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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

658 replies

onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:07

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

OP posts:
Original poster
onesiebore · 18/08/2013 20:04

It was last Christmas that I met her

OP posts:
voddiekeepsmesane · 18/08/2013 20:04

filee I could understand if it was a close friend that my DP had known for years. But this is a colleague of the husbands and as far as the OP was concerned NOT a close friend. Her worries are that if they felt they needed one another company at a time like this then the relationship is more than she thought and she had no idea.

coffeeinbed · 18/08/2013 20:36

I would believe him, I think.
It's such a British thing to do - someone asks you for something - you might feel it's out of order but you find yourself nodding and agreeing.
Because it's awkward as is, so you don't want to make it worse...
OP, you're the only the only one who knows him.

Quiltcover · 18/08/2013 20:42

How long has Beth worked with your dh? In my experience it takes about a year for close friendships to develop at work. It is very gradual, and quite normal to become close, especially when working away etc. your dh needs to recognise these boundaries, basic as it sounds and tedious, but he should be thinking with each interaction - how would my dw perceive this?

Do you think your dh would find her attractive?

Quiltcover · 18/08/2013 20:43

Does he know much about her personal life? How recently single is she?

SlightlyJaded · 18/08/2013 20:52

I don't think anything "happened between them"

But I think it's just a breath away

I think he fancies her and whilst he probably is genuinely kind and wanted to comfort her, a part of him also wanted to be the 'shoulder to cry on'/special friend/hero.

It sounds like this is one of those friendships that might never cross a line (apart from this obvious one) but on the right day, with the right amount of wine....

Get whatever guarantees you need from him on order to feel secure.

FWIW, I am pretty relaxed about things in general. My DH and one of my best friends ended up sharing a tent at a festival for two nights when I had to work at the last minute and it didn't bother me in the slightest. But I am close to them BOTH, trust them both and they rang me so often I had to ask them to. Stop.

I have also left DH crashed at a female friends house when I couldn't rouse him after a night out and wanted to get home. He fell asleep on her bed (at her offering) and when I left she was knackered so may well have gone up to sleep next to him although I suspect she slept on the sofa. I never asked.

For me the big difference is the closeness I feel to my friends and the fact that there is no friendship between my DH and them from which I am excluded.

This is the key difference (for me) in your situation and the reason why you should ask him to pull back.

MikeOxard · 18/08/2013 21:16

Didn't he say he had tried to call her before he went to her room, and he went there because she didn't answer? Surely then the obvious thing to do, and the only thing you can do to know for sure if he is telling lies or not (at least about that bit) is to check the call record on his mobile and see if he did make a call to her that night. You can then see the timing of that call as well (if there was one) - since he said it was too late to call you at that time.

If you want the truth, check.

WhoreOfTheWorlds · 18/08/2013 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BerkshireMum · 18/08/2013 21:23

Haven't had time to read the whole thread - sorry.

Going against the grain a bit, but my DH would do the same for a couple of his colleagues if they were in the same position and I'd understand. I'm not a saint, and I wouldn't like it, but I'd understand.

Recently, a friend of mine died suddenly whilst her DH was away. A colleague of his stayed with him that night and travelled home with him the next day. In that instance, the colleague was male, but it shows that the need is sometimes there.

I do agree it's sensible for him to pull back from the friendship a bit though - or to involve you more. Shared emotional moments like that change the dynamics of a relationship of any type.

Original poster
onesiebore · 18/08/2013 21:23

Forgot to say - I did check that, there was a call on there at about 11 although it said 20 seconds, I don't know if it meant it rang for 20 seconds and she didn't answer or whether she must have answered

She's been there about a year

OP posts:
WhoreOfTheWorlds · 18/08/2013 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quiltcover · 18/08/2013 21:32

You are avoiding the question as to whether she is your dh type. Not trying to upset you, but i think it's significant.

I reiterate from what you have said, that I think your dh was loyal and nothing happened.

Prior to this was your relationship ok? Do you have young dc?

Many many men who are thoroughly decent, seem to act out if character after a new baby. Men who are happily married, just seen to look elsewhere in some form either porn, seeking attention or at worst an affair. It is very selfish, but I have seen it happen many times with the men I work with. They often snap out if it once things have settled down babywise!

Don't get too hyped by all the posters on here. Not every man is guilt! Your dh story does ring true. Men often act shifty and avoid confrontation. He told you because he was honest. You prob would never have known otherwise. But it has highlighted the blurred boundaries.

tallwivglasses · 18/08/2013 21:37

Hmm, would it not have indicated a missed call? What questions have you asked him OP? What she was wearing, what he was wearing, at what point did he get in to bed with her, was the light on/off. etc...if he's guilty he'll dig his own grave.

I hope he was just misguided Sad

newforest · 18/08/2013 21:41

The 20 seconds could have been leaving an answer phone message or she could have answered and sounded so distraught that he felt he should go and check on her so it was a quick call. Or she could have asked him to come over and at best he felt obliged.

I asked my boyfriend if he would ever sleep in the same bed as another woman who was really upset. He pulled a funny face and said: "why would you need to sleep in the bed; I would sleep on a chair or something if I couldn't leave.". I was shocked a bit by his answer, as I see as the type who would think it was perfectly innocent. It's not really is it, and your husband needs to know this. Does he acknowledge it was a step too far for you to be at ease with?

KristinaM · 18/08/2013 21:44

I don't believe a word of it

Why did he get really drunk with a female colleague when they were working the next day?

Why would a family member call her and tell her her father had died suddenly when she was obviously drunk?

Why didn't she get a taxi or public transport back home?

Why didnt a family member or friend come for her?

Why would he spend the night in her room, let alone in her bed?

Totally implausible IMHO

MikeOxard · 18/08/2013 21:45

I think it only starts counting once they pick up, so I'd suspect it was a call to say 'shall I come up' 'yes come up', for that time frame, rather than a 'she didn't pick up so I had to go and see her' as he suggested. But again, check! Call your phone from his phone and don't pick up, then call and pick up for 20 seconds - see what matches the entry on the call log for that night.

I would also be wanting to know at what point did he get under the covers, what was the conversation at that point? Similarly, at what point, and why, did he take off his shoes?

gillywillywoo · 18/08/2013 21:47

20 seconds is a suspiciously short call.

FYI it means she answered and the call lasted 20 seconds. If she didnt answer it wouldn't show a call duration.

20 seconds doesn't seem long enough to have a conversation of any type.

"just calling to see if you're ok"

"Oh thanks.. No.. I'm not okay.. I'm so upset.. Don't know what to do...

"Listen, it's horrible news.. I'm so sorry..." Etc etc

A conversation like above would last longer than 20 seconds especially if it ended up in him offering to go to her room or her asking him to come along.

20 seconds is more like "hi im coming to your room. What's your room number?"

"Room 150 see you in a sec"

Catch my drift?!

gillywillywoo · 18/08/2013 21:48

Unless he left a short voicemail (fair enough) but why then decide to go to her room?

Ask him.

MikeOxard · 18/08/2013 21:50

newforest Sun 18-Aug-13 21:41:38
"The 20 seconds could have been leaving an answer phone message or she could have answered and sounded so distraught that he felt he should go and check on her so it was a quick call. Or she could have asked him to come over and at best he felt obliged."

^ Newforest yes it could've been any of those, except for the fact that the oh said the reason he had to go up to her room was that he had tried to call her, but she didn't pick up...

Viviennemary · 18/08/2013 21:53

I don't think I'd care about how many seconds it took him to get under the covers!! He went to bed with her and that is just simply not acceptable. The whole thing sounds a total made-up tale of guilt to me. The more I read this thread the more I think it's nothing more than a cover story for an affair.

TheSecondComing · 18/08/2013 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlew · 18/08/2013 22:01

Please, OP, just hide this thread and never ever look at it again. It will fuck with your brain. Shut the computer and talk to your bloke. You have a lot at stake here. And this hysterical soap opera chorus IS NOT HELPING. At all.

gillywillywoo · 18/08/2013 22:02

I'm not writing a script. I'm thinking of what can be said between 2 people in 20 seconds!

Not very much is the answer.

And HOW in 20 seconds can you go from checking if someone is ok... To going to their room in the middle of the night unless it was already your intention to do it?

It's weird.

Unless of course she was absolutely fucking hysterical and he was seriously concerned about her.

OR like I said before, maybe he left a voicemail. But then why did he decide to go to her room? Why not just go to be if she didnt pick up?!

MrsSchadenfreude · 18/08/2013 22:02
MikeOxard · 18/08/2013 22:07

"I don't think I'd care about how many seconds it took him to get under the covers!!"

It's not about that - it's about getting him to explain what the trigger was for him getting under the covers. You don't just invite yourself in. What exactly did she say to him or he say to her, which then led to him picking up the covers and getting underneath them with her? WHat was the dialogue when this happened? If he can explain that fine, if he can't, or won't...

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