Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

658 replies

onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:07

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 17/08/2013 21:16

If you want to PM me the name of the hotel they stayed at then there's a reasonable chance I can at least tell you if it's a commonly used training venue.

OhDearNigel · 17/08/2013 21:16

And i would also like to add that i have shared beds with male colleagues with absolutely no intention of anything happening between us. I have worked in jobs where you form close bonds with colleagues, either because of living in staff accomodation or facing danger together. It blurs boundaries

Jovellanos · 17/08/2013 21:17

Absolutely, Whore. In fact, I may insist that my DH sleeps with my next door neighbour, as proof of our love and trust.

Maryz · 17/08/2013 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoreOfTheWorlds · 17/08/2013 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 17/08/2013 21:18

'Ever long, I read the post as supporting having compassion for anyone who is bereaved. '

I see, so now I don't have compassion for anyone who is bereaved if I think this was a completely out of line thing to ask or do.

Hmm

But it's not completely out of line to assert that I shouldn't disagree to the loss of my child 'of all people'. And that's not personal?!

I'm really, really, really fucking upset now.

I can't believe you fucking wrote that to me, Chippin. Please have the grace to delete me off your FB if I made the mistake of 'friending' you.

Jovellanos · 17/08/2013 21:19

'We all react differently to grief.'

Maybe so. But lust is pretty damn predictable.

Maryz · 17/08/2013 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 17/08/2013 21:20

'Expat, if it was planned it was inappropriate. But sometimes things just happen.'

See, IMO, that is complete and utter bullshit. Asking someone else's spouse to share a bed with you is always planned.

'Stay with me.'

'I'm getting really sleepy. I need to go.'

WhoreOfTheWorlds · 17/08/2013 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BOF · 17/08/2013 21:22

Look, all of us are just giving our opinions. It really shouldn't turn into a seething mass of misunderstandings and hurt feelings- surely we can respect that people feel differently about how appropriate this is without making judgements on each others' relationships, or how we react to bereavement?

It's really not helpful to anyone.

BabylonReturns · 17/08/2013 21:22

I think it does sound plausible, but I understand your fears that you didn't know they were that close, close enough for him to be of comfort to her.

This IS the sort of thing my DH would do, but he would call me beforehand and check it is ok, not wait until afterwards.

I always said I would trust my DH until he gave me a reason not to, and in 13 years he hasn't, so I trust him implicitly.

Maryz · 17/08/2013 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 17/08/2013 21:25

I came on here to give an opinion that then got scolded, personally, by another poster whose opinion I disagree with who then used the loss of my child as the reason why I'm wrong and I'm not supposed to find that upsetting?

W.T.A.F?!

VixZenFenchell · 17/08/2013 21:25

I tried to look at this from both sides.

If I'd been away on a course (happens a few times a year) with colleagues (all male / married, I'm the only female currently in my dept) and I had had such devastating news .... I can imagine my colleagues taking me up to my room. They'd probably put an arm around me and let me cry. They'd let me talk about my DF and stay with me. However it would be more than one, they'd ask if they could help me pack, get my DH over to take me home, get me a cab to take me home - under no circumstances would just one stay in the room all night. I wouldn't want them to either.

If DH had been away and a female colleague received news of a parent's death - he'd offer hugs, assistance getting home, a shoulder for a bit - but not stay in her room all night, he said he wouldn't think it at all appropriate.

I trust my DH absolutely (and he me) - and we just wouldn't put ourselves in that situation.

OhDearNigel · 17/08/2013 21:26

Every time Beth thinks of the death of her father, she's going to remember OP's DH's arms around her. It will be an abiding memory for the rest of her life. How lovely

Somehow doubt she will remember anything other than the fucking awful news that her dad is dead

everlong · 17/08/2013 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 17/08/2013 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helenlikesjewels · 17/08/2013 21:28

"I don't think any wife can completely 'know her husband' 100%. "

Very true. We don't even know ourselves 100%. We just can't be certain what we'd do in certain situations. We think we know, but we don't really.

conorsrockers · 17/08/2013 21:29

I'm in Cinnabar's gang. It would not bother me at all. My DH is very close to his 'work wife' and I get on with my 'work husband' who I travel alone with occasionally. I'd expect him to do the same as your DH has done, as he would expect me to do. I think it's a sad reflection that so many people immediately think that he must be shagging her Hmm

conorsrockers · 17/08/2013 21:29

I'm in Cinnabar's gang. It would not bother me at all. My DH is very close to his 'work wife' and I get on with my 'work husband' who I travel alone with occasionally. I'd expect him to do the same as your DH has done, as he would expect me to do. I think it's a sad reflection that so many people immediately think that he must be shagging her Hmm

Chandras · 17/08/2013 21:30

I'm weird too. I believe your husband and I think that it was a very kind thing to do. The easiest thing for him would have been to wash his hands of the problem and leave her crying on her own as the other colleagues did.

He shows a bit of humanity, tells you about it and now there is no way he couldn't have shagged her???

Bloody hell! Be proud of your husband, the easiest thing is to turn around and walk away people in distress.

CogDat · 17/08/2013 21:31

Perhaps nothing happened, but something doesn't smell right. Why did she want him holding her all night? Why did he want to be there?
Sitting in the bar together I could understand more, if he had called you it would seem less suspicious, if he had told you straight away...

expatinscotland · 17/08/2013 21:32

'Let's not fight'. Yep, just shut up, expat. I reported that post. That was fucking low.

BabylonReturns · 17/08/2013 21:33

Chandras that is exactly what I mean. DH couldn't walk away and leave someone crying, it is basic humanity to want to comfort someone if they are upset.