DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

[onesiebore]

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

I believe him.

The one thing I'd watch out for, Onesie - and it is a conversation that could be worth having with him - is her leaning too much on your husband when she's back at work. A sudden bereavement is a humungous shock; I don't think you can understand unless it's happened to you. I certainly would have wanted a comforting presence when it happened to me (even my crappy XH stepped up well on that one) ... and it's understandable that she may have wished DH would hold her through the night. But she shouldn't have asked, shocked though she was. This makes me think she's happy to lean quite intimately on your husband: her boundaries aren't quite where they should be.

She'll still be emotionally raw when she gets back to work and, taking this episode as a guide, is likely to want him with her a lot - for talking, hugs, and the like. I'm not suggesting for a second that he should refuse friendship & comforting, but he needs to be aware of what is and isn't appropriate - she isn't taking care of that, so he must.

It's great that he told you. This has all the makings of a "Not Just Friends" situation. Being able to discuss it at home, and knowing how to enforce boundaries, are essential.

It's your dh and you know him the best! You know what your instinct is telling you!!! He crossed the line!
He can reduce contact with her, don't tell me that all other colleagues are all best friends, no they are not!
He needs to have boundaries when it comes to other women!!!!

"Suspicious, bitter and negative".

Yes, how negative to not want my husband to snuggle up to another woman all night long.

Tbh, the thought of snuggling up to someone like that, unless they were my husband, a family member or someone I had sexual feelings for, makes my skin crawl. It just seems so inappropriately intimate.

Also, people ordering other people to stop posting - who made you MN moderators? The OP has posted to hear other people's opinions, that's what's happening here.

GoshAnneGorilla! You are right! I don't understand women who are saying its ok or I would be happy for my dh to show sympathy , comfort and support! Really? By spending night with another woman?!?! Really?

This thread is so bizarre.

Ofcourse it's inappropriate for a married man to get into bed and hold a woman other than his wife in his arms all night long. Would he have done it to a male colleague?

There are ways of being there for a work colleague who is going thro a deeply sad time in their life, spooning them doesn't spring to mind as the most obvious way.

I can't imagine wanting to be that intimate with a work colleague at all ever in any of the jobs I've ever worked in.

I can't imagine being OK with it if a partner of mine did it either, in fact I can't imagine outside of MN it being OK with anyone male or female that their partner spent a night in bed with someone comforting them.

Totally inappropriate.

He's attracted to her.

He wouldn't have done it if she were male or ugly.

I can't see anywhere where it is said he 'held her all night long' that seems to be a fabrication in a Chinese whispers style.

Yes my husband would stay with a grieving friend, yes he would stay in the most comfortable place (eg a bed) rather than being uncomfortable on a chair all night because he is a nice guy and not going to cheat on me, and if he IS going to cheat on me, then it's unlikely he is going to concoct some story about it is it? He is going to keep quiet isn't he!

I would believe him. I think he made the wrong decision to stay but I would believe him that nothing happened. Talk of holding her all night etc seems to be incorrect - they fell asleep

I'd say it was something they will need to deal with, though. At some point your DH should say that with hindsight he should have gone back to his own room and that he has told you what happened. It might be a bit awkward between them otherwise.

He wouldn't have done it if she were male or ugly.

Nail. Head.

So true. I'm gonna hammer that point home by saying

• 1

Regardless of what did or didn't happen in that bed, your DH made a massive error of judgement.
He has laid himself open to accusations of inappropriate behaviour, sexual harassment/assault, both professionally and legally.
I know a man who helped a femail colleague back into her room after a work night out, and was arrested the next morning on suspicion of rape. His life was shattered. Only the hotel cctv evidence showing he was in her room for mere seconds cleared his name, but not before he'd had to go through all the forensics and questioning.
On another note, I would second you handing your DH a copy of 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass.

duh, *female!

OP, when he says he can't treat her any differently now because it would be unfair (ie refusing to avoid having one on one lunches and jokey, non-work emails) he is saying that her feelings are more important to him than yours.

I have lots of male colleagues. I work in a male dominated field. I have no expectations of private lunches or jokey emails from any of them.

Having a bit more to go on now, two things strike me OP.

1. Could you clear up the phone call bit. Did he actually speak to her or leave a short message as the call log shows? If he says no, he is lying so you would need to ask why.

2. You have explained that you think this friendship is threatening your relationship. You are, quite reasonably, concerned that he has crossed a line with this particular person. You ask him to cut all contact with her to a bare minimum. His response was to say he can't stop going for lunch with her, etc. as that would 'look funny' to her.

Now THAT is a big red flag. Why would he rather upset his wife than his work colleague? Ask him about that, OP.

Btw, you are doing great. There is a lot to sift through on this thread but you seem to be getting to the nitty gritty of it. Keep talking with him and post here if it helps, or not if it doesn't.

Last nigh I read the OP to my DH and a couple of his male friends.

The consensus of opinion was that yes, having taken the decision to go to her room, he definitely shagged her. They all said that they would not have gone to her room to check up on her as it was totally inappropriate.

I don't think he shagged her but I think garlicagain has nailed it with really good advice

Completely agree with WhoreOfTheWorlds.

Curlew, how I wish I inhabited your world. I did once, but I can't ever again.

I DID trust my husband. I DID think that he loved me exclusively. I DID believe he was my best friend. I DID support him when he was 'depressed' which was 'why' he was so removed from me.

Do you know what that DIDN'T do? It [my innocence] didn't protect me one jot. You see, the mistake you are making is assuming that 'we' have control over another person by what we think, don't think, do, don't do, say, don't say.

We have no control over another person's secret thoughts and secret choices. We have no control over other people's choices to deceive because what they want to do would make us feel terrible.

Whatever this husband really did do, two things are inescapable. He is friends with this woman and cares about her feelings. He did something very inappropriate.

Affairs start at the point of meeting. Not at the point of willie touching. My H was friends with his OW in May behind my back and they got physical in September. The affair started in May. When they signalled liking for eachother Then comes the meetings 'for coffee' and the signalling of attraction then the signalling of availability.

It doesn't just happen. Please accord those of us who have been betrayed some experience of what we have been through. We don't get a thrill out of this. It is utterly devastating. No one will ever hurt me as much as finding that the person I really, really loved didn't care about me quite as much.

I love how people post for an opinion, other people take time and effort to give theirs. Someone else decides the OP should no longer listen or post and rules as such.

Irritating.

Hold on. I have male friends I like immensely and care about. I go for coffee I spend time with them. Not once has anything inappropriate happend or been done or said. Nor would I want it to. Not everyone is incapable of keeping it in their pants or having platonic friendships.

I agree with curlew in so much as some of the "opinions" must be making the OP's head spin in their levels of LTBness. What is she to do? Dump him? I don't think that's good advice. I think talking is the way forward. Yes, her husband made a mistake. Yes, this the level of friendship here is a concern. But I think it can be worked through.