Gutted: Is this the begining of the End?

[Contrarian78]

I've happened across these pages by accident (looking for a review of something I was buying) but have read with interest the advice that's given.

I'm a mid-thirties (34) male who is married (9 years) with two children (7 and 3). My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have, up until recently I think, always had a pretty solid relationship.

The one area we do seem to struggle with though is sex. Our sex-drives are massively mis-matched. I try to be understanding and of course we always march to the beat of her drum - which I sort of accept (even if I resent it a little) as there's nothing that would turn me off more than knowing she's doing it out of a sense of wifely duty - we fell into that trap (and never really got out of it) after our son was born.

My wife and I both work full time and split domestic duties evenly (honestly we do!). Having recently realised that we were in real danger of going our separate ways, we have decided to make more of an effort. She acknowledged some things - which was great, and I've made a real effort to not pressure her and be more romantic.

The 'problem' now is that it all seems a little 'forced' it doesn't quite feel natural. I sympathise with her becasue she's damned if she doesn't and damned if she does, but it feels like she's making more of an effort in order to protect the lifestyle we have and not disrupt things for the sake of the kids. I apreciate that, but I honestly don't think she'd choose me if we met today.

This is all made harder because I still fancy her rotten and she's such a kind person. Certainly I'd never cheat on her (we've only ever been with each other) but I do sort of wish that she wanted me as much as I want her. She admits she's not a particularly sexual person. We've done some pretty amazing stuff over the years (though I always feel I have to push it) but it's only when she's had a drink - which makes me a little sad if I'm honest.

Sorry for the long whinge off. It's sort of cathartic to get it off my chest. I feel bad becasue she's lovely and we have really made a good life for ourselves. But at what point might you realise that a split is inevitable?

Well update: I tried to raise the issue last night and kicked off with an acknowledgement that I do get tetchy when I haven't had sex for a few days and that I'd make a conscious effort not to let it affect everyone else. She went absolutely bat-shit and immediately shut down the debate (probably recognising that this was some part of a broader strategy).

We both said things we probably shouldn't and (not surprisingly) she said she'd had enough and would leave-before stomping off to the spare room.

It's been noted several times that we have a pretty good lifestyle. My wife and started with nothing (we're not millionaires by the way -but we do ok). Because of my need for continuous improvement we have more than most and certainly more than we need. My wife was happy to go along with that (and I'm in no way blaming her) when that meant a larger house, better cars, private education. Because I'm an absolute bell-end, I applied the same process to my marriage - and in particular our sex-life. My wife recognised this fairly early on (but frustratingly didn't mention anything until last night) and basically shut up shop because she didn't know where it might end.

So, I'm left contemplating counseling on my own (something she's not keen on because she'll know I'll apply the analysis more broadly -she knows I've been getting 'help' of sorts because of my change in tack - and it bothers her.

So, all in all be careful what you wish for.

What do you mean about applying the same process to your marriage?

God what a knob.

And what do you mean by (probably recognising that this was some part of a broader strategy).

Sorry if I'm being a bit dozy - haven't had coffee yet.

My advice OP:
Forget the counselling, waste of money
Be thankful for what you have got - nice wife, great lifestyle, kids etc
If you get the horn, just sneak off and knock one out somewhere, then move on
Alternatively, consider chemical castration

And - sorry - when you say basically shut up shop because she didn't know where it might end, were you asking her to do more and more and more adventurous things?

See my comment re stockings/suspenders above - I think if women suspect it is the framing that turns you on rather than the picture, they withdraw.

Or yes, what ageofgrandillusion said. Just knock one out.

I suspect she knows him very well and that his clever strategies are just another attempt to get her to comply and open her legs a bit more, rather than have an honest and open communication about both their feelings.
He obviously thinks she owes him sex whenever and however he wants it, what with him being the great provider and all.

Sorry but you're a selfish arse. You basically think giving her a lifestyle should net you a nightly blowjob. And please stop putting these ridiculous disclaimers in brackets. As transparent as all get out you are.
After all everyone here had said, you're still forcing her to discuss this as an 'issue'?

I fervently hope the fog lifts for this lady and she kicks your sorry entitled ass to the kerb.

I wonder if, instead of announcing you are going to strive not to be tetchy although your ballbag is fit to burst, instead of that if you just didn't get tetchy, it might help. So no announcements, just behave more reasonably. And reasonably means realising that two weeks without sex is nothing. Nothing at all. Really.

You expect her to service you regularly for her nice lifestyle? You get worse and worse OP.

She is having sex with you a fair amount already - why are you putting her off by demanding more when you know she doesn't want to? And you might not think you are 'demanding' but you are.

As a kind of aside, can anybody remember the Viz strip, Buster Gonad and his Unfeasably Large Testicles?

Yes

I would tell you to get a grip, but it sounds like you're already doing too much of that.

Or not enough.

Porn ruins sex because it becomes about pushing abstract boundaries rather than finding true intimacy with your partner. OP is a case in point. He is insecure because he's only ever had one partner so is now trying to chase some fantasy that has nothing to do with his wife and everything to do with his own well- worn genitals. He's trying to collect all the badges for different sexual skills because he is competing with a load of faceless cocks on the Internet. It is ruining his marriage because she wants intimacy rather than some kind of sexual olympics, but he can't see it.

OP, did you mean that as your lifestyle was "upgraded", you wanted an "upgraded" sex life too? You mention continuous improvement, but a sexual relationship does not proceed in the same way business does, as I'm sure you realise. You can buy a newer, bigger car or house to demonstrate your upward trajectory, but love and sex can't be measured like that.

In striving for more and better sex, you seem to have overlooked that this striving is more likely to result in less and worse sex.

I've had my coffee now.

I think (but don't particularly care) that I've been treated harshly. I've acknowledged that I'm more likely in the wrong. The last comment from Sheshelob is probably correct to a point.

My wife does know me well, and she was right that I do tend to approach these matters over something that can be negotiated over. I will often "win" the arguement or wear her down and then when things inevitably don't improve, it starts all over again.

For what it's worth - and yes I may be a knob (though some might be above name calling) I think you've all had a pretty decent insight into what makes some of us blokes tick. You might be incredulous, but I know that I'm not that unusual (among my peer group). Where I am perhaps unusual, is that I've stuck it out this far, without resorting to any of the other things that some other blokes do (I'd never even heard of AdultfriendFinder before coming on here). Mock and ridcule all you like. I don't want to come across as the victim here - but I'm just a pretty ordinary bloke, with (it seems) an off-the-scale sex drive/unreasonable expectation of his wife.

Just leave your put-upon wife alone, enter a professional arrangement, and pay for it.

I think you've all had a pretty decent insight into what makes some of us blokes tick.

I already had a decent insight into what makes most blokes I know tick and it isn't what makes you tick. Don't speak for men you don't know.

LPL: That's it exactly. Sadly.

By the way, I've never once suggested that my reward for providing should be nightly blow-jobs. As I've previously said, we started with nothing. Although what we have is broadly down to my effort - she's been with me every step of the way and has contributed.

It'd be (perhaps) different if she'd been parachuted into that lifestyle.

Morning contrarian, I think it may be a good thing that you had some sort of discussion last night about this, as your wife has revealed something interesting at least that you had not spotted in your relationship.

I think what you are saying is that you are very driven, and always striving for better. As you say this can be very beneficial in general life, but has not been of benefit to your sex life, as your wife has not been happy with the direction things have been going and 'shut up shop'.

At least though this is now out in the open, and you can have a think about what this means, and how you would like to handle things. It sounds like you were not aware that your wife was not enjoying the 'improvements' you have been trying to make to your sex life.

It's good to recognise that your need for continuous improvement can work ok in some areas of life, with perhaps less input from your wife, but in some areas she needs to be a considered party to any changes you implement. She might be happy with you taking the lead on things like home improvements, getting a new shed for the garden, changing the family lasagne recipe, or choosing a new family car. It sounds like she has not been happy on your taking the lead with the sex life improvements you have decided on.

How do you normally handle your 'need for continuous improvement' between you?

Also, it can be exhausting if the other person feels that you are trying to improve things because you are not happy, or perhaps won't ever be happy with your lot.

You do sound a bit high maintainence at the moment, and your wife has said that you are a bit needy currently, this can also be exhausting when you also have some understandably needy little people to look after as well as a husband who is imposing 'improvements' on you.

What do you think about what she said last night?

Helltotheno:

Please learn to read.

"a pretty decent insight into what makes some of us blokes tick.

I will often "win" the arguement or wear her down and then when things inevitably don't improve, it starts all over again. You do realise that is bordering on abuse, don't you?

Where I am perhaps unusual, is that I've stuck it out this far

What have you "stuck out" so far? A better than average marriage where you get more than average amounts of sex? Well done for sticking it out.

I'm not mocking, or ridiculing. You have what other people would aspire to, but you can't see it - an I don't mean the material stuff, that is irrelevant.

Also, I totally agree with sheshelob, porn does ruin intimate sex sometimes, it's such an unrealistic expectation. From a women's point of view it's not sexy at all to feel that you being expected to play a part the bloke saw in a movie. Makes you feel like a puppet.