnt afford another one because of my work.

I have asked him lots of questions and he has done nothing to comfort me at all asn i am sitting here writting with tears streaming down my face as i am so upset. He has kept me waiting for yrs and now this. He said it isnt due to the wedding being so close but that he wanted to keep me happy so went along with this.

He was happy for me to start taking vits and come off the coil but now feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
vitomum · 18/06/2006 11:54

sorry you ar going through all this jellyjelly. Just another thought to add. Has he lawys spent so much time in the pub? if so i would suggest he also has a problem with alcohol. I had an ex who was never out the pub - he could go 'for one' and not come back for 2 days! I didn't think at that time he culd be an alcoholic as all his drinking was done socially, never in the house. I eventually came to terms with the fact that he had a massive drink problem - i got out. Just wondered if this rings any bells for you ? (that was 10 years ago for me now and i believe he is still drinking - i dread to think what the lasdt ten years would have been like if i was still with him). I wish you well xxx

vitomum · 18/06/2006 11:55

sorry for typos - always spent and could not culd (amongst others)

looneytune · 18/06/2006 12:06

Jelly, just replied to email but realise he is probably there now?!

Have you called xxx about not working for few days? Hope so!

Tomorrow morning - Go to the Dr's, explain what's happened and get some kind of sick note to pass on to insurers - you have got insurance for the honeymoon haven't you? Presume so as it cost so much. DO THIS, it's worth a try :)

Let me know how you get on the with xdp!

Take Care xxx

Original poster
jellyjelly · 18/06/2006 12:19

I didnt get travel insurance yet. have wedding insurance but not sure what that covers he is not here yet due 18 mintues ago.

We were always big drinkers when we got together i dont know because i need to be around for ds.

Looney - yes i called and she was great said how much time off do i need i said 2/3 days and she is coming uptomorrow.

Have make up and lpstick on now and have cancelled more stuff.

Waht is everyones thougths about him meeting her to talk in the hotel room.?

OP posts:
Carmenere · 18/06/2006 12:39

Jelly I think I can speak for everyone when I say that our thoughts on him meeting her in hotelroom are that he was meeting her for a shag not a talk and that he is a total lowlife wanker. Sorry to be blunt but you need to hear this.
(And sorry if other mnetters don't think so)

catsmother · 18/06/2006 12:50

Yep ... I agree with Carnmere.

My ex cheated on me ... and I found a hotel key, on its fob, in his pocket ..... they went there during his lunch hour can you believe. And he too tried to tell me that "nothing" happened "except" kissing ..... well, of course that's okay then isn't it.

Of course he was shagging and I expect yours was too. There are 1001 places where you can genuinely talk, and to be frank, even if he was "just" talking, IMO, that would still be an emotional betrayal given that he seems to have been more honest with this slag than with you.

He is a total lowlife wanker, like my ex was too ..... immature and cowardly, not only for doing this to you but for thinking that he could do this without affecting his child.

looneytune · 18/06/2006 12:58

jellyjelly, I'm really sorry to say I completely agree with this too :( Like Carmenere said, I think you NEED to hear this.

Have you looked at wedding insurance stuff to see what's covered? I can't remember if they only cover for certain reasons for marriage not going ahead - you need to check. Claim for EVERYTHING you are able to! You are going to need every penny mate!

Pleased you spoke to her about not working, I knew she'd understand once you explained :)

Original poster
jellyjelly · 18/06/2006 13:55

Jsut found out that she used to be a fuck buddu 10 yrs ago but he said nothing had every happened.

I gave him the digned letter i got from his fav football club and a football garter which i got made just for him.

He said i was too calm and acting wierd (I told him i was having my reading festival ticket which is our anniversary time, we alwasy used to go and that he was sellign it or coming on the honeymoon)but then i would as i have slept for about 6 hrs in 48 but lots loads of wight in this week the lightest i have been since i had my son.

He liked my hair and said i look pretty like when we first met.

He knew she was coming to barcellona but didnt think she would follow through, he got a text then met her. I asked if i needed to be 'checked' out but he said no. He rolled his eyes when i sadi i could be pregnant and didnt remember the 'its not mine' comment

He cant commit to seeing our son how long and when till he know where he is living yet. Not here. He doesnt know what he means to her but it isnt over yet.

His phone is still pinn'ed but her phone is turned off as she is getting hassell- never could spell that word.

xp is in the shower, dont know why i said that.

How can i meet other lone parents does anyone know - looney can you help? you were great finding me stuff as i am rubbish at things like this.]

I still feel like he has just gone out, i cried alot and he comforted me and put after sun on me as i burnt lots yesterday.

OP posts:
Original poster
jellyjelly · 18/06/2006 13:56

i KNWO IT DOESNT COVER against change of heart.

And yes i feel a bit blinkered that i cant see some things that others will think about.

OP posts:
Blackduck · 18/06/2006 14:03

JJ get this man out of your house and out of your life. Don't let him mess you around, he can't decide - you decide for him - he wants to have his cake and eat it. You are worth more - hang on to that fact.

coggy · 18/06/2006 14:08

Jelly Jelly..so sorry that you are having to deal with this Sad
X

catsmother · 18/06/2006 14:25

Sweetheart, I am sorry to be harsh but for your own peace of mind, please get yourself checked out.

I had to.

The fact he's cheated is reason enough, and risk enough ..... that risk doesn't disappear by him saying you don't "need" to.

Carmenere · 18/06/2006 14:39

At least he's been straight that it isn't over with her. Do get yourself checked, why would you believe him, he is a proven liar and doesn't have your best interests at heart.

chubbleigh · 18/06/2006 14:46

Jellyjelly, I went to bed the other night before your bombshell but at the time was thinking from the things you said that he might not be the man for you anyway, truthfully don't think you would have had a very nice life with him. He sounds weak and destructive and he took advantage of your good nature and the fact that you love(d) him, terrible, disasterous husband material. I know the feeling of desperation and dissappointment and shock, sitting and thinking 'this is not the life I had planned for myself' and so do lots and lots of other women. All I can say to that is I am still here and I am happy, I've got my lovely boy and we take care of each other. There are lots of other MNers who will tall you the same thing... what doesn't destroy you can only make you stronger

heavenis · 18/06/2006 19:20

Sorry for not replying earlier. My dh went to the GP explained the situation and the doctor gave him a sick note which said Nervous Dibility.
Did you not take out travel insurance when you booket the honey moon,as usually they don't let you book without seeing your insurance details.

Original poster
jellyjelly · 18/06/2006 19:35

No nto sure why but didnt and it was such along time ago, lots of other things happened then broke my legin a very nasty accident which meant that the weddign might be off but now is for other reasons and couldnt buy it then.

Do they often allow you to change destinations.?

OP posts:
fattiemumma · 18/06/2006 22:42

this is not a man its a sneaky slimey rat who deserves nothing more than your pity.

any woman who feels it accetable to sleep with another womans husband is welcome to him.

you have a beautifull child who will grow to know what a fantastic strong woman mummy is. you have had a lucky escape...imagine what would have happened if you hadn't found that text!

stay strong and concentrate on you. forget the wedding....lethim sort it out. its his fault its cancelled

Original poster
jellyjelly · 19/06/2006 06:30

Have cancelled almost everything and trying to get some money back. She has told her husband and he called my x and said he is welcome to her so it looks like he will live with her now. Dreamt he was planning a baby with her. That really upset me. Her x wants my telephone number.

ds thinks daddy s trying t find a new mummy for him.

OP posts:
heavenis · 19/06/2006 07:08

Your poor ds. Sad

Original poster
jellyjelly · 19/06/2006 07:47

I dont know how to handle the why, why is daddy in the pub, who with,who is this new mummy.

OP posts:
HenniPenni · 19/06/2006 09:23

Please explain it to him gently, jellyjelly,I grew up with a bitter distorted image of my dad (who did very similar to your xp) and having kids of my own I now know that it would have been better keeping it neutral so that I could make up my own mind. i am not on any way condoning what he has done but you need to make it as easy as possible for your son.

Blackduck · 19/06/2006 09:25

Don't give her X your number - don't get any further involved in this mess than you have to...

madamechocolat · 19/06/2006 09:41

Oh Jelly Sad hang on in there. We are all thinking of you. x

Original poster
jellyjelly · 19/06/2006 13:48

i AM starting to see the positives in the situation went to cab who spent 2 hours seeing me and talking about beenfits.

I shouldnt have changed the locks at all but didnt know.

He doesnt have to provide alot at all for us, i am going to have to see our house and move into rented accom and spend all the equity on rent as i have to do something for it.

I cant do anything about the honeymoon if i knew one day beforei could have done anything to it now only name change.

OP posts:
looneytune · 19/06/2006 14:12

Oh mate, so sorry about this. Can't believe he doesn't have to provide much - is this because you're not married yet? Doesn't make sense! Has he not said he'll give something? Can't believe you have to sell :(

How come you could have done more re: honeymoon if one day earlier?