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Original poster

Gutted: Is this the begining of the End?

580 replies

Contrarian78 · 20/08/2013 14:03

I've happened across these pages by accident (looking for a review of something I was buying) but have read with interest the advice that's given.

I'm a mid-thirties (34) male who is married (9 years) with two children (7 and 3). My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have, up until recently I think, always had a pretty solid relationship.

The one area we do seem to struggle with though is sex. Our sex-drives are massively mis-matched. I try to be understanding and of course we always march to the beat of her drum - which I sort of accept (even if I resent it a little) as there's nothing that would turn me off more than knowing she's doing it out of a sense of wifely duty - we fell into that trap (and never really got out of it) after our son was born.

My wife and I both work full time and split domestic duties evenly (honestly we do!). Having recently realised that we were in real danger of going our separate ways, we have decided to make more of an effort. She acknowledged some things - which was great, and I've made a real effort to not pressure her and be more romantic.

The 'problem' now is that it all seems a little 'forced' it doesn't quite feel natural. I sympathise with her becasue she's damned if she doesn't and damned if she does, but it feels like she's making more of an effort in order to protect the lifestyle we have and not disrupt things for the sake of the kids. I apreciate that, but I honestly don't think she'd choose me if we met today.

This is all made harder because I still fancy her rotten and she's such a kind person. Certainly I'd never cheat on her (we've only ever been with each other) but I do sort of wish that she wanted me as much as I want her. She admits she's not a particularly sexual person. We've done some pretty amazing stuff over the years (though I always feel I have to push it) but it's only when she's had a drink - which makes me a little sad if I'm honest.

Sorry for the long whinge off. It's sort of cathartic to get it off my chest. I feel bad becasue she's lovely and we have really made a good life for ourselves. But at what point might you realise that a split is inevitable?

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 16:06

OK. I didn't read that sentence.

Joanbakes · 21/08/2013 16:08

DF - what utter nonsense! That's it. I'll leave you all to it.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 16:10

I was going to ask....so that's what sockpupprety is!

Trust me, I'd be killed if anyone who knew me in real life ever got hold of this thread. I mean killed. Properly dead.

OP posts:
Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 16:11

No, sorry, having read trhough a copuple of Joanbakes' posts, there not all in support at all. Nothing like.

OP posts:
CoffeeandScones · 21/08/2013 16:12

I thought joan had spent half the time disagreeing with the OP Confused

I must not have a good radar for such things.

KellyHopter · 21/08/2013 16:14

I'm a tad sceptical, but not about Joanbakes.

DuelingFanjo · 21/08/2013 16:17

ok - I apologise. Sorry. Wrong person.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 16:17

Actually, is it suprising that some agree and some don't. I don't have a sockpuppet - what honestly would be the point.

There is broadly a heard mentality on these boards - every so often one or more will deviate from the script. It doesn't follow that they're in cahoots.

The advice here has been useful The flaming - to the extent that it makes me reflect on my own behaviour - ar similarly useful.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 16:19

A "heard" mentality? Well most of us have heard it all before.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 16:21

o.k. so the spelling/grammar slipped. "HERD"

I've seen some shocking spelling and grammar on here to be honest.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 16:24

Have you? I think the standard of literacy here is pretty good. And I really don't go with the herd mentality idea. Or hive mind. Or whatever.

BelaLugosisShed · 21/08/2013 16:26

I think the use of the word "grot" is very telling , it could explain where the OP has crawled from Wink .

If this OP is genuine, he's really not doing himself any favours by way of his explanations, whiney, self absorbed - I'm afraid if I was his wife I wouldn't fancy sex with him either - with all the talk of brandishing sex toys and "p0rnstar" sex (yuk) , he sounds like he wants some kind of performing sex-monkey rather than true intimacy .

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 16:30

Crawled from?

Brandishing sex toys?

Whiney? o.k. I'll give you that one

I should point out, my wife and I do have sex. We are by no means in a sexless relationship. Our sex drives are merely mis-matched.

How else would you describe that sex that you have when you just can't get enough of each other? We actually call it 'Jungle Sex' a phrase she coined - not me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 16:32

LPL: The standard of literacy here isn't very good (though it has been on this thread). Of course we all make mistakes - I think facter than I can type - but some things I just find unintelligible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 16:32

*faster

OP posts:
KellyHopter · 21/08/2013 16:36

You don't have a very good opinion of us as a group, do you?

Dishonest and now illegible.

Amazed you sought advice here at all.

whosshe · 21/08/2013 16:39

I also agree that some of the phrases you have used contrarian would not warm me to you, and certainly are not what I would associate with truely intimate sex.

Fun sex maybe, for some, but not very intimate sex.

Do you know sort of sex your wife likes? Have your tastes changed maybe? Maybe your sexual tastes have moved off in a direction she is not keen on?

Lioninthesun · 21/08/2013 16:44

Do you mind me asking how old you are OP?

It's just your 'txt spk' makes me wonder if you aren't either having a mid-life crisis or actually 14?

I am not in a relationship and every time I see posts like this I thank my lucky stars. No one can get it right! She clearly is lovely, a good mother, you fancy her, she has a brain and you have great times together. However, because of a hormone in your body you are happy to leave her, your kids and your home? I know this works both ways, but really it highlights to me how fickle people are in relationships. The grass is always greener. Who is to say you won't end up in the same situ in 3/5/10 years time? Or worse? I agree you should talk to her about all of this and let her know that for you sex is the most important thing in your life. I just hope you don't expect her to find that attractive. She is more likely going to want to protect her children from a man who is led by his balls and clearly can't find any other meaning from his life.
I know I sound harsh, but I have no sympathy with moaning about a sex life that you HAVE but simply isn't frequent enough for you. For what it's worth, if she is in her 30's she will be reaching her sexual prime. Yours will be diminishing. It won't be as important to you in 5/10 years time, but you will have sacrificed an otherwise happy life and being part of a family.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 16:48

Kellyhopter: I don't particlarly have an opinion of you as a group ~(other than that ofen a herd mentality prevails - perhaps not unreasonably)

I've yet to pull anyone ontheir spelling, punctuation or grammar - and wouldn't unless it rendered their post unintelligible. Bad grammar doesn't make your opinions less valid.

The advice, is often sage, and in my opinion worth having. CaS a case in point.

A sexual repetoire should (in my opinion) be varied. Too much of the same thing.........which is why us monogomous married folks have to work that bit harder. Sometimes I like intimate sex, sometimes the p0rnstar/jungle variety, sometimes tantric, sometimes a quickie. We've both evolved over the years, we try new things and (very) ocassionally something new makes it onto the list. We never do anything that would make the other uncomfortable (in reality that would make her uncomfortable) but to be honest, I don't have any foibles/kinks that would absolutely disgust her. I'm quite conventional in that sense.

OP posts:
BelaLugosisShed · 21/08/2013 16:49

"We are by no means in a sexless relationship"

What are you whinging about then?

Perhaps when you've been married for as long as I have (almost 30 years) you'll realise that periods of sexual drought are normal , especially with young children around and fact that they take up the majority of time and energy, we are in our late 40's now and between working and bringing up a family, our thirties were very dry sexually, what my husband didn't do was pester me for sex.

We came out the other side and now have a very active sex life. A few years of infrequent sex is nothing in the course of a lifelong marriage.

Helltotheno · 21/08/2013 16:54

sometimes tantric

Jebus, who the fcuk has time for tantric?
I think part of your trouble is this whole aspirational thing you have that a sex life should be this, that or the other. It is what it is OP, in the here and now. You're getting sex (I missed where you said how often) and it sounds like overall you have a nice little life.

It's a bit exasperating the way you're going on as if you're hard done by! The problem is you don't have a problem so just.... get on with it and stop whingeing already!!!

What about a hobby that'll get you looking outward a bit more eh?

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 16:54

I'm 35.

I'm not "Happy to leave her" that's why I posted. You've over-simplified it. I'm not led by my balls, if I were, I'd have gone long ago - or done some of the other truly dispicable things that I've read some blokes on here have done.

Do you know what? I'm a bit of a knob (It's an opinion you've all come to - possibly correctly). But I don't:

Cheat on my wife;
mistreat her;
sleep with prostitutes;
fail to provide for her (or my kids);
fail to support her;
fail to protect her.

I'm proud of my wife and my family. I'm guilty of wanting everything to be perfect (when I know it can't be). I want her to have a happy an fulfillling sex life as much as me. She maitains she have, but becasue I don't - I don't see it.

Lastly, txt spk? When????

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 21/08/2013 16:58

So - even though she maintains that her sex life is fine thank you very much you don't agree with her so you persist with attempting to get her to fdo it more/better/like she means it?

That's how it is coming across.

If you are having sex and she is happy with her sex life and you love her then where is the problem?

Helltotheno · 21/08/2013 16:59

Cheat on my wife;
mistreat her;
sleep with prostitutes;

Aren't you great?!

She's happy with her sex life OP... try listening to her.

EroticTebbit · 21/08/2013 16:59

Bela "A few years of infrequent sex is nothing in the course of a lifelong marriage."

But when does it get too much? What if you haven't been touched in 6 months and your H turns his back on you in bed even when he knows you're breaking your heart? What if one partner wants sex and the other does not, and that it doesn't look like that situation is about to change? Should we put up with feeling undesired?
(Sorry I'm hijacking- as explained upthread, I'm going through similar...)