DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

[onesiebore]

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

He said he phoned her about a work question that couldn't wait and to see how she was.

They have work phones but he also has her personal number in his personal phone

Nothing odd about them having each other numbers - they are work colleagues.

So sad that she has lost her Dad OP but I still find it hard to believe you would sleep after receiving that kind of news. I don't care where I was or how far away I may be, I would be on the way to be with my Mum in a heartbeat.

It also sounds like they are much closer than you thought, I would feel uneasy too.

I'm always surprised by people who say
my husband would never ..a, b or c

Things happen. No one can say for certain how their partner can behave
No can can say for certain how they'd personally behave in a situation until the situation arises let alone vouch for the behaviour of another person

A work question that couldn't wait even though her Dad has just died? Surely if he is caring and sensitive enough to hold her all night to comfort her he would be sensitive enough to not phone her about work when she will have loads of other things to deal with right now.

I agree. He wouldn't be phoning her about work when her dad has just died.

I'm sorry but as someone else said, I think your H is more emotionally involved with this woman than he should be.

So, lying close beside her after having hugged her, he felt his body almost touching hers. He must be a saint or have no interest in her that way if he also didn't press himself against her a little when she was asleep, even assuming nothing happened. Arousing for a man to be lying in bed like that with a young woman so physically close.
You'll just either have to believe him and move on or else let it spoil things by niggling away at your mind.
If everything else is fine maybe you should just try to be positive, tell him how shocked you are at such inappropriate behaviour, tell him why, discuss it fully, ask him how he'd feel if you did that with a male friend, and then, depending on his reaction, just get on with your life together and be happy and forget about it, letting this minor episode sink into the past.

Re her reaction, a lot depend on where the conference centre is and when she found out about her father's death.

I work for one of the professional services firms, and at one point lead part of our training function. So I'm envisaging how it would happen on one of our courses.

Ours are always in the middle of rural nowhere, with no public transport and taxis that stop running after 8pm. When we organise evenings off-site we have coached booked months in advance for that very reason.

And in terms of timetable, we generally finish lectures at around 6pm and start dinner at around 8pm - giving people a couple of hours to relax, call home, use the gym or do some work. So on one of our courses if someone referred to something happening as during drinks after dinner they would certainly mean after 10pm.

We cater at one bottle of wine between 4 people at dinner. Possibly also a drink on the firm before dinner, but paying for own drinks after dinner.

So, to me, is sounds entirely possible that at the time Beth found out about her father's death she was unable to drive legally, or travel by public transport, or get a taxi for any price. And that's leaving aside the issues about driving for 3 hours after hearing awful news. I recall one occasion in the past when we couldn't get a delegate home until the following morning when his wife thought she was miscarrying at 2am, and believe me I spent hours trying to find a solution. The firm would have readily paid for a taxi for him if we could have found one that would come.

As for what happened in her room, only you can decide what you choose to believe. Those of us who have said we'd be OK with it have been told we're polyannaish, which I find a bit off. For me, the main reasons for believing his story are that the basic scenario fits with my experience of attending and running courses, he told you himself readily, and because I don't place the same amount of 'sexual weight' on beds/nighttime/drinks that others seem to - if people are going to cheat then, IME, they'll find a way to do it no matter what. I don't think that's particularly pollyannaish, and neither is it a dig at people who feel the other way.

I hope it all works out.

So, lying close beside her after having hugged her, he felt his body almost touching hers. He must be a saint or have no interest in her that way if he also didn't press himself against her a little when she was asleep, even assuming nothing happened. Arousing for a man to be lying in bed like that with a young woman so physically close.

Really?

Sounds a little rape-apologist to me. Pressing himself against her while she slept would surely be a criminal act.

I wouldn't mind if my DH came home and told me he'd done this Second but in this case there's more to it.

He didn't tell his wife he'd done this for a couple of days.
He says they slept together- I don't believe a person who as just found out about her dad dying, would go to sleep.
He's being shitty when his wife is asking questions about it.
He phoned her and told his wife it was about work. If he was so caring he wouldn't bother her with work. If he'd told his wife he phoned to check the woman was ok- I'd believe him.

It all sounds like he's hiding something.

Do you even know if it's true about her dad? The texts from her- when did they come through? I'm not sure you can rule out the two of them concocting a cover story tbh.

I hope I'm wrong.

I've slept beside 2 males for a full night and nothing happened, if I was married however I wouldn't be too happy, but it is very possible he did infact just sleep next to her (without groping).

Yes, it's possible, but this whole scenario doesn't really stack up. MrsSchadenfreude has articulated it very well, I think.

I have just been through a spoiling similar time and DH and I have come out of the other side relatively unscathed. I have just had to believe him as I have trusted him till now and I guess I will never know for sure. I did expect it to eat away at us but we have recovered quite quickly.

From Beth's perspective, I doubt I'd be up for sex back having just found out DF had died, on the other hand I would have left immediately in a taxi.

Thinking if you OP.

May have missed something earlier but - does Beth have a mum? Wouldn't the obvious solution have been to phone a taxi so she could be with her nearest and dearest? Whatever the time of night ....

OP if that were my dp, I would believe him. If he said nothing happened, then nothing happened. It was difficult circumstances although if they are friends as well as colleagues not that unusual as in one friend comforting another. I guess it all comes down to how much you trust your dp.

He says they slept together- I don't believe a person who as just found out about her dad dying, would go to sleep.

What do you think happens? You just stay awake all night? Of course not. At some point you are just so numb and damn exhausted from crying your body can't stay awake any longer.

I hate getting into the whys and wherefores- but if he was as guilty as the Mumsnet jury have found him, why did he say anything at all? Why didn't he just keep his mouth shut about the whole thing?

I think the clue is in the phrase "he doesn't think anyone else at work is aware that he stayed in her room", curlew. Which could well mean "someone clocked him and he's bricking it that it will get back to his wife".

Either way this bloke is a bloody idiot!

He's either slept with her and is trying to cover his tracks or he's telling the truth but has over stepped the mark by staying with her all night which he knew OP wouldn't like and feels guilty for this.

TBH the latter is the sort of thing my DH would do because he is a genuinely nice guy but he just doesn't think about anything until afterwards........and yes my DH is a bloody idiot too.

OP my advice to you is to go with your gut instinct. You know your DH better than anyone and know what is and what isn't normal behaviour for him. How you make up for your mistakes goes a long way. If he is really sorry for the position he has put you in then he will be more concerned about your feelings and how he can put things right. If he has nothing to hide he'll be open and honest with you about any interaction with his colleague from now on.

Good luck

There really should be a 'LTB' button on Mumsnet. And everyone who presses it gets a little electric shock.

OP you can't know what happened as you weren't there. I think the actoif comforting a friend is a great thing to do, although being married makes things different. It doesn't and shouldn't stop him caring for other people if he's a nice guy.

Grief also causes a temporary increase in libido but not for several days.

I would think anyone who wanted to fool around with a colleague right after her father died would be a monster, and your dh was being a friend, although acting somewhat inappropriately and fessed up straightaway.

He's not a bad guy from what you said. I understand why you're concerned and tell him not to get so close bow she's grieving but it's not a LTB offence

Sadly OP, I have been in a similar situation. Without any shadow of doubt I believed my dp , he just was not the type to cheat, very honest, very decent. I just accepted what he told me, never occurred to me it was anything other than innocent.

Fast forward two yrs and someone very innocently let something slip that forces me to rethink and remember back. I called dps bluff, told him I knew he had lied and that he must tell me the truth. My 100%faithful, decent, fantastic man was a liar. I cannot tell you how stupid I still feel 8 months from finding out . I wish I had been more alert and less trusting at the time, he has effectively lied to me daily since it happened. I am furious and upset and the lies hurt more than the actions. Your dp might be telling the truth but don't ignore any gut feelings..