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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

658 replies

onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:07

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

OP posts:
mrsdinklage · 19/08/2013 15:54

Viv I agree, as I said upthread, my X would have DTD, my DH would have gone to check on her, and would have been stupid ? enough to stay to ensure she was OK.
The reason I got so engrossed with this thread is - it is the exactly the thing my DH would do and I trust him - and he would be too dumb to tell me straight away. But other posters seem to think that I am totally misguided - because obviously 2 people cannot share a bed and not have sex Confused
I could be wrong - the majority of posters have found him guilty - and the lack of empathy for a woman who has just lost her df is Sad
When my DF died sex was not on my mind.
I cried myself to sleep - then woke up empty - and some posters think onsie should have rung/emailed/fb'd just to check he was dead Shock If someone had rung me to confirm it I would have used some very strong and abusive language to them.
onsie I hope you are feeling ok Flowers

Vivacia · 19/08/2013 15:55

Nice username Mrs Dinklage!.

filee777 · 19/08/2013 15:59

I'm with you dink that might make me misguided and 'ripe' to be cheated on, but I will trust him with my everything until he gives me a reason not to.

mrsdinklage · 19/08/2013 16:02

exactly filee - we are talking about a woman who has just been bereaved - not a quick shag at the xmas party

mrsdinklage · 19/08/2013 16:02

Thanks Viv xpost

gillywillywoo · 19/08/2013 16:10

Hi mrsdinklage.. I'm mrslannister.. Nice to meet you Grin

gillywillywoo · 19/08/2013 16:11

And if your username is not related to Peter dinklage/GoT then please just ignore me.

GrinGrinGrin

KristinaM · 19/08/2013 16:15

I have great sympathy for anyone who has been bereaved. But my sympathy does not extend to being happy for my Dh to spend the night in a bed beside a single attractive female colleague who is also a close friend when they have both been drinking. As other have pointed out, even if they did not have sex, he is jeopardising his job.

And I resent the suggestions repeated down the thread, that anyone who would object has no sympathy or understanding. Indeed, if you have been in that position yourself you woudl be aware that your judgement is imparted, by the shock, grief and the alcohol. So it's extremely unwise and unhelpful thing to do, for both of them. Even if you are single, waking up to discover that you have slept with your married colleague isn't going to help her in her bereavement is it?

everlong · 19/08/2013 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KristinaM · 19/08/2013 16:20

I mean impaired, not imparted

curlew · 19/08/2013 16:32

"It doesn't just happen. Please accord those of us who have been betrayed some experience of what we have been through. We don't get a thrill out of this. It is utterly devastating. No one will ever hurt me as much as finding that the person I really, really loved didn't care about me quite as much."

With the greatest of respect, this thread isn't about you, it's about the op. Something horrible has happened to her, and I just don't see how 500 posts all saying that her partner is definitely lying and having an affair is going to help her. She has to decide what she wants to do. I think she has probably got the message that the vast majority think he is an adulterous bastard. How is piling even more on going to help? Except to paralyse her thought processes even further?

Sallystyle · 19/08/2013 16:44

Great post Wobbly.

Curlew, surely if OP wants the post removed she can request it? or stop reading.

She asked for advice, I didn't know we have thread police here who tell us when we should stop posting.

You don't get to decide when people stop posting. The OP is the only who gets to decide that she wants this thread pulled.

What is the magic number of posts when people should stop giving their opinions?

And you know? in a few weeks or months time, if something else happens to make her doubt things, all these replies might turn out to be helpful to her.

curlew · 19/08/2013 17:37

Oh, don't be silly. Of course nobody can tell you whether or not you can post.

But I have a perfect right to suggest that people stop and to explain why. And it is incredibly disingenuous of people to suggest they are doing to to help the OP-maybe the first couple of hundred- but 500 practically identical posts? No- they are doing it because it's tittilating and gossipy, and we tend not to have garden fences to gossip over any more!

gillywillywoo · 19/08/2013 17:43

Curlew.. With the greatest of respect, this thread isn't about you either!

We don't all have the same opinion... Infact I've seen many different posts and opinions/views on here about this.

This is a thread like any other... A topic like any other.

There are threads on here where someone's DH has done far worse and the threads have gone on and on with every twist and turn up to 1000 posts! And then a new thread has started up and it's gone on even further.

Why do you keep posting asking people to stop posting and to lay it to rest? If you don't like it.. Don't read it!

I don't think the OP would've posted on here if she didnt want people's opinions.

This is a FORUM after all!!

I really don't want this to sound like I'm having a go at you because I kinda get why you think this should just come to an end now... but people are entitled to keep posting unless the OP specifically asks for this thread to be removed.

Nothing you can say will stop people posting and actually what you're saying is compelling people to post things like this back to you and therefore keeping this thread current!

somersethouse · 19/08/2013 17:48

I actually think half the opinions (mine included - if I am allowed to give it Hmm ) are that he did not have sex, but more that he had crossed a line and that their friendship was not what the OP thought and certainly isn't now.

I think many, many people think he did NOT have sex with the grieving lady.

Everyone can see it was not appropriate as she is a work collegue. That is the main worry here.

Well said gilly Smile

Quaffle · 19/08/2013 17:49

I'm sure that the woman in question is bright enough that losing her father won't cloud her judgement enough to NOT realise how inappropriate having another woman's husband in her bed all night is Hmm

I can tell you that losing my parents was devastating - but on neither occasion did I lose my mind enough that I'd have let that situation happen. Even if I'd been friends with the man, common sense and respect for his WIFE would stop me.

gillywillywoo · 19/08/2013 17:55

Also my opinion from the very beginning is that the OPs DH probably didn't have sex or anything like that... But he did cross a line (in my opinion) that I don't think a loving husband should cross.

I know my husband would never do such a thing.. He wouldn't feel comfortable sharing a bed with another woman... Unless he was ACTUALLY up to no good! Grin and I trust him and believe that would never happen.

Yeah there are some posts on here that simply say "OP you're an idiot. He shagged her"... Those posts are a bit silly in my eyes as no one knows that for sure and its not fair to say things like that really.

However I truly think that the majority of posts on here are well constructed posts and the opinions of real women - wives/girlfriends etc - who are simply telling the OP how they would feel and what they would think/believe in this situation.

Surely that's what the OP wanted?!

BlazinStoke · 19/08/2013 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlazinStoke · 19/08/2013 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDoctrineOfJetlag · 19/08/2013 20:00

People react to grief differently. When I called my DBro to tell him our grandad had died, he asked when the funeral was and hung up - he was too upset to stay on the phone. It doesn't make her behaviour suspicious that she went to her room to cry, FFS.

FrameyMcFrame · 19/08/2013 20:09

they shared a bed. not bodily fluids

CuriosityCola · 19/08/2013 20:10

Agree with Gilly's post entirely.

WhoreOfTheWorlds · 19/08/2013 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Parmarella · 19/08/2013 21:33

I would say whether they had sex or not is a detail.

Fact is it was inappropriate and crossed boundaries of normal behaviour.

It is inappropriate behaviour, he is not her brother, best friend or husband.

He overstepped the mark. ALL his colleagues will lnow they spent the night together, holding hands or .... Whatever.

That in itself is crap. If a relative died I would never expect my boss or the guy from IT to spend the night in the bed with me.

I might ask a colleague to sit and chat, male or female, but spending the night in bed with a member of the opposite sex is way too intimate, sex or no sex.

The sex bit is red herring. This is about intimacy and overstepping boundaries.

Would he have happily spent the night in bed with Harry from accounts when he was upset? Or with 67 year old Bess?

Bet this woman was neither old nor bad looking.... Nor a guy! If it was with58 year old Bernard from accounts with the grizzly beard the story would have been quite sweet ...

forehead · 19/08/2013 21:34

The posters who have asked people to stop posting are actually making the situation worse, as their 'policing' of the thread gets poster's backs up and almost encourages them to post.
The OP, has already stated that she does not think that her husband slept with the woman, but is concerned that there is some emotional connection between her dh and the woman. Based on her posts, detailing her dh's reaction, i am inclined to agree with her. Ultimately, it is the OP's business what she chooses to do, but when one asks for advice on a public forum, one will get advice .It may not be what you want to hear, but it gives one an idea about how others may view the situation.