DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

[onesiebore]

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

I'd be suspicious about their friendship and the fact they both felt it was a natural thing to do and expect.

Can you check any of their work emails, text? How do they read? Chatty, normal and friendly? Has he spoken about Beth much before? How closely do they work together?

Do you have dc? If so how old?

So. What does the OP do now?

I still have a niggling feeling that is was awfully fortuitous for Beth's dad to pop his clogs while your husband was away overnight at a conference with the pleasant, young and single woman with whom he is a closer friend than any other colleague.

Are you certain that this actually happened, OP?

My Dad died last Autumn, and I agree with trazzle that at some point you are so worn out with crying and the shock, that you fall asleep. That isn't strange, but your DH staying in bed with her is. It is very very intimate. I can only imagine feeling that about a couple of my closest friends, if I had not had DH with me that night. So even if it is true, it suggests to me an ongoing relationship that is exceptionally close.

So now he's called her yesterday, which he didn't mention before when you were checking his texts, and it only came out when he accidentally mentioned speaking to her. Bollocks there was a work question that couldn't wait. Bollocks. What question? Like a pp said, if he's sensitive and caring enough to hold her all night long and be there for her when she woke in the morning then he's sensitive enough NOT to call her about work.

He is lying to you OP, clearly. There's no way he needed to call her for a work question. That doesn't necessarily mean he shagged her, but I think he probably did. I wonder if he will feel the need to visit her this week, and if he'll tell you about it if he does.

Sounds very far fetched.

OP said upthread that her DH had mentioned Beth a few times before.

This thread should be in Classics. Because he's following the script right to the letter.

It was a mutual friend of mine and the other woman who said something that proved he had lied to me in the lead up to the overnight stay.. So it had been planned or at least on the cards as happening at some point. I spent days working it out in my head and checking dates, I have a very good memory. Once one thing clicked, it all clicked and made me realise what a naive trusting fool I'd been. Worse still, he thought as it was so long ago it didn't matter! I ltb on the spot.

What Bant said.

Hiding in plain sight - one of the oldest tricks in the book.
If this was a female friend of long standing that I knew and was pally with also, fair enough.
But a work colleague, who he has gotten close enough to in order to share her bed when she is grieving. Come off it. The flags are there OP, pay attention to them. The 'trusting' him, and he would never do that to me bumff is a red herring. If she wants him around and staying in her bed when her dad has just died, I think the relationship is more close than you thought.

How did the dad die? Sudden, expected?

I agree with bof too, as terrible as this sounds are you sure her dad died?
After all if you were to be at all in doubt if his story it would only be a complete bitch who would question a woman about inapprpriate behaviour whilst she was grieving for her dad right?
Seeing as your husband is so close to this colleague that hd felt he had to stay with her the whole night, I feel if would only be proper if you were to send a condolence card to her family?!

I agree.

See it isn't so much the actual events of the night.

It's the fact that in order for them to have been innocent, he would have had to have a long run up of being close to this woman, and the fact he hasn't mentioned her very much in passing seems to indicate that any closeness was kind of kept from you.

If they had genuinely been good enough mates for this to be plausible, he would have been mentioning her all the time in a nice, innocent, factual kind of way. You'd have heard about her a lot.

But there was none of this, so either he wasn't that close to her and it happened a bit suddenly and wasn't anything to do with being friends, but a lot to do with sex - or it was a long run up to it, which you knew nothing about therefore it cannot be innocent.

Do you follow?

It is an extreme thing to lie about. And very likely to get caught. The next time the op sees Beth (prob with other people around), it would be mentioned about her dad (condolences etc).

Are you sure her dad died that eve? Maybe recently enough for it to be an obvious excuse. She was upset about her dad who had recently died, dh comforted her. It's one thing to comfort someone in shock, a different story entirely if her dad had died days/weeks before.

hmm , wouldn't it have been more normal to arrange for her to be taken home straight away ? I'd be very uncomfortable with that level of intimacy even assuming the situation was as described and it would be highly inappropriate and unprofessional for mere colleagues. He is clearly drip feeding probably in the hope that you find it too sensitive a circumstance to probe further. Maybe it was noted by the others and he feels he has to tell you , but that may also mean it isn't the first time - sorry.

If the two of them have concocted a lie about her dad dying, they are not just shaggers, but monsters. Is that likely?

I'm sure he was shifty when he returned home because he knew he'd done something that very few wives would be delighted about, even though he felt he hadn't done something that was actually wrong. So he felt guilty, and then guilty enough to feel he had to confess to what happened.

And, given that he was already in the doghouse, he probably wouldn't want to be opening up about any contact with her in the wake of this, even though trying to conceal it makes things look worse.

I think he's cocked up - and he knows he's cocked up - and you're justified being angry with him, but I'd be enormously surprised if he'd slept with her.

The clincher for me is the delay in telling her.

Ring up their place of work. You one of Beth's customers (hopefully you can think of some sort of relationship that works) and understand that she is off because she has lost her father. You would like to send her a condolence card, is there someone you could send it to in the office who would make sure she gets it at home?