i am unreasonably jealous of DD relationship with her boyfriends mum

[ThatVikRinA22]

i know this probably isnt reasonable or rational.

DD is just 16. She has had a boyfriend for 18 months - he is lovely and i really think they are a great match.

She goes to his house a couple of times a week and he comes here.

thing is somthing she said today really tugged at my heart strings.
i am in the process of buying her a double bed and redecorating her room - because she wanted it. She gets £50 a month allowance. I think we have a good relationship.
today she went to see her boyfriends mum for an hour and a half even though BF wasnt home.
she said they were chatting.
i asked her if she could talk to her more easily than me
and here is where the knife went in.,,,,,she said yes.

i feel i should think myself lucky that she has someone else to talk to - but i am hurt.
next week i am taking her for a spa break, including lots of treats and pampering, an over night stay, etc.

i feel like i have had a smack in the teeth.

she thinks i am embarassing because i drink wine and i have rats as pets - she says im weird.
if i stop to think about what she said i feel like i could cry.
i have given over my entire life to my kids - only beginning a career when i was 38 and they were well into their teens.

im hurt. when she said it i couldnt help saying "well tell her to take you for a spa break next week then"....i felt immediately stupid but it just came out.
DH gave me The Look.

is this normal? am i so embarrassing and terrible that she has to seek out another adult to confide in?
ive always tried to be really open with her - i bought her alcohol for her prom party because i trusted her 100% not to get drunk - and she didnt.
i thought she could come to me for anything.....that she cant is a shock. that she would choose to go to someone she has known only for 18 months is hurtful.

am i just being stupid and precious? i feel taken for granted.

she forgets that tomorrow i have taken a days annual leave to take her for her GCSE results.

i feel taken for granted. im not too embarrassing to be taxi clearly.

LOL! Good luck tomorrow. I will be doing the same. Teenagers are a pack of mercenary little shits.

Vicar, chill!

You know what would be worse? If her dp's Mum were one of those nasty women who thinks no-one is good enough for her boy and looked down her nose at your dd.

When I was 16, I thought my mum was so uncool. I think because I knew her inside out and if something is really familiar, it's not going to be cool.
And then there's the novelty of a relationship with a new person, who does things a little differently. For a while I thought MIL was great, when dh introduced me to her first. I thought she seemed very wise and liked the way they had proper conversations at dinner instead of just joking about like we did at home. But as time went on, the "wisdom" changed to dogma and the interesting conversations became unreasonable tirades and I soon realised that no-one at the table was allowed to disagree with MIL.

My own Mum became far more cool in my eyes then!

Sorry you are down about this but you do need to get some perspective here and stop making this a competition. You know that teenagers find it really important to fit in with their crowd and are easily embarrassed by difference. Keeping rats is "different". In a few years, maybe less, hopefully she will appreciate how you do what you think is right and don't follow the crowd. Don't snipe and sulk at her, remember, she would find your photos embarrassing whether or not she was friendly with her boyfriend's Mum, they are two separate issues, don't conflate them. It sounds like you've done a great job so far, don't fall now at this difficult hurdle, she needs to separate from you but she won't stop loving you.

The fact she's 16 and probably stressing about her exam results would account for some of her behaviour I'd imagine, but I think it's totally understandable that you feel hurt about the situation.

What struck me from your post is that you mention not having any extended family?

My DD is 9 and over the last 3 years or so my mum has told me several things that DD has confided in her. It really pisses me off hurts when DD does this (and obviously at her age it's really minor stuff - school tiffs that blow over in a day or so etc), but I suppose it is giving me some level of 'practice' for when we get to the stage you're at with your DD.

I think if you're patient with her, but still have boundaries re respect, you will come through this - it does sound like fairly typical teenage girl behaviour (in my admittedly limited experience of my close friend's 16 yo DD).

I hope results day goes well for you both and you enjoy your spa day .

Oh vicar

I can honestly say that despite what you say here you do have a loving, strong and 2 way bond with your DD.

But she is a teenager.

As an adult...I'll bet that you compartmentalise who you can talk to about what.
I'll bet there are some things you will happily talk to your friends about that you would avoid talking to your DH about.
I'll bet there are some things you can talk to one friend about but not another.

She is just compartmentalising. Even now I wouldn't and couldn't talk to my mum about my relationship stuff or sex life. My x MIL knew I was on the pill and had taken MAP after condom split. But I coukd not tell my mum. My friends know who, what, where and when about my xps affairs. My mum knows we split up because he was unfaithful but nothing else. And that's me as an adult. So I think that is fairly normal behaviour.

The embaressment. That's a bit more shitty.

Imo all teenagers are embaressed about some aspect of their parents behaviour. For me it was the fact that my father was an alcoholic; my mum did not shave, use deoderant or brush her teeth. And cleaning the house was a foreign concept. So I really question what your dd has to be embaressed about, and although she may be embarrassed by your affection for rats be thankful that is the most 'abstract' part of your lifestyle she can find.

I think both behaviours are largely normal. Articulating them in the way she did was tactless and hurtful but it doesn't mean that she feels any less of you than she did yesterday.

Oh and if there is a spare spa ticket going I think you should choose your twin .

Ah, I just want to come and give you a big cuddle

Totally understandable reaction on your part, but what everyone says is right. I think I'd find it hard to move beyond the initial stinging feelings if one of the DDs had told me this, but my logical head would hopefully kick in after a while and I'd start to think of the positives.

Another mum thinks your DD is great and because of the warmth your lovely girl has made this woman feel, it's created a relationship of trust and confidence. Be proud of that. This woman undoubtedly thinks you've done a superb job.

I realised long ago that my kids were sweetness and light to everyone else's parents, just as their friends were model guests in our house. After one of their friends took to staying over a lot and offloading all their troubles, I did stand back and wonder how I would feel if one of my own was doing this with some other mum. I realised I wouldn't have liked it on an emotional level, but on a rational basis I figured I'd be glad if they had a source of trust and confidence for stuff they didn't want to share at home. Eventually.

Some practical tips to share with you in a dilemma like this: can you get to meet the BF's mum and get to know her a bit better? Not to take that special relationship away from DD or intrude on it, but just to humanise the other mum as a woman just like you who unbeknowns, might be struggling with that blushing, polite son of hers who is actually more reminiscent of Harry Enfield's Kevin at home?

Empathy, honesty and shared humour with other parents of teenagers can be a life raft when they are being little shits normal teenagers and the best approach in my experience is to befriend other mums, rather than to feel threatened by them.

DD might not want that of course and neither might the BF. They probably both feel their parents would be embarrassing, but if you can at least get to be on nodding terms with the other mum, it might just help a bit.

Oh teenagers being embarrassed by their parents is totally normal!
Did yours not embarrass you?
The teenage years are very strange, the flexing of muscles etc can be very wearing and indeed upsetting. but I assure you all of mine have entered their 20's with a total change of mindset.

I take the view they only have one mother... me.
I am not their friend (they have plenty of those) during these challenging years, I am there to steady the ship.
All my boys now are really close to us and have expressed thanks for us saying what needed to be said during various high dramas!
Tell her if she is out of order.

One of mine once said the worst thing for him was when I said... I am very disappointed! I had no idea that this comment wounded him...haha.

But hey I am no expert and certainly don't have all the answers, no parent does. We all end up upset and frazzled by our DC's.

Am posting here to tell you that from what you have said you have a lovely daughter and you will not lose her, in fact you will become closer!

My dd is only 13 (just!) and tells me I am weird and embarrass her. The former is a compliment and the later is true . Right now we are pretty close, but I'm sure that will change as she gets a bit older. She is also very close to her brother and I am sure that they both know things about each other that I never will. Which is a good thing.

When I was a teenager I was very close to my aunt (and not at all to my mum), whilst my older brother and sister were close to our grandmother. Having lots of people to talk to is really important I think. I'm not sure it's totally healthy to tell your mother everything as a teen (or ever perhaps!).

Hi vicar

I can totally understand how you feel but I also think this is just a phase your DD is going through. At 16 I was horribly embarrassed of my mum who was quite different from all my friends mums - today I think she is (and always has been) really quite cool and we are really cool!

Also, do you think that your DDs BFs mum is maybe making a real effort to be friends with your DD? I'm just wondering, if my DS was 16 and had a steady GF with a good head on her shoulders I would be over the moon! There are so many ways boys that age can go off the rails, if I felt my DS had a really positive influence from a lovely GF I would be so grateful! So I'm wondering if his mum is trying really hard to be friends with your DD which at that age must be very flattering for her...

Try and cheer up, I'm sure your DD will look back one day and feel really sorry for treating you badly and saying things that are hurtful to you - I know I do!

What ivykaty said.In a few years time the people she knows now will probably not be around but you will be. My daughter was exactly the same at 17. Best friends with her friends mum and I didn't get a look in and she certainly never confided in me. I felt like you do

Fast forward a few years and those people are no longer in her life, it's me she wants now and it can only get better as she's now expecting her first baby

It doesn't take anything away from you- there is more than enough love to go around- she loves you to bits but it doesn't mean that she finds you easy to talk to, you are too close. Mothers are very often the last person that teenagers want to talk to. There is also the underlying currents- knowing that you want to be best friend- makes it more difficult. Many find their mothers 'weird' when everyone else finds them completely normal.

I chat to my DS's girlfriend quite easily and very often when he isn't around- I don't think it takes anything away from her mother, they have a good relationship. From my point of view, having all DSs, she is like a breath of fresh air to have someone female in the house who is on my wavelength!

She isn't treating her own mother badly! She was just asked a question and answered truthfully. Parents that you think are weird at 16yrs are the ones that you are proud of later. Any parents are embarrassing to teenagers!

Of course his mother isn't trying hard to be friends and is flattered as if it is some sort of competition. She is probably just a naturally friendly person who likes the girl! I really enjoy my DS's girl friends company - that is all there is to it- none if the silly playground stuff of 'she likes me better than you' etc.

Teenagers are not stupid- if she felt that she was trying too hard and was flattered she would keep her distance. It works for her because she is just friendly and interested without expecting anything in return.

I don't know how to put this kindly, I wish I could think of more gentle language, but this 16 year old woman sounds spoilt. She's given an allowance (when there's a high chance she's worked all summer), her mum's planning to decorate her room fit for an adult, and then there's a spa trip on top. If somebody was acting so ungrateful and unaccepting about me I would be investing less of that time and money in them.

When I was teenage my Mum was soooo... embarrassing. She was old, and she made her own clothes, and she had long hair, and she cooked home made food.

I was astounded that my friends loved being at our house. They chatted to her about things I couldn't even mention and they thought I was really lucky to have her as a Mum.

I loved her but I couldn't quite see her in the same way. It's the nature of being a teen and growing up.

exoticfruit I didn't mean the boyfriends mum was feeling flattered, I mean the daughter, as in flattered that an adult was friendly with her/taking her serious/ making an effort, etc.

I have to agree with Vivacia for a 16 year old, she gets an awful lot from you financially Vicar. It's a bit OTT but that's just my opinion.

When I read your OP the first thing that came to my mind was all the threads on here about how there were some bloody awful MIL's around. Now I know she's 16, and nowhere near marriage yet!! However, I do think it is nice that she has a good relationship with her boyfriend's mother. And other posters have pointed out that there are some things we'd rather talk to someone else about rather than our own parents.

Sorry misunderstood- I still don't think it is a question of being flattered- it is just 2 friendly people getting on and enjoying each other's company. You can have lots of friends and it doesn't take anything away from anyone else. I don't make a special effort to talk to DS's girlfriend- she is just very easy to talk to and I like her.
A lot of people on here want a girl to be 'best friend' but teens often don't see the mother as the one to confide in. It will probably change as she gets older.
I am also on the mean side and would expect her to get a part time job. It is all very well 'spoiling' her, everyone like to at times, but you shouldn't expect anything back. To her credit OP was ashamed of the comment about spa days.

Hi Vicar, just dashing in on this to say would it help if you thought of this as the female equivalent of Kevin and Perry, sort of "yes mrs Patterson" type thing?

It sounds like you have a fab relationship with your DD and this stuff sounds normal. You can't be everything to her forever and maybe you could swallow that hurt and be glad for how well she's turning out and that she has a lovely bf.

And just to add to my previous post and PM.

Think of it this way too.

Probably all the relationships dd has had have been developed as a child. Other adults, her school friends.

This is probably the first person she has been introduced to as a young aadult where she can develop mature adult relationship.

This will be an important skill for her to practise and develop. It is good she is developing other adult relationships - especially in view of the scenario I pm'd you about. As long as she is not obsessive about the relationship I can't see it as a bad thing.

Just another person she has to share the woes of young adulthood.

When my DD called me weird I just said thank you, after all, who wants to be "normal", I'm not weird btw

thanks for the perspective folks - im ok today - she has actually been lovely today - and i told her that last night she was being a brat and she said sorry.
we went for her results this morning - she has done really well in her GCSEs so we went out for a celebratory brunch.

She continued to talk about BF mum but its got to me less today - and i asked her why she felt unable to talk to me about things - she said they dont discuss anything personal but talk about bf and how blokes are sometimes clueless to how girls/women think etc....

i also found out that DD got bf mum a gift voucher for a beauty parlour for her birthday this week - she said that because she has 3 boys she doesnt get girly gifts very often - which melted my heart i have to say - she is clearly a very thoughtful person most of the time....

she is cleaning the bathroom for my now. She is bored. She wants to go shopping for college supplies but i cant do it until after pay day next week but have promised her a girly shopping day next week after the spa break.

i wonder if lasts nights bratty behavour was just pre exam results jitters....
thanks everyone. I lost a bit of perspective i think....