Gutted: Is this the begining of the End?

[Contrarian78]

I've happened across these pages by accident (looking for a review of something I was buying) but have read with interest the advice that's given.

I'm a mid-thirties (34) male who is married (9 years) with two children (7 and 3). My wife and I have been together for 16 years and have, up until recently I think, always had a pretty solid relationship.

The one area we do seem to struggle with though is sex. Our sex-drives are massively mis-matched. I try to be understanding and of course we always march to the beat of her drum - which I sort of accept (even if I resent it a little) as there's nothing that would turn me off more than knowing she's doing it out of a sense of wifely duty - we fell into that trap (and never really got out of it) after our son was born.

My wife and I both work full time and split domestic duties evenly (honestly we do!). Having recently realised that we were in real danger of going our separate ways, we have decided to make more of an effort. She acknowledged some things - which was great, and I've made a real effort to not pressure her and be more romantic.

The 'problem' now is that it all seems a little 'forced' it doesn't quite feel natural. I sympathise with her becasue she's damned if she doesn't and damned if she does, but it feels like she's making more of an effort in order to protect the lifestyle we have and not disrupt things for the sake of the kids. I apreciate that, but I honestly don't think she'd choose me if we met today.

This is all made harder because I still fancy her rotten and she's such a kind person. Certainly I'd never cheat on her (we've only ever been with each other) but I do sort of wish that she wanted me as much as I want her. She admits she's not a particularly sexual person. We've done some pretty amazing stuff over the years (though I always feel I have to push it) but it's only when she's had a drink - which makes me a little sad if I'm honest.

Sorry for the long whinge off. It's sort of cathartic to get it off my chest. I feel bad becasue she's lovely and we have really made a good life for ourselves. But at what point might you realise that a split is inevitable?

Contrarian, I think you have three choices:

1. If "wanting her to want you" is the most important thing, then you have to leave it to her to initiate sex when she wants it (sounds like that might be once a fortnight) and make up your mind never to be "Mr Grumpy Pants" about it. Perhaps with an agreement from her that she'll make a similar effort not to get upset about your watching "grot".

1. If "wanting her to want you" is actually less important than greater frequency, resign yourself to once a week, but accept that she will still feel under pressure.

1. Leave her and try to find someone else with a similarly overactive sex drive to your own.

Overactive. Serously? (and I mean in all seriousness)

Option 1 though - if I had to choose.

I do want compromise, but it's not something you can easily compromise on.

Say for (a stupid) example - there was disagreement as to who should put the recycling out. My wife isn't going to be too bothered if I did it week in week out (which I do) but under protest.

I'm surprised you are having sex so often. I expect this kind of thread when there's a gap of months.

I'm most up for it during my fertile period so we often go two weeks without.

I think you're expecting too much. If you're not happy, leave your wife. You're getting plenty of 'compromise'.

Well, if once a week on average, after 16 years together, with 2 young children and both of you working - and if your OH is working as a nurse that's a fairly full-on, shattering job - is insufficient for you, and the type and method and approach insufficiently interesting to the point that you are considering leaving her, that would meet my definition of 'overactive', yes...

And putting that aspect of your relationship on a rather strange 'uniquely important' pedestal as well, tbh.

You have sex once a week? And you "can't" go more than two weeks without it? What happens - do your knackers explode?

Spare us, please. I'd love to have sex every week, every day, actually. But I'm not in a relationship and so I can't. (Well I can but then you get the stupid situations with much younger men.) For those of us who have no option but to go longer than two weeks, you sound a bit...pathetic really. I went EIGHT YEARS without sex at one point in my life. Nothing exploded.

And as I said, I'm someone with a fairly high sex drive. Every day would suit me just fine.

I'm also now a bit naffed off that you started all this and it turns out you are getting sex once a week, which isn't to be sniffed at.

But, I do still feel you need to work on evicting mr grumpy and his passive aggressive ways.

And every day is just fine if you're with someone who thinks similarly and has the time and the energy to do it. But mainly people have little things called lives that prevent them spending every waking minute thinking about getting their bit...

Also, most people learn as children how to delay gratification, it's part of becoming a mature adult: you don't always get what you want when you want it.

Why not just get a blow up doll with an orifice to stand in for the missus on the other 6 days OP?

Yes, IMO (and agreeing with teacher's eloquent observations) you do have an overactive sex drive, but this is may be a subjective judgement which says as much about mine as yours!

I suspect if you reach any "compromise" whereby she is having sex more often than she really wants it, she will continue to feel coerced and you will continue to feel rejected. You can't have it all ways - you want to have sex more than she does, she complies, yet you complain you feel she is doing so out of a sense of wifely duty.

In your example, the equivalent is your wife complaining that you don't always put the bins out with joy and enthusiasm!

11 pages and he's getting it every week. Can I start a thread about how I'm not getting it at all?

I would also like to put forward this idea: just because your wife will not have sex more than once a week, it does not mean she is rejecting you.

She works and has two smallish children (and however equal a relationship, children tend to gravitate towards mothers for food and comfort and to referee battles, usually) and, in addition to that, she has a grumpy husband who isn't happy because he wants daily sex.

Maybe she isn't rejecting you, she's just not got anything left to give at this point. She's probably exhausted most of the time. I can't imagine when my daughter was small and I was working that I would have been able to provide on tap sexual variety as well.

The bottom line is you are still getting a lot of sex. I, for one, am envious.

I think you mentioned that your wife has just qualified as a nurse? Does that mean she's also been studying recently, sitting exams etc as well as having 2 children?

As some one else mentioned sex in a long term relationship does change. I'm 47 and have been married 24 years with 2dds.
We've gone from having sex every day, to having very little sex- maybe 2/3 times a month, and now the DDs are grown up, having sex much more often again. We also had three periods when we had no sex at all- I think 4 months was the longest, due to bereavements.

Sex is like that in most marriages.

At 35 I am assuming you also watch a fair amount of porn. Or P0rn as you put it. I just want to ask if you think perhaps this has changed the way you feel your wife should be 'providing' for you? There are lots of studies that show men in your age group find porn very hard to give up and many are addicted, which leads to depression as the stimulation and release of serotonin delivered per wank means quick lows and a need for more stimulation. It has actually changed the shape of the modern male's brain. I am not massively anti porn, but here you sound like you have the perfect set up and yet are unhappy and expect more. I would be interested to know where you got this idea.

Also, if you left her, how do you think you would provide your once a week hit? Do you have a spare lying around or do you expect it will be less than 2 weeks until you find a new model?

Very good question, Lioninthesun.

Most people have to cope at some point in their lives without being serviced every week or two. I think if I had sex every week my fanjo would be so shocked it might die.

Also a word of warning: since you don't use contraception, you're a prime candidate for an 'accidental' pregnancy, because if her indoors wants a kid, she'll make it happen. Apart from anything else, having another will definitely lower your average to a measly once a month... if you're very lucky.

So I'd do summat about the tubes if I were you...

I agree, as the joke goes, what do you call people that use the withdrawal method? Parents.

Especially as women get horniest around ovulation. BAG IT UP.

"We've done some pretty amazing stuff over the years."

You sound like my husband. Piling on the pressure and arsiness is not going to make a loving sexual relationship.

Personally I feel dirty after DTD. It is not a nice position to be in with someone you love!

The OP has either gone off for some adult viewing (tissues required) or perhaps it's time for the weekly service.

I think we've all been side tracked by the fact that I average once a week. There's a little too much to read through, but I wanted to get the impression over that it was the fact that she doesn't take any initiative. I know my problems seem small to some (and I'm slightly uncomfortable being ridiculed if I'm honest) but it's a big deal to me.

My wife was studying for an number of years, so there's always been a plausible excuse - which I've gone along with (studying, the pill, whatever). It's only now that those barriers are gone that she's finally realised (fessed up) that sex isn't a huge deal to her - having previously suggested that the problems lie elsewhere.

Why would she initiate sex if she doesn't feel she wants to have sex?

And it's hardly surprising that she feels a little wary given the veritable menu of services you would like her to perform.

Classic case of the wank bank taking over. Sex is about connecting with someone, not playing porn bingo.

You're still averaging once a week whereas I average about once a year. My FANNY IS EXPLODING.

Um...