DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

[onesiebore]

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

I agree bof think something got lost in translation

Expat I am utterly horrified that you had to read that disgusting comment. I am so angry on your behalf, and I really admire your strength and restraint both in your response to it, and in letting it stand.

It didn't need to be referenced, at all, not personally and certainly not with 'you of all people'. I'm not allowed to think it's not an okay thing to do because I have lost a child. With my name referenced.

The weirdest thing to my mind is that he actively decided to stay all night in her bed so that she would not wake up alone.

He didn't drunkenly and unintentionally fall asleep.

I have no idea how I would feel if my Dad died suddenly, other than that I would be utterly distraught and I don't find it beyond the bounds of possibility that I would seek sexual comfort from a nearby warm body.

If he couldn't say no to staying in her bed all night, would he have been able to turn down a grieving woman looking for kisses and sexual contact?

If he owed her staying over in her room as an act of decent humanity, surely he can't also be expected to turn her down if she did make a move?

Which is why staying there was such an incredibly stupid move if he really is a decent caring guy who loves his wife and wants the best for his colleague.

Expat

What this man did was inappropriate. It's perfectly fine to comfort her, talk to her, hug her, keep her company all night in some bar, etc but it's not OK to crawl into bed with her.

Expat , I'm so sorry for your loss.

I do however think that it's possible this was innocent. They were drunk and she was upset.

I think if someone was in a state like that it would be incredibly hard to leave them alone. It's a hotel room, it's cramped, you lie down on the other side of the bed and doze off because you're pissed. Wake up in the morning and say 'Oh shit'.

The only thing I would do if I was the OP is have a bit of an investigation to check that her father had actually died, eg look up an obituary or death note/certificate to back it up.

If this didn't have the factor she'd lost her father in it I would tell the OP to ring her and ask her what had happened, but I don't think it is fair to do after she's just lost her Dad.

But if I was the OP I would be insisting that he did not do work trips with this woman again or socialise with her outside work. And I would keep an eye on him for a few months.

But I wouldn't assume he had slept with her because it was a difficult set of circumstances.

JoinYourPlayFellows it doesn't follow that he wouldn't have been able to turn her down. Being decent enough to stay and make sure she was okay would also mean he would be decent enough to say I can't do that, you're vulnerable and drunk and it would be wrong.

One is an act of kindness, the other is taking advantage, so it doesn't follow that he would have had to do both at all.

"you lie down on the other side of the bed and doze off because you're pissed. Wake up in the morning and say 'Oh shit'."

Well we know this didn't happen, because he says he wanted to sleep with her all night to make sure she didn't wake up alone in the morning.

He made a decision to stay with her all night.

Maybe that's OK, maybe it's not.

But it wasn't an accident.

This is a genuine question and not an attempt to be goady...

But I just don't get why sharing a bed with someone while asleep is seen as so much worse than hugging them or holding their hand while awake?

To me, the latter is much more intimate than the former. Much more. It's not as if sleeping, beds or nighttime have intrinsically sexual features, surely? Or maybe they do - I dunno after reading this thread - I'm thrown by how out of sync my views are with the norm.

Maybe that's why I tend to trust the DH.

"Being decent enough to stay and make sure she was okay would also mean he would be decent enough to say I can't do that, you're vulnerable and drunk and it would be wrong."

Maybe.

Depends on the person. I think a lot of people who are bad at saying no and drawing boundaries would not feel able to say no to someone terribly upset who wanted sex.

"It's not as if sleeping, beds or nighttime have intrinsically sexual features"

For a start you normally take your clothes off.

I don't think sharing a bed is worse than hugging then while they were awake.

But I personally have hugged and helds hands with far more people than I have shared beds with.

To me, sharing a bed is incredibly intimate.

Going to sleep beside someone makes you very vulnerable. It implies a lot of trust.

I still don't think the OP can do anything about this other than keep a really close eye on him.

If this woman has just lost her father then the OP can't start chucking accusations of adultery at her without having proof. And she can't really find out the truth if she can't tackle this woman.

I don't think she can assume he did sleep with her at all. I still think she should get assurances that they won't be alone together again and ask him to agree she can access his phone maybe to put her mind at rest. I think she should ask if she can look at his phone and emails now without giving him a chance to delete too.

But assume he has been unfaithful. No. I hope the OP doesn't follow some of the advice on this thread. I think sometimes people give advice driven by their own agenda rather than on the facts.

I'm sorry, I would have come back to this thread earlier if I had realised all of this was happening.

I'm sorry you are upset Expat.

It has nothing to do with you not being entitled to an opinion.

MaryZ & BOF both understood it as I intended it... I really don't understand how it has been misconstrued as an attack on you Expat... from me of all people.

I followed all of your threads, I often posted on them. I thought about you every day, I wished Ailidh better, I tried to support you as best I could. I tried to help afterwards when you were having difficulties getting other things sorted out. I might have been sod all good, but I tried.

My heart broke for you and I have cried many times at the unfairness of you losing Ailidh.

I am not religious, but I do like churches and when I visit one I light a candle - I remember Ailidh amongst others.

Why would I do something to hurt you?

I agree that if they had been at her house or something, going to bed with her would have crossed the line - but in a hotel room there often isn't anywhere else to actually sit down or get even remotely comfortable. They didn't get undressed, they didn't 'go to bed' - they just spent the night on a bed, had they been in a house, they probably would have ended up sleeping on the lounge furniture and people would have found that less unacceptable - given it was a hotel room, to me it's the same thing.

Everlong - Chipping I'm surprised by you actually saying that to expat. Unfair

I would have thought you know me well enough, to re-read what I wrote and to take it how it was intended tbh.

MaryZ - I don't think chipping meant in any way to upset expat Ever long, I read the post as supporting having compassion for anyone who is bereaved. A lot of posters have said 'Beth' wouldn't have wanted anyone with her, but they can't know what she would have wanted. We all react differently to grief

Thank you Mary - that's exactly what I was getting at. I'm sorry that Expat has taken offence and that Everlong found it 'unfair'.

BOF - Before everybody piles into Chipping, I think they should bear in mind that she is no stranger to bereavement herself. I did not read her post as anything other than saying that raw wild grief can require extraordinary comfort, and she was surprised that expat did not share her view. That is all it is- a difference of opinion. People obviously don't react alike, and it's perfectly possible for someone to believe they would welcome the comfort of a close colleague, just as it is perfectly possibly to experience the most awful grief yet feel sure they would never share a bed with somebody else's husband. It was not a personal attack. We are all different

Thank you BOF, that is what I meant.

Expat - Once again, I am sorry my comment upset you. That certainly wasn't my intent. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Do we know that they didn't get undressed? Why would she sleep in her clothes?

Possibly she slept in her clothes because she was pissed, it does happen.

I was with my mum last year when she died, if DP hadn't been able to be there with me I can think of friends, male and female who I would have happily kipped in with for comfort after i'd been drinking.

Expat said it above, even in her greatest despair, she wasn't going to be sharing a bed with a random work colleague.

Most people took that comment as it was meant, Chipping. It didn't seem particularly ambiguous to me

It's not the act, it's the shifty behaviour and the delay in saying anything that make me suspicious that there was more to this.

When my father died, work colleagues sent flowers, cards, letters and Mass cards. If they are that close, he will know when the funeral is and will be sending something, at the very least, just a card.

Well yes MrsSchadefreude, I would have told DP pretty much straight away if I had done that so it does look a bit, errrr, odd.

I should really RTFT.