Ouch, just been dumped by a friend, come and hold my hand...

[ruggedhitchhiker]

...or slap me, not sure which is best

It happens, I know. But it's happened quite a lot, recently - about 4 in the last few years.

I know not every friendship is for life. People move on, get busy, get bored of your jokes. But I liked this one. And can't really tell what I did wrong this time.

I still have a small circle of lovely (tolerant), funny, kind friends who have known me for yonks and still want to hang out (though a very small circle. Let's call it a circlet). But people I could trust and confide in and wouldn't run away fast into the bushes? Apart from my partner, maybe 2.

Does that make me evil? Or crazy?

Please someone come and tell me that it's similar for them.

I need to go and clean something furiously (if you are on the same train line as me, I can be at your house in 40 minutes).

Awwww

I have one best friend & one very good friend.

Was two very good friends but has cooled with one-we just don't seem to get on anymore!

I'm abroad, tend to only have acquaintances here.

Have lots of acquiantances in UK, but only 2 maybe 3 people I'm really bothered about seeing when I visit.

Yes, I too have been shedding friends at an alarming rate. I think part of it is the 'moving on to the next phase of life' syndrome so our paths no longer naturally cross and getting together is more complicated than it was previously.

Also, as dd grows up, I am seeing friendships (through her eyes) at the most savage levels (pre-teen). As you might expect, there is a lot of angst, thoughtless/inconsiderate behaviour, loyalty issues, displays of fickle treatment, bossy, rude and gossipy treatment, etc. As I advise dd on what makes a good friend, how to treat others/how you want to be treated, it has made me aware of the shortcomings of some of my own friendships. And I have reevaluated some of them.

In some cases, I've recognised unhealthy patterns (usually involves me making all the effort, or being cast in the role of unpaid shrink in constantly listening to a never-ending list of problems). I have decided to simply 'let go' of some friendships - no dumping (am always friendly when we see each other), but I've stopped investing time and energy.

I was 'dumped' for a ludicrous reason about a year ago. At first I was upset and bewildered, but now (with time and perspective), I see how scheming/manipulative the other woman was. I see that even though she had some very good qualities, she really wasn't much of a friend.

I am aware that I am losing people I counted as friends, and have not gained new people in my life, but I am OK with it. Perhaps I am finally self confident enough to want to be treated well, and have stopped making allowances for/justifying poor treatment.

Yes ruggedhitcher, I totally agree. Having been dumped a few times now over the last couple of decades, I think this time I skillfully managed to turn what might have been a dumping into a relegation! By withdrawing, by waiting a few hours or even a day and a half to reply to a text, I was sending her the message 'I get it, I get it, me too'.

We are still friendly though, and I do still like her. I adapted to the friendship on its new terms because if I'm really, really honest perhaps we had run out of things to say, not totally, but in terms of having coffee a few times a week with nothing in particular to report! I would have clung on though! That's the difference.

I don't seem to have any friends any more.
I had a hysterectomy 3 weeks ago and the only cards I got (or phone calls etc) were from two ladies I have never met but know from an online group relating to the condition I had pre hysterectomy. I treasured those cards.
I don't know why I no longer have friends.
I try to be a good friend and feel very sad that it came to this.

You have more friends than me! All my old friends dumped me when I had kids, I'd moved away from the city we grew up in so it was too much hassle for them to keep in touch.

We moved to a very rural area with small kids, I'm much younger than most of the mothers and they've all known each other for decades so never seem to get past the acquaintance stage. I don't work so no other place to meet people.

Dds bfs mother is the only person I chat to about my life, she's lovely but has a busy full life and her older kids are almost my age so although we get on well and talk openly it's never going to be a best friends relationship either.

Dp is my best friend, and I'm his.

My problem l think is that l have a very full on job working long hours, then looking after DCx3 homework. afterschool clubs etc l just ran out of time and energy to keep in touch with friends for coffee etc.
Now that DC's are flying the nest l find commitments are different, but the friendships l had have changed in that we no longer have the same things in common, it's sad but a fact of life.
I have a job where l am piggy in the middle to 2 distinct groups of professionals so basically in a team of 1. We go on nightouts etc but l haven't got any close friends at work either.

So today l have decided to treasure and nuture the 2 good friends l have and perhaps make time to find some new ones in MN meetups etc.

Hmmm I empathise OP. My circle is very small, too small, and my situation is made worse by my demanding job.

I'm on the South Coast and my friendship group seems to be changing quite a lot.

Quite a few of them don't have children ,which doesn't bother me. The differences in our lives are becoming more apparent though.

Then again I have met some new friends through work who I get on quite well with so I think this is how it goes sometimes.

Where are you near the South Coast, rugged?

Selks and doha - your posts struck a chord. Before dd, I had a high-flying corporate job. Now, I work from home (so don't have office camaraderie/interactions), and find I don't really fit in with the sahm crowd. Often, the women I'm most interested in befriending are the ones with demanding jobs (so the least available). I know they don't have much (if any) free time, so developing a new friendship is probably quite a ways down the list.

I think adult friendships are tricky.

Op at least you have friends to shed, I've none left as my circumstances mean I can't get out for nights out all the time or whatever. My friends gradually dwindled down over the years and as I attract the wrong kind I did have to shed a few as they were just being plain nasty.

One of my kids has special needs and needs a lot of care, so I hardly get any free time.

In fact Im thinking of buying a concert ticket to go on my own if I can't persuade dh to go

It seems like everyone has friends, but i think Im shit at making them and family circumstances dont help, but what can you do apart from get on with it and enjoy what you have.

Sorry for going off on one their!

I actually said to DH last week that if anything happened to him l could see myself living in a wee cottage by the seaside with dogs for company. They give you unconditional love/friendship and don't judge/let you down.

Yes l will be a smelly old dog lady

I forgot to say are you sure she has shed you? And shes not just busy?
If I was you Id focus on the lovely friends you have other than her as good friends are hard to come by.

I was talking to someone who was organising their birthday party and couldn't work out how to gt the guest list down to 200. 200!!! I realised that if I were to have a party, my guests would comfortably fit in our downstairs loo.

I am not good at finding friends. I think I send out weird vibes. My three oLd friends are a) too poncey and important to spend time with me now b) live halfway across the world c) at a different life stage

I have lived in our current place for nearly 10 years and have never had so much as a coffee with anyone.

(I am south coast too... Perhaps it's particularly frosty here...)

And so many people seem very friendly at first, then you realise you've heard about every single last detail of their lives but if pushed they might struggle to think of your first name.

Think l will move to south coast there are a lot of like minded people there-we could form a club !!!

Iv not had a friend for 6 years and no dh does not count:)

My best friend and I drifted when I got pregnant with dd1. I was doing all the work and she kept making excuses about not meeting up.

Since then we have moved 7 times and I never seem to make friends. I too think it must be me. gee I'm so lonely :)

Another on the south coast. Near Winchester but happy to travel. I broke my hip back in February. Not one of the three people I consider to be friends came to see me. I was stuck in for 6 weeks with a 9 month old baby. I was going mad.

I often wonder what it is I do as I clearly have no good friends.

I'm so pleased that there are other people with no friends (I think!)

I have what I consider to be a best friend, but she moved Up North a long time ago so I only see her a couple of times a year. I'm not sure if she would consider me to be her best friend though

I don't know anyone I could ask round for coffee - actually maybe there's one, but I work full time and she has a husband and kids, so spends her evenings and weekends with them. My dh was my best friend, but I'm separated, so can't count him any more.

It's very difficult trying to make friends as a grown up, I never had any 'mum' friends either as I've always worked, and had various people - child-minder, daily nanny, H etc. that fetched and carried kids from school most of the time.

I'm quite awkward socially, I'm not very good at making polite conversation, tend to just say what I think, but I'm not blunt, sigh.

I've been down to the beach in Bournemouth on the train a couple of times this summer, just love lying about in the sunshine - is that the right bit of the South Coast?

No friends here either. A decent circle of acquaintances but I wouldn't run to any of them in a crisis. I rely very much on dh and family who, luckily are nearby.

The train to Bournemouth goes past me :-)

SummerRain I could have posted what you said. We moved to a rural area two years ago and I have small chldren. I know the other mums in the village but they have all been buddies for ages so even though I organised a big meet up of 6 children and mums last week and are friends with them on the dreaded FB, I then found out that they went out that weekend for drinks that I wasn't asked to and also there was a birthday party of one of the children which DS wasn't invited to (and it's a pretty small field of DCs in our village).

I have a fair number of friends via church and although I do meet them for coffees etc, they are mostly older than me and at a different stage of their lives. I have a baby DD and am on mat leave but obviously the baby groups all cease over the holidays so I won't have much chance to meet anyone before I go back to work in October and really cement any friendships.

I've just been back to where we used to live this week and have caught up with lots of family and my old NCT friends. I realised that I really do miss them and sometimes FB just isn't enough. I love my DH lots but I want a couple of female friends nearby really.

(And I have tried MN Local too, met some lovely mums but we all live fairly far from each other.)

I've lost a long-term friend group and drifted a bit from other long-term friends and a couple of shorter term friendships and not really replaced them with friends of the same regularity of socialising, partly through me being a bit rubbish for one reason or another the last few years.

However I think most people only have a couple of close friends and I guess as life changes and friendship groups with them there will be times when they are thinner on the ground than other times.

And in other good news I have a flat in need of a good clean and am in London which is easy to get to for most.

Scissors, yes, you have put your finger on it - I'm really glad that lots of us don't have many good friends :-) but not in an evil way, just because it helps me feel alone with it all.
Clench and eve34, I'm so sorry that your friends weren't where for you when you were in hosp, that's horrible. The loneliness is worse when you're in physical pain. I sometimes think that it's 'out of sight, out of mind' - people just don't ask themselves how their friends are if they aren't standing in front of them? Or are just busy with their own lives?
It really hurts, though.
don'twanna, I think you should go to your concert on your own! Sometimes it is more fun to take care of yourself than go with someone else and be worrying about whether they are enjoying it, etc.
I think it's a sign of strength don'twanna that you are recognising when you need to shed people. I have clung on to people who weren't interested in the past and it only hurts you.
Doha I am definitely going to be the Mad Lady with All The Animals.
Earlybird, I found what you are saying about your daughter really interesting, and how you have used this to develop awareness about what you need in a friendship. This bit:
Perhaps I am finally self confident enough to want to be treated well, and have stopped making allowances for/justifying poor treatment.

This is my dream mental state.

I'm actually really shocked at the number of us saying that we don't feel we have many good friends. We are all clearly intelligent, kind women, so what's happening? I wonder if Ips is on to something - that most friendships are transitory?
Yet I know people who seem to be able to keep their friendships. For example, my 'dumper' (Dumpster?) had a habit of texting me along these lines, 'Cooking for 12! About to open the Chablis! Take care Dumpster x'

Of course, Rugged may have simply been paranoid...

You Southern girls - I am very very close to Bournemouth and Winchester. I would love to have someone I could meet for a coffee. Though I'm also scared that I might get dumped AGAIN, this time by lovely MN people...

Going for an early night to curl up and try to stop crazy thoughts, but will check in tom x

You are all welcome to come visit me in Scotland any time

Ah Doha, I'm in Jockland! Be my fwiend...pwease?! Lol