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Original poster

Gutted: Is this the begining of the End?

580 replies

Contrarian78 · 20/08/2013 14:03

I've happened across these pages by accident (looking for a review of something I was buying) but have read with interest the advice that's given.

I'm a mid-thirties (34) male who is married (9 years) with two children (7 and 3). My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have, up until recently I think, always had a pretty solid relationship.

The one area we do seem to struggle with though is sex. Our sex-drives are massively mis-matched. I try to be understanding and of course we always march to the beat of her drum - which I sort of accept (even if I resent it a little) as there's nothing that would turn me off more than knowing she's doing it out of a sense of wifely duty - we fell into that trap (and never really got out of it) after our son was born.

My wife and I both work full time and split domestic duties evenly (honestly we do!). Having recently realised that we were in real danger of going our separate ways, we have decided to make more of an effort. She acknowledged some things - which was great, and I've made a real effort to not pressure her and be more romantic.

The 'problem' now is that it all seems a little 'forced' it doesn't quite feel natural. I sympathise with her becasue she's damned if she doesn't and damned if she does, but it feels like she's making more of an effort in order to protect the lifestyle we have and not disrupt things for the sake of the kids. I apreciate that, but I honestly don't think she'd choose me if we met today.

This is all made harder because I still fancy her rotten and she's such a kind person. Certainly I'd never cheat on her (we've only ever been with each other) but I do sort of wish that she wanted me as much as I want her. She admits she's not a particularly sexual person. We've done some pretty amazing stuff over the years (though I always feel I have to push it) but it's only when she's had a drink - which makes me a little sad if I'm honest.

Sorry for the long whinge off. It's sort of cathartic to get it off my chest. I feel bad becasue she's lovely and we have really made a good life for ourselves. But at what point might you realise that a split is inevitable?

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 21:02

OK, maybe not literally. I'm just pointing out that the OP has shitloads of sex with a loving partner, as opposed to some of us.

Helltotheno · 21/08/2013 21:05

OP since you're at a loose end, put Lois out of her misery please Grin

And so we're back to the start again, sex is not a big deal to her, she's within her right to have that opinion. Accept that that's your lot in life or leave. Nobody here thinks you're hard done by, but you know what? If you do, you have a right to think that, and you're best to follow CoffeeAndScones advice to set your own personal time limit on this and vote with your feet if the setup is not for you.

Vivacia · 21/08/2013 21:06

You've made your point a few times Lois.

LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 21:07

Oh I don't know, he might expect me to be able to get my leg behind my head. I haven't done that in years.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 21/08/2013 21:16

I don't (I believe) have a problem with porn. I can go weeks without looking at - which is strange given that people seem to have me pegged as a boarderline sex addict.

I am mindful though that it's had an impact on our sex life. I have to say (and my wife would possibly agree) that the impact hasn't been totally negative. As we've both only slept with each other, neither has brought anything to the table so to speak. Porn (pretty vanilla stuff I suspect) has been quite useful.

My wife did read the first 50 shades book. It seemed to really flick her switch. The sex following was great (not sustainable on a weekly basis - not would I wish it to be - believe it or not- but it was great to see her take the lead. I was nothing but appreciative and supportive - but it was left at that. I make no comment on whether the books are any good, but when asked, she said they really turned her on, but not to the extent that she felt able to touch herself - I was working away in London at the time.

OP posts:
whosshe · 21/08/2013 21:40

I'm going to go back to what you have said further up the page. You have said that its not about frequency, but more the fact that she won't take initiative.

There could be lots of reasons for this, maybe she feels she doesn't have the chance to as you are pestering her most of the time, perhaps she feels that if she initiates it she is backing down to mr grumpy and his arse face. Maybe she thinks that if she gives you the come on then you and your passive agressiveness has 'won', and it will get worse.

If you really want her to take the iniative then maybe you just need to wait, and wait, and wait some more. And while you are waiting you should stop being an arse, and also say sorry for ever being an arse, and let her know how much you love her in any way possible that does not lead to an expectation of sex. Tell her you are going to sort out your stonewalling, and mr grumpy is no more. Explain that you have recognised a problem in yourself.

Maybe she will then, after what may feel like an age for you, feel that she can initiate some loving, intimate, non jungle sex on her terms.

While you are waiting, try not to make her feel guilty by trotting down from the shower boasting about the great wank you have just had to some porn she can't stomach.

It's really off putting to feel that the man you are with is trying to groom you into what he has been watching on the Internet, so try and stop any porn speak and requests too, it's not sexy for some. If she doesn't like porn it might help to tone anything like that right down.

LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 21:50

Possibly irrelevant tale but I remember my first boyfriend buying me stockings and suspenders and coming over all peculiar when I wore them. I felt really upset. It seemed like it was that he wanted, not me. The excitement was all for this prescribed sexy outfit rather than me. I'm a lot older now but I think I still feel that a bit - it's not a nice feeling when your man gets incredibly excited just because you are being "sexy" in very inverted commas. It doesn't feel personal any more.

whosshe · 21/08/2013 21:56

LPL, that has happened to me too, a few times. It made me feel like I was the problem, for not liking it, but now I am older I now feel I was being groomed into doing things I was not ready for or comfortable with. Horrid isn't it...

LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 21:59

Yeah. I suppose it's different if you choose to wear things that make you feel sexy. I don't like "ooh wear this for me you know it turns me on".

Although I got into a silly situation...well, maybe another time. I don't want to piss any more people off...

Helltotheno · 21/08/2013 22:08

Oh do stay! You're needed to give the OP a taste of what his sex life could be like if he walked. Always good for one to get some perspective... After all, the lack of sex hasn't given you a sense of humour bypass!!

whosshe · 21/08/2013 22:08

Maybe that's a whole new thread LPL

LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 22:10

Maybe it is... Grin

MusieB · 21/08/2013 22:10

Contrarian, I read through the first 10 pages of this feeling equal sympathy for you and your wife, thinking you probably had sex only every couple of months. When you told us about the frequency with which you DTD and your own and your wife's respective inclinations in that regard, I'm afraid I lost sympathy for you. It is not IMHO a "side issue".

Once a fortnight (which seems to be the frequency with which your desires coincide) is enough to maintain an intimate, loving bond between you, based on mutual desire. Your insistence that you need more has, I guess, more to do with scratching a physical itch.

You have a such a wonderful life in every other way: you love her, find her attractive, laugh a lot together, have apparently achieved a balance about money and home tasks with which you are both reasonably happy, have plenty of money and fulfilling jobs. You clearly love your children. You are incredibly fortunate. Life really doesn't get any better than that for 99 per cent of the population. I can't believe you are even thinking of chucking all that away just because you arn't getting it more than once a week. This makes me wonder whether you do indeed have a "sex addiction" (for want of a better term). Might be worth exploring?

LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 22:11

the lack of sex hasn't given you a sense of humour bypass!!

It's surprising I can type at all with all the wanking.

KellyHopter · 21/08/2013 22:15

Round and round in circles.

Isn't it actually the case that there's no real problem at home, you just like having an audience to talk at?

Meh. Keep going, you apparently haven't bored everyone. Yet.

Sheshelob · 21/08/2013 22:16

It is not-so-stealth willy waving.

Dull.

LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 22:17

I'm not bored with him, I'm just amazed that, in the words of the thread title he could be Gutted and thinking it may be the beginning of the end of his marriage.

KellyHopter · 21/08/2013 22:19

Lois - apparently so!

Helltotheno · 21/08/2013 22:21

Life really doesn't get any better than that for 99 per cent of the population

Amen to that. Some folk don't know when they have it good.

LoisPuddingLane · 21/08/2013 22:25

Indeed. I would love to be in such a lovely relationship. Think on, OP. (As I might say if I were from Yorkshire, which I'm not).

evelynj · 21/08/2013 23:17

Yes sorry OP but you don't know you're born.

You mention somewhere that she thinks you can 'out argue' her, so probably to be blunt she perceives you as a bit of a bully & is somewhat resentful of this aspect of your personality, (you also said that you can get folk to say what you want to hear so maybe you are doing this with your wife but don't realise it).

I feel you have misrepresented yourself for much of this thread & talked yourself into thinking you are being reasonable. I for one don't think you are. If I were you & you actually want to fix things, you should see a counsellor by yourself. Whatever your wife thinks I'm sure that step alone would prove that you are serious & maybe there is a need for couples counselling down the line but tbh you have unrealistic expectations & it doesn't sound like you know yourself as well as you think you do-perhaps counselling will give you a more balanced perspective.

Personally I love my husband very much-we have a newborn & so havent had sex for months but fortnightly would be 'normal' for us-I could sometimes happily go much longer. There is nothing less sexy than a sex pest, but if you want her to initiate then you need to not for a sustain period of time!

Good luck & keep us updated. I'd love to hear your wife's side & suspect she'd be quite open with you if you heard her out, (rather than 'arguing' your case). Have you tried asking her how she feels, what you can do to help her, (if she thinks help is needed & if she thinks you're a pest, grumpy, bully etc)

musicposy · 21/08/2013 23:35

I can't say if your problems are insurmountable or not, or offer much advice, I'm afraid.

What I can say is that your children are still quite young. 3 year olds are exhausting. My marriage was very dodgy for a good number of years when the children were young. I felt how you suspect your wife feels - I would not have still been with DH had it not been for the children. I felt trapped, forced into sex (even though it wasn't terribly frequent) and would have certainly not been with him had we not had the DCs.

Now they are teens and our relationship has just got better and better since the youngest got towards secondary school age. They get independent of you, stop demanding your every waking moment, and suddenly you find you can go out for evenings together, no babysitter. Quite often we pop out to do things and leave them at home and this summer we've been in the weird situation where DD2 is out with friends and DD1 is at work! You won't believe how liberating having the house to yourself so often is.

We're like teenagers again and I am so, so glad I stuck with him. I couldn't imagine wanting to be with anyone else and we just have so much fun together (and miles more sex). I look back on those early years when the children were young and wonder how we ever made it through. But we did and it was worth persevering.

If you can bear it I would hang on in there for a bit. It's only when your children get older you'll realise what hard work this phase is, particularly on your wife. You might think it's equal but I bet they go to her more for emotional support and a lot of the day to day stuff. That's what drains you so much - I literally had nothing left to give to DH at the end of the day. But it doesn't last forever.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 21/08/2013 23:37

It really isn't hard to work out why your wife doesn't fancy you.

Original poster
Contrarian78 · 22/08/2013 07:16

Well update: I tried to raise the issue last night and kicked off with an acknowledgement that I do get tetchy when I haven't had sex for a few days and that I'd make cla conscious effort not to let it affect everyone else. She went absolutely bat-shit and immediately shut down the debate (pr

OP posts:
musicposy · 22/08/2013 07:30

I wonder if your wife got cross because that's making it sound as though your bad mood is somehow her fault for not providing you with what you "need".

Don't get tetchy. You've no business being tetchy just because of a few days without sex, especially with small children. This is the fastest way to ensure your wife never wants sex with you.

I have single bloke friends and they never or almost never get sex. They are not permanently tetchy. Have a good wank and get yourself in a better mood. You need to back off if you want this marriage to work as I suspect your behaviour is counterproductive. Just try having some nice times together and forget the rest for a bit.

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