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Original poster

Gutted: Is this the begining of the End?

580 replies

Contrarian78 · 20/08/2013 14:03

I've happened across these pages by accident (looking for a review of something I was buying) but have read with interest the advice that's given.

I'm a mid-thirties (34) male who is married (9 years) with two children (7 and 3). My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have, up until recently I think, always had a pretty solid relationship.

The one area we do seem to struggle with though is sex. Our sex-drives are massively mis-matched. I try to be understanding and of course we always march to the beat of her drum - which I sort of accept (even if I resent it a little) as there's nothing that would turn me off more than knowing she's doing it out of a sense of wifely duty - we fell into that trap (and never really got out of it) after our son was born.

My wife and I both work full time and split domestic duties evenly (honestly we do!). Having recently realised that we were in real danger of going our separate ways, we have decided to make more of an effort. She acknowledged some things - which was great, and I've made a real effort to not pressure her and be more romantic.

The 'problem' now is that it all seems a little 'forced' it doesn't quite feel natural. I sympathise with her becasue she's damned if she doesn't and damned if she does, but it feels like she's making more of an effort in order to protect the lifestyle we have and not disrupt things for the sake of the kids. I apreciate that, but I honestly don't think she'd choose me if we met today.

This is all made harder because I still fancy her rotten and she's such a kind person. Certainly I'd never cheat on her (we've only ever been with each other) but I do sort of wish that she wanted me as much as I want her. She admits she's not a particularly sexual person. We've done some pretty amazing stuff over the years (though I always feel I have to push it) but it's only when she's had a drink - which makes me a little sad if I'm honest.

Sorry for the long whinge off. It's sort of cathartic to get it off my chest. I feel bad becasue she's lovely and we have really made a good life for ourselves. But at what point might you realise that a split is inevitable?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 21/08/2013 15:23

how do they clean it up 'in the movies'?

LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 15:25

The video usually ends before that bit. Generally the chap pulls out his chap, makes some noise, and dumps his load either on her downstairs, tits, or face. I'm sure wet wipes are then found but you don't see that bit.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 15:26

LPL: All joking aside, it was slightly hurtful. I used humour to deflect and I remember that she played along as it didn't really seem a good thing to start an argument about.

DF: I'm not going to be drawn on this (I'll get flamed) but suffice to say, those girls tend to be quite hungry. I'm not talking hollywood blockbuster movies here.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 15:29

Ironically, the more usual ending of just coming inside someone is fetishised and called a "cream pie".

Joanbakes · 21/08/2013 15:31

There's such huge variation that poll results would probably be almost meaningless. But for sex the early stages of a relationship seem to often be the best. After that, for a variety of reasons, it's all downhill for some, and what was at the beginning just never comes back.
As with almost everything there'll will be exceptions, of course.

I think Coffeeandscones earlier idea of privately setting a time limit was brilliant and quite practical too.
After that you could then see if you really wanted to go on living as you are, not having any reason to expect anything to change. Or else make some kind of a change yourself, and that's no matter what your wife wants or doesn't want. It would be a positive decision made by you on your own initiative.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 15:32

LPL: Not really an option for us as we don't use birth control. It is the best sex ever though. As it is, I'm really on tenterhooks - something which also decreases my enjoyment God I sound like a right whinger - even by my own admission

OP posts:
Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 15:34

CaS's advice has been banked. Eminently sensible. Very much appreciated.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 15:36

ah, that's why you pull out. OK.

If Mrs C really doesn't want to have sex very often, I feel it would only be fair of her to allow you a little guiltless private time to get it out of your system on your own. She seems to have it both ways at the moment (no pun intended) in that you can't have her and you can't have your hand (without repercussions).

Vivacia · 21/08/2013 15:40

I really don't understand this. Why would someone post on here and paint such a bad picture of themselves? Or can you just not help yourself?

This was a classic in response to your misogynistic "joke", I meant no offence, but didn't honestly think anyone on here took themselves so seriously as to get offended by something like that.. You sound a right catch.

EroticTebbit · 21/08/2013 15:40

Hello Contrarian.
I am in a very similar position to you. My H just doesn't want sex with me any more, and though we are best friends, he is wonderful, and is, in fact, the loveliest person I've ever met, we have decided to separate.
Every 6 months or so, I would get upset after being rejected yet again, and would tell him that I was unhappy with the lack of intimacy, it was affecting my self esteem, I felt unloved etc etc. He would apologise, and I would get one, maybe two, pity fucks. Horrible, degrading stuff.

By the end, after nearly a year without sex, I realized that it wasn't fair on him to be put under that pressure, and that "I want you to want to fuck me!" was an impossible demand on my behalf. I also realized that I would start to dislike him if we continued as we were. I, like you, feel a bit ridiculous for splitting up the family over a sexual issue- But then, sexual issues are rarely stand-alone. I may not ever meet anyone else I want to sleep with, but I am no longer living with someone who knows me so well, yet doesn't want me.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 15:41

oh, I should have made it clearer. I don't pull out because I'm some Ron Jeremy wannabe. We don't have an effective means of birth control.

I've booked in to have a vasectomy, but to be brutally honest, I'm not keen (though would go through with it). My wife would like more children (even though we couldn't with the relationship being the way it is) and I feel that if I went through with it now, she'd think I was doing it to punish her.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 15:43

What's wrong with condoms?

Your wife seems to think everything is being done to punish her. There really are a lot of issues going on here.

LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 15:44

EroticTebbit - it seems to me a perfectly valid reason to leave someone.

Joanbakes · 21/08/2013 15:46

But where do people get the idea that marriage equals regular sex? It just doesn't. They're completely misguided.

EroticTebbit · 21/08/2013 15:46

Thank Lois - I am struggling a bit with it at the moment, and I think my H secretly thinks I'm being a bit unreasonable (though he's far too nice to say it.)

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 15:48

Vivacia: I think /hope you'll find me more honest than most. It would be quite easy for me to paint a great picture of myslef (I'm bright enough to know what to say in order to get the response i want - most of the time) but I think it would be a little bit disingeuous to say the least. Most people on here set themselves up as being totally reasonable and only give the side of the story, or the facts, which paint them in the best possible light. That would be pointless in my opion.

Like most people on here, I'm not perfect. Although this is anonymous, so I could pretend to be.

I read one post on here a few weeks back, in which a lady/girl was bemoaning the fact that her partner/husband was smoking again having previously given up. She was rightly worried about the effect it would have on their daughter (even though she acknowledged he smoked outside). The husband/partner later posted to say that he had only started smoking again as his wife/partner had been unfaiutful on a trip to Turkey. I'm not sure she even bothered to respond.

OP posts:
Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 15:50

She doesn't like condoms. I'm not crazy about them, but have no real objection.

I may be being over-sensitive to the fact that she'd feel punsihed. But as she's said she'd like more children, I don't think it's totally unreasonable to think she might look dimly upon me taking the decision unileterally. We've already established that my balls and their contents don't belong to me!

OP posts:
Joanbakes · 21/08/2013 15:52

Don't even dream of having a vasectomy!
If you have it and later split up, as seems likely, you'll find that some women whom you may meet in the future will consider this a huge obstacle to developing a relationship with you once you tell them.
In your circumstances it would be an extremely foolish thing to do. You'll ruin your chances.

Vivacia · 21/08/2013 15:52

Contrarian you appear to pride yourself in being honest, you've mentioned it a few times, and I think you're right that it's a good thing. However, you can only give us one side, I'm sure if your wife were posting we'd naturally get a very different view of your relationship and just how reasonable you are.

Also, apart from the tasteless, offensive "jokes" you think are ok to share, where's the honesty? Honesty is not synonomous with misogyny.

LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 15:58

If she doesn't like condoms, there are other things - the diaphragm for example. There seems to be a lot of punishing going on. You punish her if you want sex or have a wank. She punishes you by resisting all sensible attempts to use contraceptionn (there are several non-hormonal things to try) and making you pull out which, really, is a shit method and must make your orgasm a bit spoiled.

Lots of punishing.

DuelingFanjo · 21/08/2013 15:58

Something smells of sockpuppetry.

CoffeeandScones · 21/08/2013 15:59

joan I'd agree that marriage doesn't equal regular sex, but then I don't think marriage equals anything necessarily. I'm sure some marriages feature regular sex and some don't. Isn't what's important whether both parties are happy in their marriage?

There do seem to be a number of issues that are making both the OP and his DW unhappy. Sex appears to be the 'outlet' for these problems but it seems to be more complex than simply frequency and enthusiasm.

LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 16:00

Do you think, DuelingFanjo?

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 16:02

You're right, I can only give one side - but I try and do it in as even handed a way as possible; and I defniitely pride myself on at least attempting to provide the facts (admittedly as I see them) even if they don't paint me in the most positive light. I don't do that for any sort of adulation; but rather becasue I'm more likely to get useful feedback if I do. HOw easy would it be to present myself as being utterly perfect so that all the feedback I got told me my wife was being utterly unreasonable and that I should leave her?

The honesty is in making the jokes (to a degree). In avoiding toally slagging off my wife. In ackowledging that I'm often an ar5ehole when I haven't had my own way. Shall I go on?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 21/08/2013 16:02

yes, but mumsnet rules say I am not allowed to suggest that joanbakes has only joined up to support the OP. So I won't