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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

658 replies

onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:07

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

OP posts:
northernlurker · 17/08/2013 23:51

I trust my dh. He's a compassionate type with a lot of women friends and colleagues. In the situation the OP outlines it's certainly not impossible that he would support a bereaved friend by staying with them BUT I'm pretty damn sure he would also have rung or texted me to say what had happened and what he was doing - not least so I could help him know what to say! In the OP's case it does sound like something's missing from this story. I don 't find it totally unbelieveable or suspicious though because I know it's possible for men to be very good friends with women they aren't shagging and have never shagged.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/08/2013 23:57

"Possibly she slept in her clothes because she was pissed, it does happen."

But she wasn't pissed.

Not according to the account given by the person who was with her.

reelingintheyears · 18/08/2013 00:30

I thought she couldn't drive home because she'd been drinking.

Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive)

ChippingInHopHopHop · 18/08/2013 00:34

Thank you Flogging.

Helly the OP said, that her DH said, they didn't get undressed. I think the 'bed' is a red herring really, it's a hotel room, it's unlikely there was anywhere else to sit - unlike if you were at home. So to me, there's no difference between them sleeping (dressed) on a bed or falling asleep on the sofa (as they might have if they had been in a house, not a hotel room). It's not like they were in a house and she asked him to go up to her bedroom with her.

FloweryOwl · 18/08/2013 02:29

This wouldn't be okay with me. My DH would never put himself in this situation in the first place as he would also find it inappropriate, but only you know your DH and what sort of person he is. He may of just been coming from a good place, or they could of been more to it. I find it odd personally but everyone is different in how they are with other people and what is normal for them.

I will say though, when I was 19 I worked in a hotel and me and a few colleagues went to work in another hotel to cover their xmas party. Afterwards we all got drunk in the hotel, we was staying overnight, and I ended up sleeping with one of my colleagues and spending the night in his room. Anyway XP asked me why I was being shifty, I told him I had stayed in the colleagues room. After a few days of pressing and complete guilt I finally fessed up. Hopefully this isn't what happened in your case OP but don't just dismiss it as something that he definitely wouldn't do.

YoniSingWhenYoureWinning · 18/08/2013 06:38

Maryz, I completely trust my husband. I have not (to my knowledge!) ever been cheated on.

My husband should not be sharing a bed with another woman! That does not make me some sad sack who cannot trust her husband. It is about appropriate boundaries.

Cerisier · 18/08/2013 06:57

northernlurker your DH sounds a bit like mine. I can imagine DH comforting a distressed colleague, although he would find it hard to know what to say. He is a sort of "pull yourself together" type but wouldn't want to leave someone who was upset. I think he would have contacted me to let me know what was happening, he certainly would have contacted me in the morning before coming home.

It is the slightly shifty behaviour by the OP's DH at home and lack of information during and after the event that strikes me as a bit odd.

Jaynebxl · 18/08/2013 07:10

I can imagine this sort of thing happening and on one hand would be pleased my DH had shown compassion etc etc but I would be worried after that, however innocent it all was, a line has been crossed and the two have gone from friendly work colleagues to close friends who have been together through a very emotional time and bonded more deeply. I would be concerned about one or both developing feelings for the other as a result ... Either him because he felt needed and enjoyed the closeness or her because, having just lost her dad, she was helped by a caring, older colleague who could in some way take on a slightly fatherly image in her mind, thus becoming more attractive. I'd be on the alert for how things go next, and probably would be trying to engineer something so that Beth saw our family unit and no longer could just see him as the warm individual he was that night.

Himoutdoors · 18/08/2013 08:46

Haven't read most of the thread but what if your DH is the sensitive sort who got swept up in supporting a colleague as he would a friend. You already know what you DH's personality is like and whether it is credible explanation.

If it is credible then I feel there may be more to be gained by giving your dH a last chance to make full disclosure and then moving on in a positive way.

Apologies if I have missed key points in the thread.

onedev · 18/08/2013 09:00

This would most definitely not be ok with me either. I trust my DH 100% but sleeping in a bed with another woman is crossing a line for me & I don't believe he'd put himself in that position as he'd know how I'd feel about it.

Whilst I'm not saying LTB, i do think your DHs behaviour since (not telling you straight away / getting defensive with further questioning) seems suspect & I'd be straight with him in not liking what has happened & asking more questions.

Himoutdoors · 18/08/2013 09:13

Poor colleague just lost her dad.....would jumping in the sack be the most probable reaction.......possible but more likely that she wanted warmth and affection.

Recognise that it may have been inappropriate but if your DH is the compassionate type then he might have got carried away. What is then important is for him to recognise this and be honest now and going forward.

LIZS · 18/08/2013 09:30

Is she married ?

sydlexic · 18/08/2013 09:42

If it is true that her Dad died, then I would expect my DH to stay and comfort her. What type of man would take advantage of a grieving woman.

Do you know for certain that it is true?

TramadolDaze · 18/08/2013 09:48

.............more likely that she wanted warmth and affection

Now, it may be just me so if anyone who has sadly lost a parent could add to this I'd be grateful BUT I cannot imagine - not in my wildest dreams - wanting warmth and affection upon receiving this kind of news. Solitude maybe. Family - maybe. Husband - probably. Colleague in my bed to give me 'warmth and affection'? Never in a month of freezing cold Sundays.

Silverfoxballs · 18/08/2013 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 18/08/2013 10:28

How are you feeling this morning OP?

MexicanHat · 18/08/2013 10:42

LIZS No, she is single.

Himoutdoors · 18/08/2013 11:04

Yes, it is not abnormal to want warmth and affection (not sex) when you lose a parent.

Himoutdoors · 18/08/2013 11:09

I give DH last pop for full disclosure with amnesty if you really want to know the truth. Then be positive and move on with agreement as to what is inappropriate. Life is too short to spend the next few months speculating and scaring yourself.

CoteDAzur · 18/08/2013 11:14

It is normal to want affection. What is not appropriate is sleeping in the same bed.

Would your DH sleep in the same bed with a male colleague in similar circumstances? If not, why not?

WholeLottaRosie · 18/08/2013 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 18/08/2013 14:56

Guessing I fully admit but I have been on many a business trip and have been part of many a drunken evening.

I very much doubt the entirely innocent 'knight errant' explanation partly because it was proffered late and also because it has been accompanied by ill temper when questioned.

Whatever actually happened (my guess is more than admitted but less than the worst scenario) the OP's DH has realised that everyone at the office knows that he spent the night with a colleague.

At best he has been a complete fool. It is fine for this to happen amongst single colleagues but when at least one party is married there are boundaries and the OP's DH has crossed one.

IMO the OP is perfectly in the right to be upset about this and I hope her DH is now working hard to earn back some of the OP's respect.

burstingbaboon · 18/08/2013 15:15

If this is my DH I would be very very angry! Very!
Support someone and comfort them definetly!!Stay with them in the bed overnight- big fat no!
It's madness! All of you who said its ok are you really
being honest that it wouldn't bother you if it was your dh! Can't believe what excuses you are giving- I would be happy that my dh is showing support, no nothing happen!!!!
Its a bul....! I would be going crazy, it's unexceptable in my opinion! Don't want to offend no one!!!!

mojitosatbathtime · 18/08/2013 15:19

This sounds horrible and inappropriate. Poor you having to deal with this, but just want to playfevil's advocate for one second.

IF your DH had an agenda and was secretely carrying out an EA or a PA with this woman, he would not confess it to you like this (her name, the night it happened, specific circumstances) UNLESS someone or she was threatening for their affair to come out and he was minimising in advance of you finding out something.

If nothing is revealed to you and you hear from another source that Bath's father is actually dead I think you can pass it off as a stupid, stupid mistake.

Original poster
onesiebore · 18/08/2013 15:28

This morning went for the one last chat and move on thing as I don't want this hanging over us. I told him that I believe he didn't do anything more but I thought he'd gone too far by staying the night and it made me worry how close he was to her that she would want him to do this.

He said I had nothing to worry about, they are just friendly colleagues. I asked how much they saw each other/spoke/emailed - he said normally every day, I asked if they are normally alone or with others and he said normally with others but sometimes they travel to a clients together or go for lunch. I asked why he'd never told me about these times and he said he didn't think it was something he needed to tell me as he wouldn't have told me if it was with a male colleague. I asked if I could see his emails and he showed me some on his work computer - there wasn't anything that obviously inappropriate but there were a lot and there were quite a few that were just chatty and not work related.

I told him I wasn't happy with it and asked him to reduce his contact with her where it's not necessary and also said I wanted to meet her again. He said he'd cut it down if it bothered me but that I had nothing to worry about.

He didn't get cross with me asking questions and my gut tells me he's just been naïve in getting too close but am cross he's even let it get this far. His job is in a very male dominated industry and he doesn't really work closely with any other woman. He said he can't cut her out completely or treat her differently to how he'd treat the guys.

I'm not sure what I should be looking for now though - what are the typical 'lines' that get crossed in work relationships that get too close? Apart from sleeping in the same bloody bed obviously, that's a pretty big one I know.

OP posts: