i am unreasonably jealous of DD relationship with her boyfriends mum

[ThatVikRinA22]

i know this probably isnt reasonable or rational.

DD is just 16. She has had a boyfriend for 18 months - he is lovely and i really think they are a great match.

She goes to his house a couple of times a week and he comes here.

thing is somthing she said today really tugged at my heart strings.
i am in the process of buying her a double bed and redecorating her room - because she wanted it. She gets £50 a month allowance. I think we have a good relationship.
today she went to see her boyfriends mum for an hour and a half even though BF wasnt home.
she said they were chatting.
i asked her if she could talk to her more easily than me
and here is where the knife went in.,,,,,she said yes.

i feel i should think myself lucky that she has someone else to talk to - but i am hurt.
next week i am taking her for a spa break, including lots of treats and pampering, an over night stay, etc.

i feel like i have had a smack in the teeth.

she thinks i am embarassing because i drink wine and i have rats as pets - she says im weird.
if i stop to think about what she said i feel like i could cry.
i have given over my entire life to my kids - only beginning a career when i was 38 and they were well into their teens.

im hurt. when she said it i couldnt help saying "well tell her to take you for a spa break next week then"....i felt immediately stupid but it just came out.
DH gave me The Look.

is this normal? am i so embarrassing and terrible that she has to seek out another adult to confide in?
ive always tried to be really open with her - i bought her alcohol for her prom party because i trusted her 100% not to get drunk - and she didnt.
i thought she could come to me for anything.....that she cant is a shock. that she would choose to go to someone she has known only for 18 months is hurtful.

am i just being stupid and precious? i feel taken for granted.

Hardly knives out to say don't be surprised a 16 year old finds her mother embarrassing.

I would't worry, I could talk to my friend's mum at 16 when I couldn't talk to mine through embarrassment. Still love my mum to bits.

Hi Vicar
I just wanted to support you - I feel a connection with you on so many levels! Whilst my situation was different to yours, I too had to 'walk on eggshells' with my dad, everything I did had to be vetoed by him and the answer was usually 'no'. He was abusive to us all and extremely difficult and controlling and overly religious, sadly it was mum who suffered for years. She died earlier this year. When I was growing up I felt she always took his side, she was always 'too busy' with housework and looking after my younger siblings, that I could never really confide in her. It wasn't until years later that I formed a proper relationship with her and I miss her dreadfully. My dad now needs a lot of care and we've all been pulled back into his tricky web of emotional blackmail.
On the other hand, I worked so hard to make my family 'different'. I stayed home for 16 years, only going to work when my youngest started school. People tell me I'm an 'earth mother'. I now have 4 teenagers at home, 2 have just got exam results, 2 have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
My eldest daughter is married with a child and lives away. I recently reminded her of something she said to me when she was 16 - she told me I had a 'sad little life and I was jealous of her' -she was mortified and apologised for her teenage years and grief she gave me (she has a 'sad little life' now too!).
My other daughter can be extremely stroppy and selfish - I recently took her and her boyfriend on holiday with us- it was a great way of getting to know him better as we were in the close confines of a caravan. I now think he is so charming and thoughtful, whereas before I thought him aloof and snotty. My daughter on the hand, ignored me most of the time, barely spoke to me, and accused me of being embarrassing (talking with my mouth full). I had a few tears at bedtime. I have since decided to give her more space until there comes a time when she feels she needs me more, and I have suggested that she moves out next year to enjoy her final year of uni (and pay her own bills to become more appreciative).
Such is the life with teenagers. Girls seem to like to stab us with their words. 2 of my boys are like slugs - slobbering around the house leaving a trail of mess behind them, speaking in their own language of inaudible grunts. Yet when DS1 visits his girlfriend's, he has a great time with her mum who 'understands teenagers' and is 'really different to you mum, down with the kids' (smokes pot, drinks a lot, tattoos, piercings). Crikey, I'm so straight laced! Only my youngest (newly teenage, 13 year old son who is still delightful) wants to accompany me anywhere.
My children's friends are perfectly charming when they visit ( even though I hear stories that differ). Teenagers are great dramatists, actors - they put on a good show for others, a bit like Facebook, we see the warts at home.
I have decided that I need to spend more time with my own friends, I have become too 'insular' within my own family - as it is with one so large - you don't need friends, you build a fort around yourself, you have each other. But I often wonder how it is possible to feel so lonely amongst so many? My 'dear little ones' have grown up and are trickling through my hands like sand...premature empty nest syndrome?
Sorry, huge post, waffling on....maybe I'm just having a bad week...next week everything will seem rosy and hunky dory..but from a outside perspective, you are doing everything right!
Wow! my husband has been to gym and back whilst I was writing this!

Vicar, you are a fantastic mum and an inspiration; don't let anyone tell you differently!

Because of your horrible childhood, you are even more determined not to repeat the pattern with your own children and your devotion to them shines through. Your background also makes you a little more sensitive and vulnerable, I think.

I agree with all the wise posters who say that a child - or indeed an adult - can find it easier to talk to some one they are less close to; totally, totally normal!

Don't worry, you are doing a great job and your DD loves you to bits. I say that as someone with a phobia of rats! Most teenage DC are embarrassed by their parents because, despite the 'rebellion', most are desperately conservative and want to fit in. Your DD sounds like a lovely, well adjusted individual, who is a real credit to you.

My advice is not to mention this to your DD again, but to go to the spa and have a wonderful time together! Life is too short to worry about problems which really, really don't exist.

Good luck!

Thank you for your sincere apology, vicar . I'm sorry my original post caused you upset - it wasn't intended, as I recognise so much of what you posted about.

At one point we were all going to the vile CAMHS (my kids were horribly bereaved and I asked for a referral to be on the safe side - BIG misake!) and at one session we discussed a little jolly ds and I went on the previous w/e. He was 16 at the time. We went on an overnighter to the coast - we got in the car and I gave him the map and said 'you choose' - but I did check into a youth hostel so that it wouldn't be too weird for a 16yo lad to be on his own with his mum! the CAMHS therapists suggested I was using my son as a 'subsitute husband' - quote: "Do you see your son as your husband?" - because of that trip . So I do understand that little trips together are perfectly ok and I am sorry it looked like I was suggesting otherwise. I was actually addressing the whole picture and just generally asking questions (re lots of question marks!) but I can see how it is a sore point for you.

I would still stand by that teenagers need some space to 'individuate', particularly if the relationship with the mum has previously been close. Believe it or not, me and my tribe were as thick as thieves, very close and natural together. It probably took the massive bereavement and my toxic family, with a huge dose of CAMHS to knock everything off track. There's even more to that story - a veritable avalanche of shit - but I'll not bore you!

I'm so sorry your childhood was horrific. As I said upthread, you've obviously done something very right if your daughter was able to be natural and honest with you - even though it cut you to the quick! I put my hand up to being consumed with jealousy when I heard, over the phone, their father's wife ask one of my kids if he wanted a bacon sandwich!! So I'm hardly pointing fingers lol. I ommitted to make that clear in my original post and for that I'm sorry.

(I wonder how the women who, having had their husband - and marriage - stolen from them by an OW, have to then hand over their precious babes for said OW to play mummies with. I can't imagine the pain of it and wonder how on earth they do it tbf )

I can see how it is a sore point for you

• rather, I can see how it looked like that! It's a sore point for every mother imo, it's a bloody sore point for me!

I will take more care in future!

I think it is much harder to be a parent if you are breaking a cycle

Got it in one exoticfruits !

It seems to me that you want to feel your children can take you for granted in an I will always be there for you way, while teaching them to appreciate what they have. You should be able to rely on your parents.

.

hi all.
and thanks springy - it was my bad, (hate that saying but you know what i mean!) and i just mis translated what you were trying to say. thank you for accepting the apology. I now realise what it was you were trying to say - i am overly senitive where i detect a hint of criticism (even when its just imagined!) im sorry that you have clearly had a horrible time of things.

ive just got home from work - dd has spent the entire day with BFs mum today - and i am managing to see the bright side of that too - at least they get on she doesnt dislike her - far from it - so for that i am pleased, and his mum seems lovely - ive met her.

i just told dd not to outstay her welcome but she said that bfs mum loves having company because she is normally alone with her 3 boys - her dh works away.

i feel better about it all now - i think i just had that initial pang of the green eyed monster in what was a momentary lapse, it had been one of those nights....

thanks again for being so gracious springy. and thank you to all those who have been really supportive.