Gutted: Is this the begining of the End?

[Contrarian78]

I've happened across these pages by accident (looking for a review of something I was buying) but have read with interest the advice that's given.

I'm a mid-thirties (34) male who is married (9 years) with two children (7 and 3). My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have, up until recently I think, always had a pretty solid relationship.

The one area we do seem to struggle with though is sex. Our sex-drives are massively mis-matched. I try to be understanding and of course we always march to the beat of her drum - which I sort of accept (even if I resent it a little) as there's nothing that would turn me off more than knowing she's doing it out of a sense of wifely duty - we fell into that trap (and never really got out of it) after our son was born.

My wife and I both work full time and split domestic duties evenly (honestly we do!). Having recently realised that we were in real danger of going our separate ways, we have decided to make more of an effort. She acknowledged some things - which was great, and I've made a real effort to not pressure her and be more romantic.

The 'problem' now is that it all seems a little 'forced' it doesn't quite feel natural. I sympathise with her becasue she's damned if she doesn't and damned if she does, but it feels like she's making more of an effort in order to protect the lifestyle we have and not disrupt things for the sake of the kids. I apreciate that, but I honestly don't think she'd choose me if we met today.

This is all made harder because I still fancy her rotten and she's such a kind person. Certainly I'd never cheat on her (we've only ever been with each other) but I do sort of wish that she wanted me as much as I want her. She admits she's not a particularly sexual person. We've done some pretty amazing stuff over the years (though I always feel I have to push it) but it's only when she's had a drink - which makes me a little sad if I'm honest.

Sorry for the long whinge off. It's sort of cathartic to get it off my chest. I feel bad becasue she's lovely and we have really made a good life for ourselves. But at what point might you realise that a split is inevitable?

You cannot allow her to keep what is already hers. She earned it; it is hers. You do not allow that.

What you both decide about household expenses, is another matter. But saying that you allow her to keep her own earned money is taking us back to the 19th century. And I'm not joking.

Of course you had expectations of her

I never expected these things to happen. Expectation puts a weight of obligation on somebody. I was more interested in helping her develop into a decent adult than fulfilling my ideas of what she should be.

LPL: The bank/school/Eon/Waterboard/Insurance co/etc. Don't 'allow' me to keep my money.

I don't resent (all of) it.

I'm not sure how my wife having financial freedom (whether I'm deemed to allow it or not) has become an issue.

Hi OP, this is really interesting for me to read. You sound so like my husband. We are actually very like you as a couple. Both 31, together 12 years, 2 children. He is a wonderful man, provider, father, like you. We have mismatched sex drives too, he would ideally like to have sex every other day, Id be happy to go without for WEEKS (maybe even longer) just like your wife. Also Ive never masturbated.

Ill just tell you what works for us, although I can see that you aren't interested in "duty sex"

We have compromised with sex every 3rd day. Sounds like it would be a total chore for me and not at all fulfilling for him, but the thing is I fancy him SO much, I could really kiss him and touch him for hours. Its just the penis in vagina feels so pointless to me. But its still nice, being close to him and having time together. Im fine with BJs but wouldn't want oral back thanks.

My husband would love to give me orgasms, he would be thrilled. So thats pretty cool that you manage that, when your wife has so little interest in sex otherwise. I think some people are just not very sexual beings.

What Im trying to say is - what is so awful about her having sex to make you happy? If she loves you and wants to do something nice for you? Even if she isn't feeling turned on particularly? Its no difference to a massage really (to me) I get all to grope him all I want while he gets PIV.
This is assuming she like kissing and touching you of course. Do you think she fancies you physically?

Oh, I know exactly what you mean when you say you get grumpy from a build up of testosterone. I truly believe its a physical reaction.. and I do think that some men really do almost NEED a certain amount of sex.

I bet she gets a lot of happiness from the fact that you DO pester her for sex.. I do. Id be horrified at the thought of a sexless marriage.

Ive been thinking about this female Viagra recently. I feel so different from these women who go off and pleasure themselves for fun... Im sure Im missing out on something.

You are exhausting. All the over thinking and manipulating and competing. It is a miracle she hasn't left you.

I'm going to hide this thread too, now.

OP, you have lost a lot of sympathy and empathy here. I have nothing further to say.

You almost certainly did.

Of course there's a weight of obligation - though not too onerous for most of us. had she been rude, spiteful, etc. at any time (and I'm sure she was - we all were/are) you no doubt would have called her on it. That's what parenting is about. You couldn't have had no expectations. You just couldn't.

Strokey: That's where we did get to. Because I'm an idiot, it wasn't enough. I kpet pushing for more - becasue I felt it woas something that we should be enjoying together - rather than something I should do to her (even though she was admittedly fine with that.)

My wife isn't fine with blow-jobs by the way. And that has casued some issues.

Oh you poor poor thing.

Your wife is being bulled, manipulated and pestered for more and more sex wise. But she won't give you a blow job. Well boohoo, my heart bleeds for you.

Go and get some counselling and sort yourself out.

and I do think that some men really do almost NEED a certain amount of sex

No. No they don't. However, they have convinced themselves they need a certain amount of sex. In other words, entitlement. There is no documented evidence anywhere that people need sex.

Sex is a want, the scratching of an itch, an expression of love or intimacy, fun, a diversion.... many other things. It is not a need.
Food, water and sleep are needs.

Please don't perpetuate this myth.

You are not likeable OP and you would benefit from therapy.

God. I've just read this whole thread. I now have a little bit of sick in my mouth and a really horrible uncomfortable feeling. Instinct I suppose. It's there for a reason. I only want to say this and then I'm hiding this. OP you are every woman's worst nightmare. You are abusive, but not overtly. You are manipulative. You are entitled. You are a liar. You are a fantasist. You, and only you, need professional help. Get it.

I feel so so sorry for your poor wife.

Why on EARTH would she leave a husband who clearly adores her and wants nothing more than to make her happy?? He sounds about as far from a bully as you can get.

OP, don't knock yourself - you don't sound like an idiot. You want her to want sex with you? Rather than doing it to please you? That sounds kind and thoughtful to me. Im sure plenty of men are happy with the act alone. You want "more" because you love her and want to make her happy.

My husband is the same, BJ are fine for me, but I can imagine he would be disappointed to wipe out that experience from his future if I wasn't up for it.

Your analogy of foot-stroking is exactly how I feel about BJ, I like to do it because he clearly loves it so much. It not a turn on for me exactly, but I get pleasure from giving him pleasure.

So she DOES still fancy you then? Still gropes you when you come out the shower, undoes your shirt etc?

Tramadol is a opiate and can cause distorted thinking. Maybe read the thread again when its worn off.

When you say you 'pushed her for more' on your week without the kids, what exactly do you mean?

Yes. We had sex then. She really enjoyed it. We actually did it twice. During the second round, (after she'd asked for something) I asked for a BJ. She HIT THE ROOF - like I'd asked her to do something unspeakable. It created a bit of ill feeling.

I have, during the course of this thread, realised a few uncomfortable things about myself (I'm not the victim I understand that) and I did it with a fair few people laughing at me, attacking me and belittling me. I'm a big boy and I can take it. It's been quite a journey. I've spoken with my wife this morning and apologised (again) profusely and offered to get the help that I need.

I accept that I've been manipulative, and I'm disgusted with myself. I never ever set out to hurt my wife. It's hard for us as this relationship is all we've ever known. I can't imagine I was always like this.

I'll manage my expectations in the hope that I can get things back on track. My wife knows me better than anyone alive. She knows that I've lost my way. Neither of us have handled it well (though I take the lion's share of the blame) and we've ended up here.

I probably do sound like a "worst nightmare" for many of you, but my wife loves me (still) and I her. Couples lose their way all the time (though this is the worst it's been for us) but with a different perspective - as I've had here - they can find it again. Things aren't going to be perfect straight away, and who knows, they might never be, but I do feel now that I'm facing the right way.

I of course am not representative of all men, but I'm typical of a fair number I know. I hope you've benefitted from my candour.

Strokey you need to read the full thread. Also, I have sympathy for you that your sex life is all about feeding your husband's insatiable needs in case not getting it sends him over the edge and nothing about your own sexual pleasure. Sad.

In response to strokey: yes she does still fancy me, but I no longer get groped coming out of the shower, as I don't leave it there.....

Wow this is all so familiar to me, my ex husband was like this. All sweetness and light in every other way, supportive financially, passive (as far as others were concerned) and calm and collected which often made me look like an unreasonable bitch in any argument.

But when it came to sex he would moan, complain whinge and whine, argue and bit by bit wear me down until until I had sex with him just to shut him up. It permeated every part of our life together and destroyed any feelings I had for him. He didn't see it as bullying either, he said he wanted to bring us closer together by having sex. In reality he was a deluded self centred shit (similar to how you're coming across) and when I finally left I felt so much relief, like the world had been lifted off my shoulders.

Eventually the nightmares that I was still married to him wore off and I got on with my now wonderful life with my current husband who has never pressured me for sex because he is a grown up adult man and not a little boy ruled by his libido.

I hope your wife someday experiences the same sense of relief and freedom because it is way better than sex

"I hope you've benefitted from my candour"

Now that made me laugh - I can just see all the MNers taking copious notes to learn how relationships should work.

I've put it out there, warts and all - even though it's been uncomfortable at times. That's what I meant by candour. I certainly didn't hold it up as an example of how relationships whoudl work - quite the opposite in fact. You'd have to be a little dense to draw the conclusion you have.

to AGT, I've realised that I'm the same way as your ex-husband. I'll try and change - because my wife deserves that.

Post of the thread goes to Artemisia.... you need look no further than that to see your future OP....

Oh and, I hate to break to you, she doesn't fancy you, she's just going thru the motions to get you to STFU. You don't need a qualification to pull off an act and that goes for orgasms an' all.

Its a fact that men generally have higher sex drives than women.

What do you think all the other husbands do if they want a lot less sex than their wife? Just put up with it?

Marriage is about compromise, why should it always be the bloke who compromises? Whats so wrong with finding a middle ground where the wife has a bit more sex than she would like and the husband has a bit less??

How on earth would you know if OPs wife fancies him Hell? Its perfectly possible to find someone physically attractive without having much sex drive. Do you really think that if she met the right guy she would be gagging for it??

Its NOTHING to do with OP or his behaviour.

Artemisia - if you don't mind, how often do you have sex?

Do you really think that if she met the right guy she would be gagging for it??

Actually I think there's a high chance of that, yes. Girl doesn't know any different right now.

firstly helltotheno, weren't you going to er.....do one? Your contributions have long since ceased to be constructive/insightful.

You don't know my wife. I'm certain she isn't faking, but I don't particularly care for what you think. If she doesn't want an orgasm (which she doesn't sometimes) she doesn't have one.

I love my wife enough to want her to be happy. I've been misguided to think that a sex life that she's satisfied with, wasn't enough. If she would be happier with someone else, I'd want that for her - even though it would be incredibly painful.