Asking Men Out

[LoisPuddingLane]

I just wanted some views on this, please. I know that it's the 21st century and we are relatively equal, but I've found asking men out doesn't work. I cannot think of a single time I've asked a man out and they've said yes. There are so many confusing messages in my head.

On the one hand I think why shouldn't women make the first move. OK you get knocked back and it hurts but that's what men have to go through. And then this other part of me is going NO. Men like to be hunters etc and if you ask them out you are taking that away from them.

At the moment I'm dithering hopelessly about asking someone out and keep thinking if he was really interested he would ask me. Which is not a good way forward. Thoughts and experiences...?

..."and he was already "there" and I was sitting in my pants with greasy hair..."

Y'see LoisPud, this is why people shouldn't text stuff, they should phone up instead. If he had called you to say he was in the neighbourhood and would you like to join him, you could have answered him in a sexy low husky voice saying, "NOOO, I'm waiting for you here on the chaise longue with my greasy hair and pants combo..." and he would have been round to your place in a flash!

Yah think?

I'm off home to consider my options, as they say.

Gad, texting me at 10.30pm and asking me if I wanted to "come down" wouldn't create a good impression with me at all. If he were a shy teenager, then perhaps more excusable.

I wasn't terribly impressed either, I have to say. You know, either ask me or don't but texting at that hour to say come out to play? Nope.

It could have been worse, he could have knocked on your front door to ask for his ball back.

I haven't had his balls!

"I haven't had his balls!"

Well, his conkers then.

Just reviving this zombie thread because I finally got up the bollocks to do something.

The Man recently organised a group event on FB to go round the Xmas market. He doesn't usually do things like this (organise events) so I thought I'd go. We are still doing the intermittent chat on FB sort of thing. It turned out to be a very late night and we were drunk-texting about four in the morning as he was walking home. Nothing salacious. When he said he was near my flat I resisted the urge to invite him in as we were both very drunk and I thought it was probably not a great idea.

Anyway...we were again bantering on FB and he was getting frustrated that my typing was so fast he couldn't keep up. He said he preferred a sit down and chat sort of situation. I thought, ok, I'm going to go for it.

I sent him a private message saying if he prefers that, why not come over for lunch in the New Year, and I promise not to type. Smiley face.

The response I got seemed positive at first but the more I think about it, it looks very non-committal.

He just said "Sounds like a good idea. That way I can keep up!"

I'm thinking I should just let it go now, as it's not exactly a mad keen response. Maybe he was just trying to sound casual, I don't know.

I think send him a text or a message if you can't face asking him out in person. I am not particularly timid, but there is still no way I could ask someone out to their face.

I wouldn't be impressed by a man coming up to talk to me about mascara or something else that is so obviously just a line. People who are genuinely interested in getting to know me are what is attractive. I like people who smile, make eye-contact and start with a little general chitchat about where we are, etc.

I have asked him.

Um, he said yes surely get back in touch after new year and say when can you do lunch.

Actually I'm not sure I'd consider being invited to someone's house for lunch date territory, but that may just be me.

Sorry, I missed that. I think I must have missed out the last page before I responded.

That does sound more friendly than date-like. Can you not ask him for a drink at the pub or the cinema or something like that on a specific date sometime soon? Lunch in the New Year is pretty vague. I don't think I'd understand I was being asked out if someone asked me that.

It's taken me a year to get this far.

Well, I guess asking to see someone in a casual friendly way is going to elicit a casual friendly response. I don't think he could really have been more positive could he? Fine to play it slow, but then so will he (if he's playing at all).

This will be the first time ever that we have been alone. I think that a single woman inviting a single man for lunch might be slightly heavy with possibility, but that's just me. I would not invite a man to lunch in my home just as a mate.

Maybe something will come of it. We'll see.

Just put your Je T'aime record on in the background and stroke the stem of your wine glass whilst licking your lips at him and tossing your hair about.

Or maybe not.

In the new year?? What's wrong with this weekend?

Lunch in the new year is what I would arrange with my aunt...

This weekend I am going to my daughter in Paris for six days; when I come back the Man will be in the UK visiting his sister. Until after New Year.

You may mock, but this has taken a lot of courage for me to do. But go ahead and mock if it makes you feel good.

I'm only being silly.

I hope it goes well for you Lois.

Thank you. I have absolutely rubbish luck (if such a thing exists) with men. The ones I like are never interested and the other ones just want a quick shag. So taking it slowly might actually work, you never know.

Hi Lois, I can identify with your dilemma; I recently had a thread about a guy at work who was similarly flirty but indefinite. He turned out to be a tit, but I don't regret going for it as I'd rather know than be stuck in uncertainty indefinitely, jumping whenever he clicked his fingers.
I think you have to just be true to yourself and that's all the useful advice I can give to be honest. Be aware of the possibility that he is using you for an ego boost, or is oblivious, or various other possibilities - but don't let that dictate your behaviour. Do what will create a resolution for yourself - whether that is pushing it on a bit or stepping back and seeing what he does in response. Only you can know how much proactivity you feel comfortable with.

Thanks.

I don't think this guy has had much to do with women in recent years. He tends to socialise with guys who do cycling and stuff like that. While we were out the other night I got him to hold back my hair because he insisted one had to drink this particular drink on the table, not holding it. OK, but I have long hair.

And he said it was a long time since he had touched hair. He's practically bald, which I don't object to at all. But that sounds to be like he's not been close to someone in a while.

Sometimes you have to be friends first to see what else may come. If you start as friends it can be a gamble to take it further and risking losing all on both sides. Offer lunch if he's not keen he will get himself out of it if he doesn't, you will know if you can spend more than a bit of time together alone - what's to lose?

I asked my DP out and I proposed to him.

Good luck with your lunch.