DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

[onesiebore]

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

I would find it very uncomfortable yes.

If he wasn't acting weird and told me about it though I'd probably say fair enough but don't you think it's a little inappropriate? Perhaps you could've given her a hug and promised to sleep beside her bed on a chair/sofa etc.

However, him acting weird about it suggest there could be something else involved. But again, I wouldn't be sure and I wouldn't leave him just for that, it seems insane to do so.

he can't cut her out completely or treat her differently to how he'd treat the guys So would he have stayed with a guy in that situation ?

I'm not necessarily thinking he's lying but he doesn't seem to have a clear concept of where the boundaries lie. Maybe he has more invested emotionally in this friendship than she does, so it hasn't or won't progress further, but lunches together won't have gone unnoticed either so there will be office speculation and this will fuel it. Will they have to travel on work related visits and overnights again ? Think about how you will feel if so .

He is telling himself it won't go too far, and may even believe it, but I still think it already has.

One thing is for sure, he doesn't want to give it up. He is on dangerous territory and from what you have just written, he is prepared to reassure you verbally but he isn't putting his money where his mouth is. By offering to let up.

Also why hasn't he mentioned all this contact in the past. He knows why, and so do you if you think about it.

He is uncomfortable, isn't he, with volunteered openness here. Why is that?

Some of this stuff may be helpful, especially the bits about boundaries and work.

or treat her differently to how he'd treat the guys.

So is he saying he would have shared a bed with one of the guys if they had lost a parent?

I don't think you're asking him to treat her any differently. Most colleagues don't have one friend that they go to lunch with exclusive of anyone else - you go out in a gang. It might be just two of you, but not routinely the same two. Does he send that volume of email to anyone else?

He needs to stop going for lunch with her alone - completely.

The chatty non-work emails need to stop.

You need to ask him if he would have shared a bed with a bereaved male colleague. And if not, why not?

You need to ask him why everyone in the group urged him to go to her, due to their closeness.

That does not have to be the last conversation about this issue which threatens your sense of trust and security so deeply.

Stay strong.

"He said he can't cut her out completely or treat her differently to how he'd treat the guys."

Assuming he is not her boss, it is normal to treat colleagues of the opposite sex different from those of the same sex. I am more conscious of who will talk if I am seen going for lunch one-to-one with a male colleague regularly. Most workplaces are hot beds for gossip and it does not take much for others to start speculating. I think your dh is being naive.

This is borne out by the fact that the other men on the conference agreed that your dh was closest to this female colleague. People Have Noticed.

You are within your rights to ask him to restrict contact with her. He must agree that it is an issue and not just say, ok but it is fine really.

It is NOT fine. It is massively disrespectful to you for him to get himself in a situation where his colleagues note his special connection with this single lady colleague. With inappropriate behaviour (bed-sharing ffs) on top of that, he is being very very foolish and reckless. HR-wise, he is playing with fire. Giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming he is telling the truth, what if this lady turns round and accuses him of harassing her. How will it look? I don't think he will have much of a leg to stand on.

Female colleagues ARE different. He has to be that much more conscious of how it look (re: other colleagues) and how it will be perceived (by the female colleague).

This is exactly the sort of thing I might have done when single.

In fact I did, once, at university, with a girl on the same course whose father had finally disowned the rest of the family, ie her and her mother for good. She asked me over for a coffee, then asked me to staym and as it was a shared house I stayed in her bed.

There was no sexual undercurrent at all, so I kept my boxers on, as I do whenever I am sharing a bed with someone with whom I don't want to have sex.

So I think it is plausible enough that your DH didn't sleep with Beth.

But reflecting on it now, if the girl I slept next to had had a boyfriend and he had walked in on us the next morning I can well imagine what it would have looked like. Similarly now that I am married, in the same situation, I think I would have made the best of a makeshift bed on the floor and saying that, as a married man, it wouldn't really be appropriate to bunk up next to another woman.

I think it is believable that your DH probably meant well and didn't actually cheat on you, but rather overstepped what most spouses would approve of. A chat about what to do should a similar situation arise in future would seem to be in order.

This post has been approved by BadLad's DW - the views herein may not necessarily be those of the author.

I'm so sorry and I can imagine you can't stop thinking about this; I would be so angry - how would your DH feel if you slept next to a man all night? I think there is more to this story than your DH is letting on.
I have asked my DH for his opinion on this - he thinks your DH is lying. His reasons are that they were drinking so judgement affected and he just doesn't think this is appropriate behaviour for a married man - why didn't he sleep in a chair / on the floor? He doesn't understand why your DH stayed in the room overnight at all.

In order to feel comfortable cuddling up in bed together - even platonically - they would have to be very, very close friends.
If they were close enough friends to do that, the texts between them since would have been far warmer.

Things just don't stack up here.

I suspect that you may have to give him the benefit of the doubt wrt sexual intercourse.

But the intimacy is an issue. The fact that he was deemed to be the appropriate person to go and comfort her, the fact that he did not just chat to her at the door of her room and then leave...also, the implied intimacy of cuddling/holding each other while lying down is quite significant.

Iirc, most hotel rooms have a chair of some description. If he went to her room (assuming he is a nice compassionate guy who just wantd to help) and they got talking, as might be very likely, he could have sat down in the chair to take the weight off his feet. Not decided to lie down next to her...

He said he can't cut her out completely or treat her differently to how he'd treat the guys.

so if it had been one of the guy's dad's that had died would he have doen the same ---don't think so.
I would feel a wee bit more comfortable if l knew that Beth's dad had died although if l had had that news l would have been going home there and then by any means when l got the news.

Having been the lone female business traveler I can see it from both sides. It is okay to go for breakfast/lunch/dinner with an opposite sex colleague when on a business trip.

but but but

The following are boundaries not to be crossed:

• staying on for an extra half day to do a bit of sightseeing with just one colleague
• going out to different restaurants/bars from other colleagues
• betraying marital confidences with a special colleague

As soon as the above starts then the relationship with the colleague is straying into dangerous territory. I have seen colleagues make absolute prats of themselves especially when a more junior colleague looks to take advantage of an inappropriate friendship.

Thinking about it further....

I have a male work colleague I'm closer to than the rest. We did our training together at college and years later ended up at the same firm. I wouldn't bat an eyelid going for lunch alone with him, we text each other all the time about work and personal matters. I've met his fiancée, he's met DS and DP, though none a number of times. I don't fancy him one iota. We just get on really well. I think in Beth's situation he would do the same as your DP.
I know neither of our OH would be over the moon should it happen though.

That would ring alarm bells. Doesn't treat her different from the guys. Presumably he wouldn't have shared a bed with a male colleague under the same circumstances. Lunches out now as well No. This is just simply not on. If it isn't a already an affair it will be very soon.

He said he wouldn't have stayed with a male colleague as they wouldn't have wanted him to but if he'd been really concerned he would have slept on the floor (so he obviously knows that sleeping on the bed was a big step further on to just being there and wouldn't have got that close to another man). He said he meant that he couldn't not go to lunch with her or something when he would go with one of the guys as it was hard for her being the only female and that if they didn't treat her the same she'd be left out as there weren't many other women

I'm sure her Dad has died but DH hasn't said anything about attending the funeral. I asked if he wanted to send a card but he said work would be sending her one from all of them.

sorry but l just don't believe him.

close enough to be worried enough to go to her room when he dad died BUT not sent a card
close enough to sleep in her bed BUT not to send a card
close enough to go out for lunch alone with BUT not sent a card
close enough to text and email BUT not sent a card

I'm sorry, I've been following this thread and I think he is lying. He has given you half a story to almost cover his tracks.. I have been here, changing a few minor details and the end result is that I found out two yrs later that he had cheated but absolved his guilt by 'sparing' me the details!

It was no loss for me, my dp was and still is an arse but I'm annoyed that I wasted two years worrying that my children needed us together when if I had known the truth I could have been free.

I don't think you want to face the truth.

This is just too weird. Sure knock on door , make sure she is ok, stay the night, no...give a hug, say you will make sure she is ok in the morning, stay the night, no. Turn it around would he have been happy with you staying with a male friend in the same bed in a hotel room?

Those who say that they would be fine with it and they have plenty of platonic opposite sex friendships are all well and fine but what do the partners feel. I have seen too many 'platonic' friendships turn to something else. It doesn't take much just a little step and it becomes at best inappropriate at worst an affair.

I don't think that anything happened in bed. And I actually don't think that your dh thinks anything is inappropriate about their relationship (except the bed sharing).
However if he was to write down the following:
Works closely with Beth
Go on business trips
Have lunch together
Share jokey emails
Contact regularly
Perceived by colleagues as being close
Sharing a bed

It becomes quite obvious that the normal friendly working relationship has become blurred. Your dh may not even have noticed. But as his dw, you feel it is inappropriate and it is.

How long ago did you meet Beth? I think she probably has feelings for your dh, he may not even realise it, but he has allowed himself to become close and perhaps enjoys the attention and being needed by a younger woman

Your dh needs to make the relationship purely professional. Obviously lunches on business trips can't be avoided, but alcohol free, grabbing a sandwich etc, avoid engaging in personal talk etc

I think he is talking out of his arse.

I can understand why it happened, I can understand his reaction to it (being jumpy) I would be worried if my marriage had other signs but I would not be worried otherwise. I have just found out an old friend has cancer and is likely to die any day, I will go to London to the funeral with an old flame, spend the evening getting drunk and crash out with said friend in his bed. Nothing will happen and DH knows this.

It is possible for a man and woman to share a bad and not have sex with each other.