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Original poster

DH slept in same bed as another woman - would you be annoyed?

658 replies

onesiebore · 17/08/2013 11:07

DH was away with work this week for a night and since he's been home he's been a bit odd - a little jumpy and quieter than normal. I asked if something was wrong and he said there was something that he felt I should know but he didn't think I'd be very happy about it although he hadn't done anything.

He'd already told me that his colleague Beth had had to leave early as her Dad had died suddenly while they were away and last night he said that he'd ended up staying in her room to make sure she was ok. Apparently she'd found out when they'd been drinking, had gone to bed upset (had been drinking and couldn't drive), he went to check on her and she'd asked him to stay. He swears nothing happened other than giving her a hug and sleeping next to her.

I believe him that nothing else happened but still feel uneasy about it

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 17/08/2013 19:21

I have not said that they DTD, but I do think that a LOT of what has been said/done is not IME 'normal'.....

If you TSC had found yourself in such a situation, would you not have told your DP about it immediately? Would you not have texted or phoned your DP at the time and told them? I know I would. I also know I would never have got onto or into bed with them! And I have colleagues I have worked with over 25 years. I would care, I would be concerned, but I would not have felt the need to get into bed with them.

Back2Two · 17/08/2013 19:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

gillywillywoo · 17/08/2013 19:24

Well my DH has just picked me up from work and we are currently in the car driving home.

I read out the OPs first post and he laughed out loud. Said the OPs DH is an idiot and even if nothing happened he should never have put himself in that situation/position. Especially with a colleague.

DH's exact words "why the hell did he go to her room? Why didn't he just text and say hope she's ok and speak in the morning...? Or call?! And if she asked him to go to her room.. Why did he go? He should've just said that she should try and get some rest and they can talk in the morning or whatever. And ok.. He went to her room.. Why did he stay? I would NOT feel comfortable AT ALL if a female asked me to stay with her for the night! I would leave. id tell her to try and sleep and see her in the morning. and ok.. he stayed in her room. why in the same bed? What a moron. Something could well have happened but even if it didnt he totally crossed the line! He's a married man!"

So there you go, mr gillywillywoo has spoken.

Original poster
onesiebore · 17/08/2013 19:30

Didn't expect so many replies - thank you, although am feeling more confused now

CinnabarRed - it sounds like a similar sort of event - the hotel was apparently out of town and they all drove there as there was no public transport anywhere near.

BOF - Do you mean she may have made it up to get him to stay or dh may have made it up to make it seem ok? I know it may sound naïve but I just can't see him lying about something like that up. Surely it's worse than just not telling me anything?

Mynameisslimshady - I thought that too about the work question - I said it surely it wasn't really appropriate to be hassling her about work and he said he was trying to sort some stuff out for her to help her (work stuff) and just had a quick question. That or he just wanted to speak to her I guess.

Maybe I didn't make it clear but he did partly tell me about it as soon as he got home, he told me that her Dad had died and she'd had to leave early, it was the sleeping in her bed part he only admitted later. He said she didn't sleep much but was tired and drunk so eventually did (he had left at 6 that morning to get there so I imagine she'd had a must have done similar). He said that in the morning he woke up and she was packing and that he left at the same time as her

Allfallsdown - what you described is what I think (hope) is the case.

I think what worries me and the reason I posted this is that although I believe he didn't do anything more, as others have said the fact that she wanted him with her seems like they must be much closer than I had any idea of.

I don't know what I should do now though other than to keep a closer eye on it although I don't want to start snooping on him all the time. I have no access to his work emails which I think it probably how they communicate most. I've had a look at his work phone and there was a 30 minute call early last week but that may be normal for work I don't know.

OP posts:
hawthornthree · 17/08/2013 19:31

No idea if they had sex, obviously. But sleeping in the same bed for comfort and him going to her room, then staying, etc, implies something not just platonic in their friendship.

BOF · 17/08/2013 19:32

I think MrBOF would say much the same thing. It's not that I don't trust him: I just know that he wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. He's not stupid.

BOF · 17/08/2013 19:35

X-posts.

I mean that the pair of them have concocted the dead dad excuse between them.

Maybe I'm cynical, but I find it difficult to believe. As I've said, do you know for sure that there's a shred of truth in this?

Pozzled · 17/08/2013 19:36

I'm with TSC and Curlew on this. I would have no concerns in the OP's situation, and it would not cross my mind that my DH had been cheating or inappropriate. There are many other more likely explanations that would occur to me.

I do agree that the situation was a little strange, but without being there and knowing exactly what state the woman was in, it's hard to tell. The only thing that I do think is weird is that the OP's DH didn't tell her immediately. But then given how suspicious people on here are, I guess I can see why he felt awkward about telling her.

BOF · 17/08/2013 19:39

You know him though, and we don't. Just be aware that so far he is behaving exactly like every other cheating husband I've ever read about on mumsnet. I'd also be pissed off that he was getting shirty about me asking questions.

Still, your call. You are living it, we aren't.

MissStrawberry · 17/08/2013 19:41

They are so close colleagues have noticed. With everything else and your husband starting to be a prat makes me suspicious that something has gone on even if not shagging.

Wishfulmakeupping · 17/08/2013 19:45

Hi OP just read through thread- is your OP on facebook- if so and you can see her on his friends list tell him to click onto her page there and then in front of you it will show if its true about her Df

BOF · 17/08/2013 19:48

And shall we cool it with the scornful Naive Pollyanna vs. Must Have a Husband Who'd Shag A Tableleg to-ing and fro-ing? It's not really helpful.

LemonPeculiarJones · 17/08/2013 19:48

Yes, he has no right to get shirty now. He should be aware that you'll naturally need to ask lots of questions and receive loads of reassurance now.

His reaction isn't fitting with your description of him as a partner beyond reproach.

SisterMonicaJoan · 17/08/2013 19:58

Oh, I thought she left before he woke up? Have I got that wrong then?

Mumfun · 17/08/2013 20:02

Ive had similar in trhe past but H did tell a sort of lie to cover. I said that he had behaved very inappropriately and I wasnt happy. I didnt think anything had happened.

In fact it had - start of affair which led to marriage break up etc.

From my point of view what your H did was very intimate.

I would be saying to him that I was very uncomfortable about how close they are, he had crossed a line and I would not accept anything similar in the future. I would be checking his phone for the next 6 months.

SisterMonicaJoan · 17/08/2013 20:03

Sorry, just seen that he woke up to her packing..

My DH would have comforted her for sure and possibly spent the night on a chair / sofa if he was worried about her but definitely not have slept on the bed or held her during the night. I guess your DH was a bit drunk so at best, his boundaries might have been blurred?

You know your DH so all you can do is trust your instincts OP.

blueshoes · 17/08/2013 20:06

OP, you said "He's now shown text messages to prove he hadn't made it up - he text her the morning she left asking if she was ok and whether she'd got to her family, she said she had and she was sorry for 'being such a mess last night' he then text again to say not to worry and not to worry about the work thing. She hasn't replied since."

Can he also show you evidence of the unsuccessful calls he made to her before he had to go to her room to check on her? Can you get the phone from him and ask him to show you how to get to those calls? If anything, it will show you how comfortable he is with your mucking around his phone.

mrsdinklage · 17/08/2013 20:06

onsie - if this had been my XH he would have had sex with her and told me nothing. However if it had been my DH he probably would have done exactly what your DH did - because he is a decent human being. He also probably wouldn't say any thing at first because he would be scared of my reaction - and knowing I'd give him the 3rd degree.
To those of you saying you'd want proof he died that night - I think that is awful.
Cinnbar - for some reason I don't think people are reading your posts. I too have stayed at several conference places that you can't get home from after 8pm.
Also your DH could have rung to explain what compassionate leave she was entitled to.
My DH is out - but I'm going to ask him later what he would have done.

blueshoes · 17/08/2013 20:11

mrsd, the confession could be due to the OP's dh being a decent human being, or it could also be because he realised his colleagues noticed something going on and could shop him to his wife, so he thought he'd better get in there first with a half-baked tale. That would also explain the time lag of a few days to confession.

BOF · 17/08/2013 20:13

Why is it so awful to want proof that her dad died? I think it's rather key to the whole thing. I haven't suggested that the OP contacts Beth or demands anything of her, which would certainly be inappropriate, but I'd expect my husband to know when the funeral is, as presumably as such a close colleague he would want to attend and/or send flowers, either individually or as a group with the rest of their team. That's normal, isn't it?

ilovebabytv · 17/08/2013 20:13

Tbh the husband was gonna get found 'guilty' by most on here whatever he had done. If he had told the op as soon as he got home, he'd be trying damage limitation, telling her later, he was getting his 'story' straight. As for getting shirty, if my dp accused me of shagging someone else when i knew i hadn't, and then questioned me several times over, fucking right id be getting shirty.

mrsdinklage · 17/08/2013 20:13

yes it could blueshoes - but it could also be the truth

rubyrubyruby · 17/08/2013 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissStrawberry · 17/08/2013 20:15

Check the timings on the phone calls and texts.

mrsdinklage · 17/08/2013 20:17

I don't understand why people think colleagues would attend the funeral. I would have been shocked if any had turned up for my DF's funeral, and BOF just because you didn't suggest contacting Beth other posters have.

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