Gutted: Is this the begining of the End?

[Contrarian78]

I've happened across these pages by accident (looking for a review of something I was buying) but have read with interest the advice that's given.

I'm a mid-thirties (34) male who is married (9 years) with two children (7 and 3). My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have, up until recently I think, always had a pretty solid relationship.

The one area we do seem to struggle with though is sex. Our sex-drives are massively mis-matched. I try to be understanding and of course we always march to the beat of her drum - which I sort of accept (even if I resent it a little) as there's nothing that would turn me off more than knowing she's doing it out of a sense of wifely duty - we fell into that trap (and never really got out of it) after our son was born.

My wife and I both work full time and split domestic duties evenly (honestly we do!). Having recently realised that we were in real danger of going our separate ways, we have decided to make more of an effort. She acknowledged some things - which was great, and I've made a real effort to not pressure her and be more romantic.

The 'problem' now is that it all seems a little 'forced' it doesn't quite feel natural. I sympathise with her becasue she's damned if she doesn't and damned if she does, but it feels like she's making more of an effort in order to protect the lifestyle we have and not disrupt things for the sake of the kids. I apreciate that, but I honestly don't think she'd choose me if we met today.

This is all made harder because I still fancy her rotten and she's such a kind person. Certainly I'd never cheat on her (we've only ever been with each other) but I do sort of wish that she wanted me as much as I want her. She admits she's not a particularly sexual person. We've done some pretty amazing stuff over the years (though I always feel I have to push it) but it's only when she's had a drink - which makes me a little sad if I'm honest.

Sorry for the long whinge off. It's sort of cathartic to get it off my chest. I feel bad becasue she's lovely and we have really made a good life for ourselves. But at what point might you realise that a split is inevitable?

ON a serious note, she's convinced that becasue of our mismatched sex drives, I've been going elsewhere. That REALLY hurts. I just can't seem to get across how much I love her which makes her rejection especially painful. Suggestions welcome.

"Perhaps her sex issues run deep, maybe she has been made to feel ashamed of her body, or doesn't like her body post childbirth. Or maybe it was the way she was brought up. Maybe she is worried that she will be expected to discuss these things at counselling."

or perhaps the way her 'D'H treats her during and after sex is disrespectful.

Fwiw I think Cooffeeandsconeshas made several eminently sensible points.

Sorry, but|I was imagining you had sex inside her 9 times out of 10 at least!

in fact whoisshe - should we really be going down the 'she doesn't want to have sex so there must be something medically/mentally wrong with her'? Perhaps she just doesn't want to have sex with her husband because she finds the whole idea of having sex with him foul.

I hope she isn't ashamed of her body. It's taken a bit of a battering, but I love her and it all the more for it. Frankly, she was never sexier than when she's been pregnant.

I certianly wouldn't disrespect her during sex and I hope I don't afterwards. I've asked her (because it really bothered me) and she said that I don't.

She is certainly worried that we'd discuss these things at counselling - we're (both) quite private people in that respect.

DF: Then I wish she'd just say. I've asked her outright - and she'd have no reason to fear anything other than an 'I'm absolutely gutted, but at least I know where I stand' response.

I'd be pleased if someone left a paltry deposit.

DF - you are right, I worded that totally wrong, what I was trying to suggest was that perhaps contrarian doesn't have the whole picture about how she feels about sex, or that they need to communicate better about sex somehow.

It's totally plausible that she is more than happy with herself sexually, and it's just that she doesn't want to have sex with a man who asks her to "lick it up"

It seems to me that you actually get a bit more sex than probably thousands of other men. You should think yourself fairly lucky in comparison to some.
Some men seem to get none, or almost none at all. or very little compared to what they want.
Those who are bothered by this solve it in different ways. They do without, wank in private, pay for sex, have affairs, leave and find someone else, or a mixture of these. And such is Britain today...

Come on, be fair. I only said that in response/retailiation to her comment. Doesn't make it right, but do try and keep things in context.

Some wank in public. But the often get arrested.

Out of interest, what did she say to the suggestion that she lick it up?

And some even get other men to help them out...

Joanbakes: ONe of the other things I guess I should take a straw poll on (not that it'll make a significant difference) is what would be a normal/reasonable average for a couple in our situation - working, kids, etc. etc.

It'd be helpful I guess becasue there's every chance I'm in the wrong.

Also, whilst I think about it, she was like a woman posessed when we concieved our kids. It was great but they were both concieved within two months of trying - the eldest a month! I don't in any way mean to be disrespectful to people who are struggling.

Very true, Joan. A gay friend of mine tells me that an awful lot of the chaps he meets in parks for recreation etc are married to women.

LPL: She laughed it off. We do laugh an awful lot. I think she was a little bit cross though if I'm honest.

Cross that you had asked her to lick it or that your amount was pitiful?

LPL: Just so we're clear............That's not my game. Although I'm convinced my wife's friends husband is those [married men that are actually gay]

Contrarian - I can see how you could make a silly comment in response to someone assessing your deposit. Is a little strange.

I could make lots of guesses what is going on here, but in the end only your wife knows. If she's not a big fan of porn, or you wanking to porn, then she may feel like you ARE being affected by porn and what you expect her to do. Maybe making comments like 'lick it up' doesn't help with that. What does she say about porn? Has she told you how she feels about it or you watching it?

both.

I don't think the married men my friend meets are actually gay - although some eventually come out. They are just men who like other men occasionally on the way home.

It would never occur to me to question the amount of product. It always seems to go too far anyway. Armpits. Sofa. To me it would be comparable to someone telling me I'm not wet enough.

whosshe: She's become a little more accepting of it - it's not something I do regularly as I can sort of see that it's slightly disrespectful to her.

I think she's accepting it as a compromise that leaves neither of us happy or fulfilled (a compromise by definition I suppose). It's certainly - for both of us - better than any of the alternatives outlined above.