Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to make of this.

127 replies

Spottypurse · 16/08/2013 20:49

DP always told me he hadn't done something.

I discovered today that he had.

It's not a bad thing, but it's really weird that he never told me.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I feel odd and rather unsettled. Like I don't know him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spottypurse · 18/08/2013 19:03

Grin I think his sister might have mentioned that. He's been married, but is divorced, no kids that he's telling me about

I'm sure (near as I can be) that its some silly man pride thing.

OP posts:
deliasniff · 18/08/2013 19:03

Thanks Spottypurse x

garlicagain · 18/08/2013 19:52

I'm not sure you do need to keep it "light", Spotty, as it is a serious issue for you. Calm but powerful would be a lot better than jolly & minimising, imo. You need him to know it matters!

OTOH, I could put up with a lot of shit for millions ... Wink

laeiou · 18/08/2013 20:20

Well hopefully his attitude now will confirm things one way or another- is he concerned that you're upset, or acting annoyed and like you should forget it?

Original poster
Spottypurse · 18/08/2013 21:06

He doesn't want to all about it. It's not a big deal. Confused

OP posts:
Doha · 18/08/2013 21:20

But it IS a big deal to you!
He told you a lie and thinks you should just accept that. Could you explain to him that to him. If he has lied about that what else has he lies about. There will be reason to doubt anything he tells you from now on.

garlicagain · 18/08/2013 21:24

Oh dear :(

So he told quite a big fib, you felt hugely upset about it as this is a vulnerability of yours, and he isn't bothered.

Does this sound familiar at all?

Original poster
Spottypurse · 18/08/2013 21:25

:( I don't know what to think now. We are going out with friends tomorrow for tea. I don't know how I'm going to look at him and be normal

OP posts:
garlicagain · 18/08/2013 21:40

Well, in some ways you won't be looking at the person you thought he was, will you?

I do think it's really, really bad to dismiss a partner's genuine concerns (or anybody's, for that matter,) especially when that person's been honest enough to show their vulnerability.

Sometimes, people act a like bullies without realising it. A friend was telling me how she'd taken the piss out of a colleague with a fear of spiders. She'd got the whole team to send this woman photos of spiders, work spiders into every conversation, put a toy one in her desk drawer, and so on. I pointed out that phobias aren't rational, but the fear is very real. I made her see how cruel she'd been, and she got it. She apologised & took in cake. So I feel it's always worth making an effort to get the point across.

But if you make this effort, and he still prefers defending his lie to taking care of your feelings, then I'm afraid you'll have your answer ... :(

CrapBag · 18/08/2013 22:18

Hmmm, before I wouldn't have said its not really a big deal but that fact that he doesn't want to talk about it seems odd. If there is a simple explanation then why doesn't he just say? Unless there is something he is ashamed of for some reason.

You may be feeling like this because of your ex as well. If you hadn't had a previous bad experience, would this have bothered you so much or would you not have thought much of it?

laeiou · 18/08/2013 23:27

spotty- if he is dismissive of your feelings at other times too, or doesn't really talk beyond superficial conversation, that'll maybe make the lying seem worse. Some people like you to confide in them, while not sharing much about themselves.

Do you feel like equal partners who support each other?

saggyhairyarse · 19/08/2013 00:12

Could it have been that he said he went to such and such Uni and you asked him what degree he got and he said he didn't get one (there, because he dropped out) and that he didn't expand on it (because he is a bloke) type scenario?

garlicagain · 19/08/2013 01:53

But even so, Saggy, you'd respect your partner's feelings and fix the problem, wouldn't you?

Wildmeanfairlyhipkid · 19/08/2013 06:13

If you can remember back, you should both go through the conversation you had where he told you he'd dropped out.
It may be that there was something that was said that he meant one way and you took it as another.
That practically defines my life with my dp, he doesnt we don't communicate well, but we get there in the end with a lot of little patience on my side
Try and do it with a "haha, I can't believe I thought you didn't have a degree all these years" attitude, so you can quiz him more, cos if he gets defensive, the conversation may shut down.

Original poster
Spottypurse · 19/08/2013 06:33

Thanks all. I will try again tonight after the dinner. I did try last night but he just wouldn't talk about it at all. He called it the worst time ever of his life. He doesn't want to discuss it. End of. Conversation closed down.

It's not like he's generally closed or anything - normally we are very equal and we share loads of frustrations and good things and bad things. I know tons about his life before we met. Which is what makes this so strange.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spottypurse · 19/08/2013 06:56

And so I keep going or do I say this is obviously very painful for him and park it until he is ready to talk about it?

OP posts:
ImpulsePineapple · 19/08/2013 07:42

He called it the worst time ever of his life. He doesn't want to discuss it

Woah. I think you have to respect this. Yes, you want to know, but I think it's bordering on nosy/ intrusive now. The poor guy is allowed to have no go areas if he wants to.

Remind him how much you love him, and leave this alone. He'll tell you if and when he's ready.

Original poster
Spottypurse · 19/08/2013 07:49

Impulse - that's what Im starting to think.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 19/08/2013 07:58

What impulse said. Leave it now. It's in his past and he prefers not to discuss it.

laeiou · 19/08/2013 09:39

I still think it's odd. Surely when it first came up he could have said "yes I got a degree in x from y university" rather than making you believe he didnt have a degree at all. He can mention having a degree without mentioning the fact that he tried a different course initially. Or does he omit the degree from his CV and refuse to talk about it at interviews too? Surely loads of people know that he has a degree. In fact everyone in his family except you?

laeiou · 19/08/2013 09:43

Did the "I don't want to discuss it" statement mean he admitted that he'd previously lied, or is he still saying you imagined the previous conversations.

Personally I'd be fine with some things from the past staying private, but I wouldn't agree that he was right to lie and gaslight. There were many other ways to handle it. Including "yes I have a degree" then changing the subject.

mindyourownbusiness · 19/08/2013 11:22

Sounds like there is something really uncomfortable for him to talk about around uni attendance/his degree. I think maybe that is why he originally just gave you a blanket 'No degree' answer to guarantee there would be no further delving conversations into that period of his life. I agree you should leave it now. I don't think it was done out of malice just really is something he wants desperately to avoid having a conversation about.

laeiou · 19/08/2013 12:58

But surely if the memory was so traumatic that he can't admit to his partner that he has a degree, he'd ask his sister to remove the photo from display so he doesn't see it when he visits?

garlicagain · 19/08/2013 14:15

It seems you have the answer to 'Why did he lie?' - albeit only partial. It doesn't seem that he was doing it to manipulate you, but rather to cover his shame or fear about something or other.

As to whether you're comfortable with his having put a big 'NO ENTRY' sign in front of quite a significant part of his life - I wouldn't be, but maybe you're right that he'll be ready to talk about it later. (I'm none too proud to admit I'd be asking his sister!)

For the moment: you've found out he had reason to conceal it, and he's been as honest as he can just now. He's found out that honesty is non-negotiable with you. All round, it's probably a step forward, if rather uncomfortable.

mindyourownbusiness · 19/08/2013 14:40

Yeah true , I did think that after I posted but maybe it was a surprise to him that it was on display or he just forgot. All very strange , I too am would be intrigued however.

Swipe left for the next trending thread