i am unreasonably jealous of DD relationship with her boyfriends mum

[ThatVikRinA22]

i know this probably isnt reasonable or rational.

DD is just 16. She has had a boyfriend for 18 months - he is lovely and i really think they are a great match.

She goes to his house a couple of times a week and he comes here.

thing is somthing she said today really tugged at my heart strings.
i am in the process of buying her a double bed and redecorating her room - because she wanted it. She gets £50 a month allowance. I think we have a good relationship.
today she went to see her boyfriends mum for an hour and a half even though BF wasnt home.
she said they were chatting.
i asked her if she could talk to her more easily than me
and here is where the knife went in.,,,,,she said yes.

i feel i should think myself lucky that she has someone else to talk to - but i am hurt.
next week i am taking her for a spa break, including lots of treats and pampering, an over night stay, etc.

i feel like i have had a smack in the teeth.

she thinks i am embarassing because i drink wine and i have rats as pets - she says im weird.
if i stop to think about what she said i feel like i could cry.
i have given over my entire life to my kids - only beginning a career when i was 38 and they were well into their teens.

im hurt. when she said it i couldnt help saying "well tell her to take you for a spa break next week then"....i felt immediately stupid but it just came out.
DH gave me The Look.

is this normal? am i so embarrassing and terrible that she has to seek out another adult to confide in?
ive always tried to be really open with her - i bought her alcohol for her prom party because i trusted her 100% not to get drunk - and she didnt.
i thought she could come to me for anything.....that she cant is a shock. that she would choose to go to someone she has known only for 18 months is hurtful.

am i just being stupid and precious? i feel taken for granted.

Glad you're feeling better about things today.

This is probably a wasted post now, but one of the things I remember from being that age is that having a good relationship with my then BF's mother made me feel more grown up. The BF's mum only knew me at that age. There was no history of childhood memories, past embarrassments, tears, landmark moments, etc. Instead, I was able to project myself as the adult I thought I wanted to be and feel accepted purely on that basis. It's great for your DD that she has found a woman who seems to be worthy of that and who will encourage her to grow rather than make her feel somehow lacking, but it's an entirely different relationship to the one she has with you so it's not comparable. Your relationship is one in which that history exists in abundance with all the things it encompasses - shared memories, triumphs and trials, loyalty, trust, unconditional love and yes, occasionally bratty behaviour because you know you're loved well enough to be forgiven for it.

Yes to pre exam jitters.
Glad things are a bit better sorted out.
She is only 16.
Spa breaks etc, red herring. That doesnt compensate for anything meaningful.
18 months is not a short time to have a good relationship with another adult. Glad that she does.
You might want to cut down on the rat pictures.
She probably wont care less at 18, but 16 yes.

I kept rats for a few years. 2 were lovely and would sit on my shoulder happily for ages. 3 were vicious little bastards who bonded far more with each other than they did with me and ate my leather jacket.

It is sooooo normal for teenagers to need/want to confide in a supportive adult other than their parents. It is part of growing up and separating yourself out as an individual person. It is just a sign that your DD is growing up. If you are open and relaxed in letting her be close/share with other people while she is a teen, you will likely maintain a healthy relationship in adulthood.

If you think about it - it is very rare for adults (even when they are close to their parents) to tell their mum and dad everything.

Practising sharing with another trusted adult in your teens helps you to get to the point where you can be a confident independent adult who is able to maintain a number of close warm relationships. It doesn't mean your dd won't be close to you in adulthood. It probably does mean that your relationship with your dd is beginning to be a more adult to adult one ( with the usual regressions into toddlerhood to scream about rat pictures or whatever!)

A teenager saying sorry....now that is abnormal behaviour

yellow DD bought boyfriends mum the beauty voucher out of her own money- (not the other way around,) because she said she never gets girly gifts due to her having only sons.

so a teen that says sorry and is thoughtful....so i suppose i can tolerate a bit of bratty behavour now and again.

aw, lovely

It sounds like you and your daughter have quite a good relationship. I would never have gone to a spa with my mum at that age.

But she's 16 and needs independence and privacy. Generally from the 'rents. Her BF's mum isn't her parent and is evidently nice so she can have a mum chat while still being independent.

Parent's are embarrassing. He probably finds his mum embarrassing because she drinks real ale and listens to Michael Ball or whatever it is she does. He's probably a bit mortified that she gets on so well with his mum.

Vicar, why did she mention wine? Does she think you drink too much?

imperial she accuses me of being drunk after one glass....she can be quite self riteous at times!

i probably do drink to much - but im living it up before my op, - because after that i think alcohol will be a thing of the past, along with meat, and bread, and smoking.

i feel taken for granted

That's because you're so available! You've given your life for her, that's obvious - it's human nature to not value what comes easily. I'm not suggesting playing games.... but she's not your friend, surely?? She's your daughter. Giving her 'everything' is not good for her.

You sound so personally invested in her, I find it a bit erm close tbh. Spa days together?? That's for your women friends, not your 16yo daughter and you, surely? Shouldn't she be getting her GCSE results with her friends? Teenagers need room to breathe. Of course, we are invested to the absolute hilt in one way... but not personally, eg a 'friend'. She may be your friend later, but not now, not at 16.

I think it's important that at that age you hold her lightly. You're giving her an awful lot - why is that? Yes, it hurts like mad that she's close to this woman but don't let her see it - re the comment 'can you talk to her more easily than you talk to me' is just not the sort of comment to make imo. No wonder you got The Look. It sounds needy tbh. Sorry.

(as for the post at the beginning of the thread re frequent notes sent from boyf's mother to student poster - I found that creepy tbh.)

why am i like this?
because i dont have a mother or a father. i think given the lack of training i had as a parent ive done ok. i was brought up in and out of care homes. i havent spoken to my mother for 15 years. my stepfather was an abusive drunk child beater.

so. there you go. have i done that badly? i dont think so. yes we are very much mother and daughter - not such great friends - but is having a spa break with your daughter such a terrible thing? she is looking forward to it - as am i.
we go for lunches together. im not remotely needy - ds (special needs) sees to that. i pray for the day i am not needed - but it seems that i always am.
and thats ok with me. my son has AS and other learning disabilities. he has moved 300 miles away but its his choice to phone me daily. i love that my children are sensible and independent.
its easy to think you "know" someone i guess from a forum, but your analysis could not be further from the truth springy

and thats fine. because you dont know me, my kids, or what challenges i have faced as a parent.

Vicar, I think you are doing a great job with both your ds and your dd, even though it mightn't feel like that at time.

Nothing wrong with going on spa days with your dd either. I envy you that. My dd died and my others are all sons so I will always miss out on the girly things. And even if she's too much of a stroppy teenager to appreciate it now, she will look back on it fondly.

That is desperately cruel yellow (and vicar)

thank you weareseven and im so sorry that you lost your DD....thats so very sad. im so very sorry. my "mummy figure friend" lost her DD and she would have been my age - she can talk to me about it but i get so choked up for her.
we (DD and i) were talking the other day because DD s boyfriend just lost his best friend in terribly tragic circumstances - all of his friends have done stuff to raise money for a marble head stone. It was really touching.

they are all lovely kids. i am so very sorry for your loss. x

springy - i didnt know your back story but your post to me was harsh at best. i think its best to advise on situations you know. i did not mean to be cruel - but perhaps you should reflect on your own circumstances before berating others who have got relationships with their children.

Hi Vicar. Hope you have cheered up since your original post. Kids tend to think other people's mums are better. It's what they do.

Your post reminded me of this advert. Hope you can see the funny side of it.

thanks mary - you are right. I didnt actually mean to be unkind - but i did take exception to some of what springy was saying. I will bear your post in mind.

senua - that made me smile....i guess its a well known phenomena then that other mums are far cooler than your own!

cheers.

The reaction to springy's post from yellow and vicar are very unkind. I know this is an emotive subject but your replies say a fair bit about you and I'm surprised at your unkindness.

It was very unkind to bring up Springy's heartbreaking situation with her dcs to use against her just because you didn't like her take on things. She was trying to help, but you didn't agree with her words, fair enough, but she was not trying to be nasty. Whereas yellow was.

point taken, i just felt like i was being "told off"! for being "available" for my dd.
being "available" has worked ok for us as a family up until now - DS is 21, DD 16, and i will probably always be "available". My own background being very different. I also see nothing wrong in doing the occasional nice thing with DD, (ie - the spa)

i do not know springys back story at all. Im sorry springy if you are having difficulties with your children. My answer was flip and was in response to feeling "told off". I hope you manage to sort things with your family.