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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

658 replies

onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:07

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

OP posts:
gillywillywoo · 18/08/2013 22:09

I've said previously on this thread that I personally think the OPs DH is probably a nice guy who genuinely cared for his colleague and was concerned about her.

I expect he left a 20 second voicemail and then thought "fuck it.. I'll go check on her quickly"

She was probably in a mess and he decided he would stay.

HOWEVER... If the above is true.. In my opinion, he really shouldn't have gone to her room and he REALLY shouldn't have stayed in her room.

That's crossing a line. They are work colleagues and now they are a male and female work colleague that have shared a bed in a hotel room during an emotional time . I expect the woman will feel very close to the OPs DH now and feel as if they shared something special (which i suppose they did).

It will probably also cause rumours in their work place.

It's caused the OP to feel concerned and worried. Her DH has been acting shifty. None of this would've happened if he didnt share a bed with this woman... Innocent or not.
He should've known it was inappropriate and would cause suspicion and anxiety.

OP your DH made a big mistake and he needs to know that.

If you don't suspect anything else went on then forgive him and move on. If any part of you thinks otherwise then do what you need to do to find out. Truth always comes out in the end anyway.

Bit like I said.. If you trust him then that's the end of it really.

Trazzletoes · 18/08/2013 22:11

She didn't pick up. It went to voicemail. He left a message and then went up to check on her because she hasn't answered.

Perfectly plausible.

BOF · 18/08/2013 22:19

This whole thing is quacking like a duck to me. So i would be inclined to treat it like a duck. I'm not saying that people who are old friends can't spend the night innocently, nor that some posters would not have partners they trust implicitly who would be capable of doing this while remaining above reproach. But I've not heard many stories about them on mumsnet, it has to be said.

What I am saying is that a) these aren't old friends, but possibly over-familiar recent colleagues; b) the relationships which ARE as trusting as some posters are describing are characterised by honesty, not shiftiness; and c) that lots of posters (myself included) trust their partners, but that is because they are confident that their partners have the kind of boundaries that would never allow this sort of situation to arise.

I still want to know whether the OP actually knows for sure that this bereavement actually happened. Because if it didn't, that twenty second call looks awfully like a "Hey, the coast is clear, shall I come up?" call to me.

I hope I'm wrong.

BOF · 18/08/2013 22:24

Oh, and the call thing starts counting from pick up or answerphone picking up. Just to clarify. So it was either a brief conversation, or a voicemail message.

Sallystyle · 18/08/2013 22:25

I'm sorry but I think you are having the wool pulled over your eyes.

I don't mistrust my husband because he never has given me reason to, but if he was to ever share a bed with another woman I would be digging much deeper. Not blindly trusting him. The divorce courts are packed with people who trusted their partners not to cheat after all. I am never going to be naive enough to have a massive warning sign and just blindly trust.

The level of intimacy they obviously have to even share a bed is not healthy or normal.

How many people here can honestly say they are comfortable enough to share a bed with a co-worker?

I really hope I am wrong but I would bet my last penny on the fact that there is much more going on then you want to believe. The fact that he told you suggests that he was probably caught or trying to cover his tracks.

This level of intimacy suggests they are VERY close. None of it adds up so please keep your eyes open.

curlew · 18/08/2013 22:26

Might it be a good idea if people stopped posting on this thread now?

Maryz · 18/08/2013 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everlong · 18/08/2013 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tillyo · 18/08/2013 22:50

Can you not ask when the funeral is so you can send some flowers? If he is close I'm sure he would want to. It's hard what to say but unless he confesses I don't think your ever know fully x

Original poster
onesiebore · 18/08/2013 22:54

Ok one more attempt to answer questions then I think I have to move on from this. I'm grateful for people's opinions but it's starting to panic me

I'm sure her Dad died - I've seen messages from her and messages from other colleagues that reference her being off because of it - dh may be stupid but he's not weird enough to come up with a story like this to try to cover his tracks. Even if they had been seen I don't know any of his colleagues well enough to think they would tell me. It's a blokey industry and I only see them once a year so don't think any of them would have any loyalty to me.

DH's story is that they'd had a meal and a few drinks as part of a group, she got this call at about 11 with the news, I have no idea why her family or whoever told her thought it was news that she should hear like that but she did. He said she took this call, came back to the group crying and hurried off. The others were ready to go to bed anyway so they all went to go back to their rooms and the others said that DH should check that she was ok. He said he tried calling her, she didn't answer so he went and knocked on her door and that's when she told him what had happened. He said he sat with her a while but she wouldn't stop crying, that they were both sat upright on the bed and that he had put his arm round her, he said that he felt awkward about it but that he couldn't just push her off and get up and leave so eventually when she'd calmed down a little and looked like she was falling asleep he laid down and they fell asleep. Then he woke up, she was packing and then she left and he went back to his room.

I'm not blindly trusting him - I'm pissed off and upset that he thought this was an ok thing to do but I do believe that he's not having an affair with her. At least not a physical affair, I am just worried he's too close to her

OP posts:
Doha · 18/08/2013 22:59

Denial is not just a river in Egypt OP.

Your life your marriage your husband....but nothing will change except he will hide it better in future.

Good luck l think you will need it

grobagsforever · 18/08/2013 23:06

Good for you OP. I don't understand the screaming masses insisting they had sex. Ridiculous. If my DP did this I'd be fine with it. It's lovely your DH looked after this poor woman. Ignore the hysterical accusations. Hell I'd do this for an opposite sex friend with a clear conscience.

Maryz · 18/08/2013 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlew · 18/08/2013 23:09

And no more posting on this thread maybe?

forehead · 18/08/2013 23:16

Curfew-- please take your own advice and STOP
Posting fgs.
I wish you the best OP. Trust your instincts.

gillywillywoo · 18/08/2013 23:21

Didn't realise you were a moderator curlew Grin

ChippingInHopHopHop · 18/08/2013 23:21

As I said before, I am very suspicious these days, but I know how I felt when my Dad died, and to me, your DH sounds like a lovely bloke who did a kind thing.

I can see why you are worried they might now be 'too close for your comfort' & I think you should talk to him about this... but on the other hand, he's an adult - you can't tell him who he can and can't be friends with and what contact he is and isn't allowed with his friends - all you can do is tell him how you feel, where you boundaries are drawn and what you will do if they are crossed then leave him to it.

BOF · 18/08/2013 23:52

I hope you're right- you do know him better than any of us. Just bear in mind that now he knows he's worried you, he should make an effort to back off/include her in the wider group more. I'm sure you know that though.

Good luck Smile

^ not a Bonsoir smilie

cronullansw · 19/08/2013 00:13

My wifes Dad died recently, suddenly.

She didn't feel sexy that night. she definitely wasn't up for shagging work mate - or anyone.

I'm with Curlew, and OP should walk away from this thread, as it's got too much stuff from suspicious, bitter and negative posters who can only possibly see the bad in anything a male does.

BOF · 19/08/2013 00:25

I've had mainly good relationships, am very happy in the one I'm in, and I like men in general, cronullansw. But I've read enough on the Relationships board to know what many posters' experience is.

ThisIsMummyPig · 19/08/2013 00:31

Your OP asked if you should be annoyed, and the answer is yes, because your husband was unprofessional.

I also think he is a remarkable man. If any of the men I worked with (or my DH for that matter) saw a woman crying, they would be out of there as fast as possible.

I don't think he is shagging her, I don't think he wants to shag her I think he is probably worried about his situation with her (she could easily file a complaint against him) and with you.

There are a lot of bitter people on here tonight.

AmberLeaf · 19/08/2013 01:08

It's one thing being trusting of your partner, but being so trusting that you miss big fat red flags is another entirely.

I think this scenario stinks tbh. Its his reactions and manner as described by the OP that make me think that.

Something inappropriate happened and that's why he felt the need to 'confess'

12345Floris · 19/08/2013 01:20

If my boyfriend got into bed with another woman and stayed there all night cuddling her, he would never get into my bed again.

YoniSingWhenYoureWinning · 19/08/2013 01:33

Curlew, maybe this isn't the thread for you Grin

OP, you need to decide how you are going to manage this situation. Your DH has become VERY close to a female colleague (and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say she's attractive. I strongly suspect she is.) Don't just close your eyes to this.

YoniSingWhenYoureWinning · 19/08/2013 01:35

"suspicious, bitter and negative posters who can only possibly see the bad in anything a male does."

OK, if that's what it's called if you have a problem with your husband spending the night in bed with another woman, then fine. I guess I'm suspicious, bitter and negative. But not a fool.