DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

[onesiebore]

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

did you read the post where a poster reminded you that this thread is not about you, your marriage or your husband? you seem to be confused about that.

I did read it properly. I disagree that there is male hating on this thread.

I think there is a lot of male hating on this thread. If a man shows a bit of compassion to a work colleague - its only because she is female, pretty and he wants to have sex with her
and those of us who think differently are clearly all deluded.

Shows a bit of compassion = spending the night in bed with her.

Okayyy.

He could have shown compassion equally well (and more appropriately) by sitting in the bar over a couple of brandies and letting her talk.
Following her to her room when she'd expressly said she wanted to be alone and climbing into her bed is very definitely crossing boundaries, how could you think otherwise?
He knows this, on some level, as he didn't tell the op when he came home; it had to be skull hauled out of him after glooming around looking shifty for 3 days, yet he's refusing to put his wife first by backing off a little as "it would look odd" to the female colleague.
Something is definitely wrong there.

Hmmm...... I think whether or not they had sex is irrelevant. Sharing a bed is hugely disrespectful to you.

I used to be an advocate for close female/male friendships being perfectly OK. And anyone who objected was hung up and jealous. Got bitten on the arse when H's got too close to a co-worker and had an affair. Ha! And looking back I realise that I had what amounted to an EA with a co-worker many years before - during that time we showed massive disrespect to both our partners. It's just too easy for 'friendships' to become something more. Do you know Beth? Are you friends too? That would make it better to my mind but even so, he should have stayed a little more arm's length.

He was uncomfortable about which suggests he knew it wasn't OK. But he told you - so i think forgiveness is in order...but make sure he knows where the boundaries lie in future.

It's lovely that so many of you wouldn't mind your husband doing this. Clearly you can imagine seeking comfort from a colleague in this way, too.

However, the OP does mind, it's made her uneasy and she is troubled that her DH appears to have nurtured a friendship without sharing this fact with her. Beth is not a random colleague, but someone her DH has come to know. Those are her boundaries, they've been transgressed and it's not sitting right with her, so it seems a little odd that so many posters want to deny her her own response. It's just as inappropriate as insisting they must have shagged.

OP, if you're still reading, I think you've been quite measured and should trust your perceptions and reaction. It's not reassuring that your DH's first concern about scaling back the time he spends with Beth was how that would make her feel, in that moment he prioritised her rather than engaging with how you're feeling. That would be a jarring moment in even the most trusting relationship.

fileee777 - yep, I could have been you a few years ago. Oh shame on you, all you mistrusting, insecure man-hating wimmin! My man would never do that! There must be something wrong with your relationship and/or your self-esteem. I learned better the hard way. I really really hope you never do.

I haven't said anything about anyone else being insecure Ormirian not one thing, i have talked about MY feelings about it and the OP's feelings about it and nothing else. There is a lot of man hating on this thread, lots of 'well a man wouldn't do it if she were old or ugly' how is that not lumping a whole half of our species into one quite nasty box?

It is, plain and simple.

I dont think the OP is insecure, i think she has every right to feel the way she does and lay down appropriate boundaries, but saying there is no way he didnt cheat on her is awful, incorrect and misleading. There is no reason for her to think that.

Yes, I would rather believe that my husband is truthful, worth trusting and not going to cheat on me, until the point where i dont have a choice but to believe the opposite. That doesnt make me some sort of push-over, thats just normal behaviour from a woman to her husband. Why the hell would i have married him if i didnt want to believe the best in him?

People are just far far too quick to judge everyone else (or ever other 'man) by their own standards, its horrible to see and if the tables were turned the feminists would be all over it like flies on shit.

People are different, situations are different, you cannot 'know' it all.

FWIW filee, I don't think he did 'cheat' on her in terms of having sex. But I think that sort of emotional intimacy IS cheating.

WhoreoftheWorlds is spot on.

Filee, you're not over burdened with insight here. You seem to be wilfully simplifying it.

well a man wouldn't do it if she were old or ugly

I believe this is, on the whole, true. If "Beth" were like a lady I remember from one of my jobs, who was enormous, horribly surly, wore massive tent dresses, and smelled of wee, I think it is unlikely he would have got in bed with her. If she were a nice elderly lady he wouldn't. The fact that she's young and pretty and "rescu-able" IS relevant.

Bollocks is it man-hating, Filee. In the 20 odd years I've spent in the workforce I've seen more than a few men and women develop relationships that are not affairs, at least not initially, but are more intimate than friendship and well over the boundaries of colleague. Spending the night in a colleagues bed, because it's important to you that they don't wake up alone, is a step beyond compassionate, it's intimate.

Not once, in not a single case, did these connections spring up between people who weren't attracted to each other on some level. Recognising that is not man hating.

Exactly, Lois.

Are people just reading things written in my post that aren't there?

I have (three times now) expressed quite clearly where I feel man-hating has happened, when men have been pushed into the same small box.

I am not going over it again, other peoples inability to read is really not my problem.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

Yes, the not waking up alone thing is really off, isn't it? The theory is fine, but why did he imagine waking up to his face on the pillow beside her would be such a comfort?

Either he's spectacularly arrogant or he had reason to believe that.

How is pointing out that a married man spending the night in bed with a woman other than his wife in order to comfort her, is inappropriate any where close to man hating?

His behaviour was inappropriate.

Dunno the guy from Adam, but I'd bet he wouldn't spend a night in bed with recently bereaved bloke who didn't want to be left alone.

Filee, again, I know that this is not about me. But you simply repeated the same thing that Curlew said and like Curlew that 'your' husband wouldn't do this

until given cause not to THIS is the point. What part of climbing into bed with a single woman is a deeply inappropriate thing to do and crosses boundaries, are you not getting? That this provokes the trust issue you talk about?

This isn't about me you are quite right. This is about this point.

'Personally, as a happily married woman with a wonderful husband, I want to enjoy the knowledge that he loves me and would not cheat on me. If it come to the stage that I have to accept he has cheated on me, then I will deal with that emotion but right now I am enjoying this one. '

Well, that's great. Like I said to Curlew, how lucky you are to have that security state of mind.
The point you and Curlew are completely overlooking/dismissing/minimising is that is exactly what we cynics felt and experienced until 'given cause not to'.

You and Curlew are dismissing our EXPERIENCE. We are NOT cynical because we hate men.
We are cautious because, out of our EXPERIENCE, this incident and all the red flags (friends, lunch together) is giving cause.

Yep fuzzy. H has a really close male friend - he was H's best man when we were wed. They have both been through many crises and supported each other - never felt the need to share a bed. Funny that.