Should I tell the other woman's husband.

[fudgelover]

My husband has been having an affair for at least the last four years. I found out last year. He left when I confronted him. Part of me feels that this man should know what is happening, but another part just wants to make this other woman suffer for what she has done. Would I just cause myself more problems by doing this.

I'm not tired of hearing about it. I think it's helpful and healing to talk these things over. We can always listen, we don't have to try and solve everything.

Wow, nice eloquent bullying there Gehj, have reported you.

I like your posts, Wellwobbly. Plus I will immediately go and look up Zimonopoly :)

Gehj, I see you are encouraging Wellwobbly to do a little self reflection. I would encourage you to do the same. Your posts on this thread appear arrogant and spiteful. If I see your name on-line in future I may not even skim, to avoid your negative and bullying remarks.
Wellwobbly is entitled to use MN however she wishes (as long as she isn't hurting anyone else). If her posts are so offensive to you why bother reading?

Glad to see that comment deleted, when you're recovering from you own trauma it's hard not to link it in to other people's experiences on mn. That's what I did, and I think it helps to know that other people have been through the same shit. You feel disconnected from your rl friends sometimes because their problems seem so totally different and it's very comforting to com on to mn and instantly connect with people who are going through the same old shit! maybe a bit behind you and you give them a leg up, or some a bit further along on the journey gives you a few words of encouragement.

Really unsporting to tell somebody that their posts (their sadness, what they're working through) is boring. Have a heart.

Wobbly talks on threads about her experience, as do I, although my story is different to hers. A lot of people are helped by knowing how others have faced or dealt with a situation. It helped me so much when I first posted on MN, to hear from others who had been betrayed by a deceitful partner. It can help you to make sense of what is happening.

I WILL think about Gehj's remarks, promise. She also has valuable stuff to say.

Thank you all for being kind to me. This is when you know that MN is actually a community

Fairenough I didn't say 'no comment'. I said I wasn't even going to bother to engage in the question which was cheap ( and shows the poster had to get personal as they couldn't engage in a meaningful way on the topic. ) That is not quite the same as side stepping a question with a 'no comment'. Anyone with a brain could see the difference in that.

How patronising Wellwobbly I do hope you reflect on the valuable points I have made.

I'm having difficulty with my computer at present, so therefore I'm unable to post your past comments to support my earlier posts. I hope to return with links to support my earlier comments.

bopeep And before you or anyone accuses me or asks if I have had an affair- which it too cheap a comment to actually bother to reply...

Sounds like 'no comment to me'

Why is it cheap to ask if someone has cheated on their partner? If you have then that would obviously account for strong feelings against telling the husband. If not, then it's just your opinion of how you think you would act in those circumstances.

There are some very angry people on this thread.

It's so sad to read how grown women assuming we are all grown women can behave like school yard bullies. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. If you really hate what they say that much then move on and comment on what the Op has asked advice on. The only person people that looks like a complete fool is the person whose only purpose is to come on to a thread for what looks like no other reason than to to belittle / attack another poster commenting on what Op has raised. Well I think you should take no hide if the nasty comments...

Sorry you call it patronising Gehj, when I have protected your vulnerability and SAID I will reflect on the comments you have made.

Well, I'd tell. Fuck all this 'rise above' shit.

Expectin .

I dont understand the "save your dignity and dont say anything".

Fair enough if OP has intentions on hammering his front door down hysterically crying and screaming and shouting.

Thats not dignified.

But to deliver cool salm to the point message with no drama - isnt losing dignity.

OP does not owe anyone anything but I do wonder if she wishes someone had told her about her Hs affair 3 1/2 years ago if they had known.

Dignity - surely in this situation its just another way of making women in the large shut up?

I'd tell and I doubt very much the Dh is in some wonderful happy marriage, otherwise I'd assume his wife wouldn't have been shagging around.

I personally wouldn't care what the outcome was, if they stayed together or not. And I would feel no guilt if there were children involved either. The guilty ones are clearly the ones who had the affair.

maybe - cool, calm and with kindness. Bearing in mind you won't know what the consequences will be and you don't want to put yourself at risk.

On the other hand, a friend received a letter from the OW's husband AFTER she found out about her DH's affair in which he revealed extra details (including that it had gone on for years longer than she thought) with the specific intention of blaming her DH and protecting his wife from any responsibility. Her DH became a stalker who had relentlessly pursued his wife. How the OW had managed to be so pro-actively involved in their meetings was not explained... both in their 50s, btw.

The OW's husband was in pain but so was my friend, who had done nothing wrong. She was devastated by his cruelty.

I can't believe the abuse Wellwobbly is getting. She is a stellar contributor and of great help to those in crisis.

Gehj, you sound like you might be the OW Wellwobbly lost her husband to. And you also sound like a totally in love with herself narc.

Ahem

Wobbly, no, I'm not a man trying to cover my 'side dish' affair, no I'm not in a relationship where an affair is being conducted; so, wrong there.

Seriously Croll, are you a man to talk that level of denial? Nope, sorry, I don't understand this at all; another fail.

And I honestly do not think I'm a psycho either and never previously been accused of being one, how good is this? I express a view and get described as a 'man' and a psycho. I'm not sure if I should be insulted or amused.

And I stand by my position, the OP should keep her nose out.

I thought this was a site where one could share their thoughts, experiences and opinions without any labelling - Mixxy

Wellwobbly, its interesting how you twist words - me - vulnerable [grins].

I'm not the one with umpteen books on affairs littering my bedside table (fact).

I'm not the one quoting psycho babble and labelling people who've had affairs as 'probable' psychopaths and narcissists (fact).

I'm not dropping hints that I attend University thus trying to convince us that you are an expert in the field of relationships (fact - you're not).

It's a rather weak comment to say you are unable to comment on anything other than affairs! You state, because you have spent the last 4yrs reading books, receiving counselling, and delving into the world of affairs, makes you experienced enough to give advice! It does not.

I have travelled to many countries and tasted and experienced food from all over the world; a food/travel journalist/critic I am not

Mixxy, I am not a self loving narc but I am allowed an opinion as to how one responds on this site. I have said from the outset, I don't think Wellwobbly is offering support to others, but merely using their threads to offload her ongoing twisted thoughts of those who betray others.

Wobbly, your posts generally digress to the 'betraying partner' and then you spew forth the same narcissistic psycho analysis of who, when, why and how they behave. Was this particularly helpful in this thread?

Just because I have an opinion that some readers may find uncomfortable reading, and some who have found it liberating (thanks to all who have PM'd and agreed with my comments), it does not make my opinion any less valued than yours Wellwobbly .

Whats the ahem for Olivia?

Loving your work Gehj :)

You want the OP to keep it a secret, right? Yes, yes, you are entitled to your awful opinion. Nobody said you weren't.

Well frankly, I think you are feminisms worst nightmare.

I see you are giving a shout out to your PM'ers. Wow. That's facebook level of narc. But good for you, sweetie. Good for you.

Gehj everyone is entitled to their opinion but seriously give it a rest. Your posts have been come across as vindictive, harassing posts all aimed at Wellwobby. Why don't you stick to responding to the Ops post rather than stalking another poster. Mumsnet have already deleted one of your bullying posts for breaking talk guidelines. You are coming across like you are obsessed with another member and one intent of stalking her from thread to thread. It makes you sound / look unpleasant.