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Original poster

Gutted: Is this the begining of the End?

580 replies

Contrarian78 · 20/08/2013 14:03

I've happened across these pages by accident (looking for a review of something I was buying) but have read with interest the advice that's given.

I'm a mid-thirties (34) male who is married (9 years) with two children (7 and 3). My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have, up until recently I think, always had a pretty solid relationship.

The one area we do seem to struggle with though is sex. Our sex-drives are massively mis-matched. I try to be understanding and of course we always march to the beat of her drum - which I sort of accept (even if I resent it a little) as there's nothing that would turn me off more than knowing she's doing it out of a sense of wifely duty - we fell into that trap (and never really got out of it) after our son was born.

My wife and I both work full time and split domestic duties evenly (honestly we do!). Having recently realised that we were in real danger of going our separate ways, we have decided to make more of an effort. She acknowledged some things - which was great, and I've made a real effort to not pressure her and be more romantic.

The 'problem' now is that it all seems a little 'forced' it doesn't quite feel natural. I sympathise with her becasue she's damned if she doesn't and damned if she does, but it feels like she's making more of an effort in order to protect the lifestyle we have and not disrupt things for the sake of the kids. I apreciate that, but I honestly don't think she'd choose me if we met today.

This is all made harder because I still fancy her rotten and she's such a kind person. Certainly I'd never cheat on her (we've only ever been with each other) but I do sort of wish that she wanted me as much as I want her. She admits she's not a particularly sexual person. We've done some pretty amazing stuff over the years (though I always feel I have to push it) but it's only when she's had a drink - which makes me a little sad if I'm honest.

Sorry for the long whinge off. It's sort of cathartic to get it off my chest. I feel bad becasue she's lovely and we have really made a good life for ourselves. But at what point might you realise that a split is inevitable?

OP posts:
KellyHopter · 21/08/2013 17:00

Have to agree, I picked up the idea early on that there was almost no sex and what little there was was only grudgingly tolerated by your wife.
I was wrong. Failing to see the need for all this navel-gazing now.

JosiePosiePuddingAndPie · 21/08/2013 17:01

Have you considered going to see your local relate councilor? They offer couples counseling but also sex therapy. While they might not be able to increase your wife's desire to have sex with you they will be able to help you both balance your differing drives and learn how to protect your relationship from this issue. It sounds like you love your wife and are considerate of her feelings and a quick look at the common problems bit on their website offers information about more than one of the things you have mentioned here.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 17:06

That (by her own admission) she doesn't initiate, never suggests new things.....could probably go longer without sex that I could actually she definitely could

That is how it is in fairness she could easily go a fortnight without sex. Probably longer actually. I couldn't. I might be unreasonable, but that's it. I'd have sex every day if I could. Society (and my marriage vowels - which I made -) dictates that I do this in a monogomous relationship. I appreciate that everyday (with a young family) isn't realistic. I was hoping for 2-3 a week. My wife - who I love dearly - thinks more like once a week. Not terrible I know, and when she's initiated, I've happily gone longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 17:10

The thing is, it's not consistent. ONce a week would be tollerable. It probably averages out that way, but with some pretty dry spells in between.

I didn't want a medal by the way for not cheating and not sleeping with prostitutues. I was merely pointing out that although you (rightly) feel a degree of sympathy for my long-suffering wife and I have no doubt that the chorus of LTB would be ringing loudly in her ears if you could speak to her - I'm not an absolute monster. Not really.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 21/08/2013 17:12

Once a week is far more than what lots of people are getting. Other men who post on here would kill for that. You need to get a grip. Now that I know this is about you just wanting to get your end away any time you feel horny, it has totally turned me off you as a person. I feel sorry for her.

The likelihood is that she'll tire of your perceived neediness before you have to do anything about your 'problem'.

Sheesh, what a waste of time!

KellyHopter · 21/08/2013 17:15

Oh my god.

All this, this whiney, pathetic, self-obsessed nonsense because once a week isn't enough??

Div.

BelaLugosisShed · 21/08/2013 17:15

How on earth would you cope if she were long-term ill or you worked away?

Jesus, you think once a fortnight is hard done by?

Try six months , which is how long my husband was sometimes away working, it was regularly 2-3 months for the first 12 years of our marriage.

2-3 times a week with young children around is fantasy island territory for the vast majority of couples, but then I'm sure you know that.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 17:17

That's as maybe. The problem is one of perception. I read plenty on here where I think (but don't say) "You've not really got any cause for complaint" But if a person's feeling rejected, they're feeling rejected. Or whatever other emotion it might be.

OP posts:
BelaLugosisShed · 21/08/2013 17:17

If there isn't a gaggle of wannabe soldiers pissing themselves at this thread then I'm a Dutchman.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 17:20

Listen. If she was ill, then that'd be totally different. I have never once rushed her back into sex after she's given birth I waited until after the midwife had left the room

Seriously though, she accepts that her libido is low. I accept that mine if high. The once a week average is her compromise. This has always been less to do with frequency and more to do with engagement.

I am disappointed in the name calling though.

OP posts:
SunRaysthruClouds · 21/08/2013 17:22

Ah. Actually OP at the beginning I was comparing your situation to my marriage, but now I see it is nothing like it in terms of what you have now.

The basic principle is still the same, in that you have to make a decision, but it is hard to see how the fact she could go for a whole 2 weeks without means that there is a problem. (My exW said 18 months in the same conversation). I am still getting the sense you feel entitled to huge variety, to be jumped on when you walked through the door etc etc.

It is almost like you read somewhere that what it should be like but the reality is very different.

DuelingFanjo · 21/08/2013 17:22

so what you are complaining about is she's not doing it how you would like her to? That once a week she is not doing it the way you would like her to.

whosshe · 21/08/2013 17:23

You keep saying that you love your wife dearly, so why are you an arse towards her and passive aggressive? That's not how you treat people you love dearly.

Do you think that you could find a way to not behave like that, even if the sex was off the cards for a while?

Maybe she would initiate more, if you weren't an arse and keep making this atmosphere at home.

Helltotheno · 21/08/2013 17:23

Feeling rejected because you only get a shag once a week? Ahem... counselling for yourself maybe?

SunRaysthruClouds · 21/08/2013 17:25

It was a subject of interest to me for many years and having heard many opinions I really think your situation is not unusual. However if it is enough to make you feel the way you do then perhaps it would be a good thing to end it.

Either that or put some bromide in your tea.

BelaLugosisShed · 21/08/2013 17:30

You didn't rush her back into sex after she had given birth?
My , that's big of you. Hmm

You are taking the piss, gwan, admit it.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 17:30

DF: Yeah that's pretty much the size of it.

Seriously I am coming to the realisation that I might have a problem - and didn't rule this out from the begining.

I hadn't realised that my behaviour was passive agressive - it's not something I'd even heard of before snooping on these boards. I absolutely will find a way not to behave like that - as I accept that it's not fair on her. sometimes though (and this happened recently) I'll be upset becasue I've been rejected and she'll ask "what's wrong" (she knows). I say "nothing I'm o.k." and she flips out. An argument ensues when actually all I wanted was a few minutes to get over having the arseache.

OP posts:
Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 17:33

Well yes, I was (obviously) taking the p with that comment.

Seriously though I didn't. I never made her feel that I was getting inpatient, or that she should be focussed on anything other than the baby. Again, I'm not asking for medals - it's just I've noted nore than one lady on here making that exact complaint.

OP posts:
whosshe · 21/08/2013 17:45

She might be doing that to force the argument, because it's better than dealing with the mr grumpy. Perhaps aware that a couple of days of grumpy balls is on the cards, she escalates the situation to an argument right away to clear the air.

Maybe you should say, when she asks what's wrong, is that you are feeling a bit rejected because she didn't want to have sex with you, BUT that you understand that she should not have to have sex just because you want to, and you are going to try and not be a grump about it like you have been in the past. Tell her that you know that you being an arse is horrible for the whole family, and it's been causing problems. Then say something like, how about I pour you a nice glass of wine and we forget about me pestering you. I love you very much, and I have been an arse about this whole sex thing. Lets just enjoy each other, without me asking for sex all the time, and we can just do sexy things when we BOTH feel like it. I'm sorry about being an arse and I'm going to try and change.

If you find it happens again, and mr grumpy is raising its head again, maybe she wanted a cuddle and you read it wrong and thought it was a sex thing, but it wasn't so now you are feeling rejected. She thinks you are being an arse again, maybe you have a arse face on, so she asks you what's wrong. Just ask, am I being an arse again? I'm really sorry I am trying to stop being an arse, I read the signals wrong and was feeling rejected again, but you just wanted a cuddle. I'm going to snap out of it right now. Sorry about that, I am trying not to do it anymore.

Oh and you have to stop being an arse too, of course.

whosshe · 21/08/2013 17:48

Ps. I think you are stonewalling to some degree, especially as you said that you are saying nothing is wrong to try and cover up your heartache, when your demeanour seems to be enough to upset your wife into an argument.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 17:50

I'm going to print that off. That is exactly the sort of practical thing I need. I've tried something similar in the past - but probably didn't do too well on the stoping being an arse - and to be honest, she still (understandably got the hump. I will try it again though with that script.

OP posts:
whosshe · 21/08/2013 17:51

This is going to be terrible if I turn my husband down tonight and then get that script read to me word for word....

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 17:53

Don't turn him down then Grin

OP posts:
whosshe · 21/08/2013 17:56

It's ok, I'm going to feed him a massive curry and a big G&T, he will be asleep on the sofa by nine thirty. More than one way to skin a cat.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/08/2013 18:05

Thing is, mate, you don't actually want a compromise. You're not interested in whether or not yur wife is happy, you have come on here looking for a magic formula to make her open her legs more often, more enthusiastically. There is no such thing. If you have a partner with a lower sex drive than you then twice a month is the sort of compromise a marriage guidance counsellor would be aiming for. Because there is nothing wrong with your wife's libido being lower than yoursz, and a compromise means something that both of you are comfortable with.

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