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Original poster

i am unreasonably jealous of DD relationship with her boyfriends mum

112 replies

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/08/2013 21:25

i know this probably isnt reasonable or rational.

DD is just 16. She has had a boyfriend for 18 months - he is lovely and i really think they are a great match.

She goes to his house a couple of times a week and he comes here.

thing is somthing she said today really tugged at my heart strings.
i am in the process of buying her a double bed and redecorating her room - because she wanted it. She gets £50 a month allowance. I think we have a good relationship.
today she went to see her boyfriends mum for an hour and a half even though BF wasnt home.
she said they were chatting.
i asked her if she could talk to her more easily than me
and here is where the knife went in.,,,,,she said yes.

i feel i should think myself lucky that she has someone else to talk to - but i am hurt.
next week i am taking her for a spa break, including lots of treats and pampering, an over night stay, etc.

i feel like i have had a smack in the teeth.

she thinks i am embarassing because i drink wine and i have rats as pets - she says im weird.
if i stop to think about what she said i feel like i could cry.
i have given over my entire life to my kids - only beginning a career when i was 38 and they were well into their teens.

im hurt. when she said it i couldnt help saying "well tell her to take you for a spa break next week then"....i felt immediately stupid but it just came out.
DH gave me The Look.

is this normal? am i so embarrassing and terrible that she has to seek out another adult to confide in?
ive always tried to be really open with her - i bought her alcohol for her prom party because i trusted her 100% not to get drunk - and she didnt.
i thought she could come to me for anything.....that she cant is a shock. that she would choose to go to someone she has known only for 18 months is hurtful.

am i just being stupid and precious? i feel taken for granted.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 21/08/2013 21:26

i should add that her boyfriend still blushes if i say "hi" to him.....i cant imagine him having that kind of relationship with me....

OP posts:
OldRoan · 21/08/2013 21:47

I don't think you are being stupid and precious. My DP's mum is lovely, and when I was away on a year out at uni she would send me little cards and letters saying she hoped I was having fun. My mum was helping me move back at the end of the year, found my box of letters and said "I didn't send you these, did I?" and looked crushed when I told her - but I pointed out I spoke to her on the phone almost daily, so it was totally different and just looked worse than it was.

I'm really close to my mum, but I still talk to DP's mum about certain things because, and this sounds stupid, I feel she'll be more honest. When I was a teenager, the thought process was pretty much "my mum has to love me, because she's my mum, but his mum doesn't so if she says something nice, it must be true." It's silly logic, but at the time it made so much sense.

Equally, my mum always says she doesn't mind if I am grumpy and horrid because she knows it's because I love her enough to show her exactly who I am, and I'm not on my best behaviour. Could it be similar with your DD? She can feel more validated by her boyfriend's mum because she is a bit more removed from the situation, but the pressure of being 'on show' means that when she comes home she is more moody/short tempered?

For what it's worth, you sound like a lovely mum and your DD is lucky you love her enough to worry about this Smile

Lottiedoubtie · 21/08/2013 21:51

Totally normal behaviour for a sixteen year old- it's ok that she shares things with this other women. It doesn't stop you being her mum and she'll come back to you as she gets over.

Don't sweat this one.
As rebellions go this is a pretty good one! Wink

MumOfTheMoos · 21/08/2013 21:54

I wouldn't take it as a reflection on you; I can Maine that it is easier as a teenager to talk to someone Estes mum than your own. Remember the teen years are meant to be the time when children start to pull away, even if they then later ping back!

It's something she needs to do, not a reflection on her love for you.

MumOfTheMoos · 21/08/2013 21:56

So, that should read 'I can imagine'

RhondaJean · 21/08/2013 21:56

I think sometimes it is easier to talk to someone who isn't your mum though. Get another perspective on life, and you should be really proud, you have created a young woman who can have an adult friendship with someone else.

I know it hurts, we all miss the days when we were their entire world don't we?

lottieandmia · 21/08/2013 21:56

Sad poor you Vicar - of course you feel hurt - that is totally, totally understandable and I would feel exactly the same as you! She probably doesn't realise how much this hurt you though, and I'll bet in the long run you'll always be closer to her. At 16 she's not an adult yet.

JackyDanny · 21/08/2013 22:02

Oh dear.

Try and think of it as another person to love your DD,
you can't have too many.

It's a secure person who can transfer their love to other people in this way.
You did that!
Be chuffed.

Ruralninja · 21/08/2013 22:04

maybe you could say to her how proud you are that she is forging more adult relationships - if she feels you are in her side & not threatened, she is more likely to keep communication going between you. Try not to over-think this one, she is only 16 & finding her adult identity

JackyDanny · 21/08/2013 22:05

That DD is secure I mean.
You have her that security.

JackyDanny · 21/08/2013 22:05

Gave.
FFS!

TempName365 · 21/08/2013 22:10

Aww, Vicar.

Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who isn't a family member, who doesn't know all your past tantrums and triumphs, who you can just be the "today" person with, especially as a young adult.

It's not about you and DD's relationship, promise Thanks

ArtemisFoul · 21/08/2013 22:11

Oh I want to come and give you a big hug.

Let's face it most 16 year old girls are often lacking in tact and thought. I definitely thought many people were cooler or more in tune with me than my own Mum at that age. Let's face it at 16 no one thinks their parents know understand anything and they're sooo unfair . Didn't change that the fact that I loved her best and needed her the most! When things weren't going right or I was sad she was who I always wanted and I still do now. Always her never Z who understood me so well in my teenage drama moments.

That she can say so flippantly that she gets on with Z so well is a positive. She is able to be a thoughtless teenager without worrying that you won't love her anymore. She is secure in your relationship so can play up and say things knowing you'll always love her regardless.

The only thing I'll say on top is to focus on you for a bit. You've given so much over to your children that it is easy to forget you're important too. Build up your life as you and not just a wife or a mother. You deserve it and will feel more positive about yourself when these moments happen.

Smartiepants79 · 21/08/2013 22:15

I would be very hurt too.
I can sort of appreciate her finding it easier to talk to someone else about certain things but the personal comments about you are unkind.
I would never have dreamed of speaking to my mother like that. I respected her too much. Still do.
Is this really considered normal for a 16 yr old?
I would find a quiet time with her to try to explain how hurtful it is to hear your own Daughter thinks your weird.
Keep it calm and non-accusatory, don't mention the other mother.
She may only be 16 but she should be old enough to appreciate when she has hurt someone's feelings.

PeppermintPasty · 21/08/2013 22:16

Vicar, I'm going to say that I think you should chill out a bit.
My view of you from your often wise posts is that you're pretty level headed and pragmatic. This is very close, so it stings, of course it does, but you're her MUM ffs, it goes with the territory!

I do think you genuinely sound very jealous. You know that if it carries on you risk putting distance between you. Be proud that you raised a sociable, convivial and open human being.

And stop with the knee jerk remarks! I would've given you The Look too Wink

pigsDOfly · 21/08/2013 22:20

I can understand why you feel hurt OP but for your DD it's probably more about the novelty of becoming friends with another grown woman than a reflection on you or your relationship.

Bear in mind that if she is taking you for granted she can do so because she's confident in your love. And clearly she feels she can be honest with you.

It sounds as though you've laid the foundations for a good relationship. She's 16, when she grows up she'll no doubt appreciate that.

FWIW my daughter would have adored you for having rats as pets.

Enjoy your spa day together

ivykaty44 · 21/08/2013 22:24

Oh I would so wanted to have said the same about the spa trip. My 16 year old dd1 was always getting on better with other people and yes it hurt.

But you know what those other people from when she was 16 - where are they now she is 21? Not around but guess what - I am and we do have a good time together and she brought me a lovely present today (its my birthday) and she wrote lovely words in my card.

Vicar you will still be around and she will know how wonderful you are and the best mum.

its just that at 16 they have no idea what they are saying and diplomacy is way way of their radar - please don't take it personel

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 21/08/2013 22:28

Thank you all. - I know deep down that I'm being a bit silly - and we do have a great relationship - it s just that she doesn't confide anything to me.... She always thinks she knows what my reaction will be when in fact she doesn't. - she likes to think the worse of me because I'm just so embarrassing and won't understand.... I've tried to talk to her about sexual relationships and the pill etc but she just finds it all too excruciatingly embarrassing.... I am immensely proud of her, she is as sensible as she is beautiful, I just can't help feeling hurt. I feel so silly bit I do so much for her.... And she has forged this relationship so quickly and firmly. - I've tried really hard with her bf - we take him on days out, meals out - I would even take him on holiday next year if he wants to come - and yet the most he can manage with me is saying Hi and blushing for England! He is lovely but always very guarded and polite.... I know that my dd can go to his mum - for eg - he wasn't going to go see her at her prom night.... So dd for together with his mum who gave him a kick up the backside! She really likes dd and I'm glad - because I think her boy is lovely, they make such a sweet couple, and they are both sensible, hardworking kids..... I just wish dd could feel able to talk to me like she can his mum.... She has no idea this has hurt me. I said something at the time but just made myself feel worse when she stated going on about my rats and how embarrassing I am. I felt like saying well shove your embarrassment and get se other mug to take you to the spa then... I'm 41. I llok after myself, I'm fit and active, I have my hair done mark hill salon and wear make up - and I'm a sucker for stray animals. Rats included. (Pet ones! ) I just feel like she is saying I'm not good enough.... It's stupid and I l ow that but the green eyes monster in me is hurt. I am trying to be rational.... I've said nothing else about it to her....

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 21/08/2013 22:35

Excuse typos .... Am on phone - auto correct is pita....

OP posts:
nkf · 21/08/2013 22:36

She loves you. You're her mum. She is so close to you that she feels it's okay to grumble about your pets. You embarrass her because she's finding her place in the world and you feel almost like an extension of her.

Bet it hurt though. But this other woman is a novelty. She might become a good friend and so on, but it is so normal to bond with a woman who isn't your mother. That's kind of the role of aunts I think.

whitesugar · 21/08/2013 22:40

I just asked my DD aged 16 if she could talk about certain things to friends' mums easier than me and she said a resounding yes! She didn't even hesitate. I don't think you need to worry.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 21/08/2013 22:41

And the thing is - I would
Never want to take that away from her - part of me is glad because we do not have any family.
Maybe this is why it feels so odd - I do t know.... It s not that I do t want her to have a great relationship with his mum.... I just didn't expect her to have a BETTER relationship with her....

OP posts:
whitesugar · 21/08/2013 22:44

P.s. both my teenagers go mental when I talk to them about sex and call me a freak. I carry on regardless.

whitesugar · 21/08/2013 22:52

She doesn't have a better relationship with her just a different relationship. No one will ever come close to you. I have read your posts you are an amazing mum and a great example to me when my two kick off.

Original poster
ThatVikRinA22 · 21/08/2013 23:12

right now she is being a bit of a brat.
i posted a pic on fb - one of my boy rats had got onto a shelf, curled up, and gone to sleep. he looked cute and i posted a pic.

she has gone mad with me - shouting "oh no - you havent - people can SEE!!"
ive told her to bloody defriend me if im so embarassing and pointed out that the only people who can see my pics on FB are friends who have deigned to keep me as friends - rats or no rats.
im quite pissed off.
my rats are rescues - 7 of the 9 were rescued. i like animals. all animals. we have dogs and cats and she has a hamster.

but im weird. rats are weird. apparently. and so what if they are. ive told her to accept me for who i am or sod off.....

im so cross!!!!

OP posts: