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Original poster

DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

658 replies

onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:07

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

OP posts:
spiffysquiffyspiggy · 17/08/2013 15:09

A lot of people have said that they wouldn't want comfort from a colleague, particularly a male one. If I ever found myself in the situation described in the OP I could see myself turning to my colleagues and would choose the male ones over the female because they are the ones that are my friends. And I'd do the same for them if the situation was reversed. And I would not think to check with dh before I did it.

We are a close knit team who have known each other for over a decade, they've held my hand when I've miscarried, looked after me when I've got far too drunk, celebrated when things went well.

Yes it does imply an intimacy but that can come from a friendship with a deep basis of trust rather than a desire to do something sexual.

I would have told dh in the morning but then we work together so he'd know all the people involved.

I'm not going to say what happened in the OP was or wasn't innocent but I don't think it is fair for purple to say something MUST have happened just because petiole couldn't see it happening with their colleagues

spiffysquiffyspiggy · 17/08/2013 15:10

People. Bloody phone.

noddyholder · 17/08/2013 15:11

Email someone whose father has just died with a passive aggressive message? Just no

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/08/2013 15:16

Maryz, I trust my husband implicitly. But I also know that he would not do something like this, because he would feel that it was inappropriate and crossing numerous boundaries.

And I maintain that if nothing went on, the OP's husband would have told her straight away, in normal conversation about what happened on the awayday/course/conference, as I have said. He wouldn't have acted strangely and been a bit odd and furtive if he had nothing to hide.

I will also add that I have a very close male friend - there is definitely a spark between us (and has been for about 30 years although we have never acted on it). If I was in this situation, when I was at my most vulnerable, I would not want him within spitting distance of me. Because at times like this, what would normally be "reasonable behaviour" can go out of the window. A well meaning hug could well lead further... and further... and further. I am not sure if this is what is known as "hysterical bonding"?

curlew · 17/08/2013 15:17

Email Beth saying 'DH told me about the other night.' Nothing more. See what she replies."

That's a good idea. She can worry about what t means while she's arranging the funeral. It'll be something to keep her busy.Hmm

Arisbottle · 17/08/2013 15:18

Please do not email this woman who has real problems to deal with.

TheUnicornsGoHawaiian · 17/08/2013 15:21

Sorry if im repeating something that has already been asked....is Beth single?

If I received news like that I would walk home if necessary. I wouldnt stay there. It seems odd. Surely she would have called a taxi or asked someone to collect her so she could be with family.

if Beth is so grief stricken you should suggest to DH that she come over for drinks one evening to take her mind off things...his reaction to this suggestion might give you a few more answers.

KateCroydon · 17/08/2013 15:23

Meh. Your husband sounds kind & honest to me. Seriously, who the hell goes looking for a random shag the night after a beloved parent dies? Wanting to be held and not wanting to sleep alone, otoh, makes perfect sense.

everlong · 17/08/2013 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hancat · 17/08/2013 15:24

Fair enough, it would be a cruel thing to do. Although I think it was out of order to ask him to stay despite her situation, regardless of whether anything actually happened.

The text messages they exchanged make his story sound plausible.

Jovellanos · 17/08/2013 15:32

who the hell goes looking for a random shag the night after a beloved parent dies

Who the hell stays at a work conference the day a beloved parent dies?

No one, that's who.

Arisbottle · 17/08/2013 15:35

I don't know how I would react in that scenario. When one of my grandparents died ( who was like a parent) I went to work the next day - I broke down and made an utter tit of myself.

Are we really going to judge a woman for not reacting in the right way to the death of her father?

spiffysquiffyspiggy · 17/08/2013 15:38

If I got that news late at night after a few drinks I'd stay in the hotel until the morning. I usually travel by train to work events and my parents live in the middle of nowhere. Feasibly I wouldn't be able to reach them at night. If I'd had a few I wouldn't be able to drive.

everlong · 17/08/2013 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadBusLady · 17/08/2013 15:42

Grief does funny things to people. Doesn't necessarily make them randy (though it might!) but it tilts their world and knocks all their boundaries out of whack. Grief is so all-consuming and nothing else in the world matters. We don't know what was going through this poor woman's mind or what her motivations were, so there probably isn't a lot of point in our all reasoning "Surely if your dad's just died..."

It's down to other people in that scenario to behave with all kindness but keep some of that normality in place when the bereaved person can't. At the very least, the DH didn't do this. He may be belatedly realizing how much worse it could have been - if you're willing to get into someone's bed to be "kind" to them, what else will you do at their request to be kind? He may even have put a stop to some brief, muddled incident, but now be feeling guilty as he realizes that he put himself in that situation in the first place.

MikeOxard · 17/08/2013 15:46

"how do you all live in such a constant state of suspicion?"
Erm, I don't, because my dh has never and would never

  1. spend the night in bed with another woman while away on business
  2. come home acting shifty about it
  3. belatedly confess, with a weird story about it
  4. get shitty when pressed for details he hadn't made up yet as part of the cock and bull story

I also find it slighty odd that there has been such limited contact between the two of them - the OP has seen what 2 or 3 short unemotional texts? No reference to the all night snuggling? If they are so close that he had to go find her in her room, hold her all night and be there for her to wake up to in the morning, then aren't they close enough for a phonecall, or at least a text conversation, rather than just a few words? I find the whole thing very, very unbelievable. He's full of shit imo.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 17/08/2013 15:47

If my DP did this i would be fine. I trust him and i trust his judgement.

Having asked him he said 'wasn't there a woman in the group he could have got to stay with her?'

It's a fair point.

Original poster
onesiebore · 17/08/2013 15:49

DH said she had to stay as they were about 3 hours away from her family but it was too late for public transport and she couldn't leave her car there. Apparently she'd left by 7 in the morning.

Someone asked about drinking - he said they were both drinking but not drunk.

I won't be contacting her, I do believe nothing more happened that night it's just worried me that he must be closer to her than I realised for her to want him to stay and for their colleagues to say it was up to him to go to her. He also said something about speaking to her yesterday and I asked if she was back at work - he said she wasn't but he'd called her.

OP posts:
Meid · 17/08/2013 15:49

I think going to check on her in her room is the decent thing to do. But where were the other 3 colleagues, why did only your DH check? Nonetheless, it would have been mean if no-one had checked.

Staying the night, however, is intimate irrespective of whether or not they had sex. For me, a line would have been crossed.

When my DH's mum died (before I knew him) he had a female friend who used to hold and comfort him and there was nothing sexual between them. He did, however, meet with an ex-girlfriend in the days following the death for a comfort shag. So both scenarios IMO are realistic when grieving.

EasyMark · 17/08/2013 15:56

I would ask dh to txt her to come for dinner from dh phone and see what the reply is?

Do it in the evening and give him no warning and watch him.

Why is he getting defensive?

ExcuseTypos · 17/08/2013 15:58

I don't know what to think.

I'd assume she was extremely upset by her dads sudden death so I can understand why she'd want a friend there all night.

However you're Dh mentions sleeping next to her, but that's what makes me a bit suspicious, I can't imagine anyone who's just found out about a sudden death, sleeping much. It's all about confusing.

ExcuseTypos · 17/08/2013 15:58

a bit confusing.

EasyMark · 17/08/2013 16:00

Do you think he has a crush on her?

How did he get her number, did you know he had her number?

EasyMark · 17/08/2013 16:03

Sorry but I think your dh is having an EA and now there is the high chance he had sex with her Sad

everlong · 17/08/2013 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.